How to tell sister to STFU, in the right way? :)

… We got into the divorce topic and I told her I’m not against divorce. I said if my husband beat me, stole all my money, hurt our child or did something ridiculously illegal, we would get divorced. She got offended by this because she said with her and her boyfriend, divorce was not an option because it’s against his religion (note – he is divorced. When I replied “But ___ is divorced” she instantly yelped back with “But he didn’t want to get divorced, she made him!” *silence*….). And that they are currently angry at his friend’s wife because she wants to divorce him and that’s horrible (he ran a child prostitution ring at their church and they have a 5 year old daughter). So since that talk (before any of us got engaged) she would bring up the marriage topic and say “Since you guys plan to get divorced”, “I guess since you’re getting divorced anyways”, “I know you won’t ever work things out, you will just get divorced”, etc. I ignored it because she is just always psycho like that and she obviously carried no weight in that topic. So now that she got married and was super bridezilla (really, her normal self) to everyone but still managed to lie enough to turn my family against me, she continues on the tradition. I am now planning more for my wedding (because even through that I thought it would be rude of me to mention my wedding during her stuff) and I went dress shopping with my mom and older sister this Saturday. I come back to my home to the party we were having since they were in town and people ask me how it went. I say it’s going fine, I just haven’t picked the exact dress, yet. So my sister chimes in with a snarky tone over everyone across the room “It’s not all about the dress, you know. If you think it is, you really don’t know what a marriage is all about” and literally went on for another 5 sentences or so. I stayed silent and didn’t reply at all. No one else in my family said anything. My brother’s girlfriend looked awkward at me and said in a sweet voice “Well, you still have lots of time so that’s good” and my brother changed the subject by asking if we booked an all-inclusive hall intentionally for less stress.

Now, it doesn’t bother me because I don’t like her and she’s a B word, putting it kindly. I’ve never liked her and she’s always been like this. But during her 2 months of planning everyone told me to just be quiet and do whatever she says, which I did before anyways. And now, my mom is telling me (while planning my wedding) to just be quiet, apologize to my sister and do whatever she says. I’m hoping this public outbreak will bring her actions to the spotlight (since before, she was telling everyone lies so they thought the situation was reversed). But no one said anything to her so she will keep being how she is being. I really prefer to not invite her to the wedding (it would fit, since she sat me in the back corner of her wedding at the table with the cousins she doesn’t like), but I wouldn’t be allowed to do that. I’d never hear the end of it. So, since I’m a more rational person who says what they mean and isn’t fake, I would just say to her “If you don’t stop making comments like that, I do not have a problem excluding you from my wedding.” But my family will see me as the bad guy if I do that.

So what is the calm, subtle but forceful, polite way for me to say “STFU. You’re a B who doesn’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want you involved in my wedding at all, though I’ll invite you out of obligation.” Lol. Thanks! (sorry it was so long)

WTF! wow girl, I am so sorry your twin sister is acting this way! Seriously there are two ways I would go about this situation.

1. Blow up at her in front of everyone. I'd probably do this without even planing it. That way when/if other family members want to chime in and "defend" her you can address it right then and there in the heat of the moment.

2. Personally talk with your mom about how you feel- solve things with her. Then separately talk to your sister about how you feel.

Seriously, don't sugar coat things. It sounds like she doesn't sugar coat, so you shouldn't either. Tell her like it is girl! Its YOUR wedding. Now, I wouldn't go as far as not inviting her, because that may start WW3 and you don't need that. Call her out when she talks about divorce! Call her out when shes talking down about your wedding! I hope that you talking to her will make her calm the F down.

I have a similar situation with my only sister...whom the rises and sets on, according to our mother... I have had to completely cut her out of my life.

There will always be someone who is miserable in life, and wants to drag everyone to their level. DO Not let her do that. Stand up for yourself. Don't give her the power to ruin your day, Don't expect her to change...she won't. It's a tough decision, and I feel bad for you, because we always hope that for one short period of time, they'll behave. I'd lay it out and say I'm hurt and annoyed by your attitude towards me, and if you can't or don't want to support us, then I think it's best you don't attend. And tell everyone who's rude enough to complain about it the same thing...that you want to be surrounded by people who love and support you. Good luck ((hugs))

WOW!! Is it possible to not invite her? What is her issue??

Sorry about the crazy drama!

I have spoken to my mom about how my sister has been talking to me and my mom raised her voice and started screaming at me that I just need to apologize to my sister and do what she says and then she just starts crying that she works so hard and we are so terrible to her even though she does everything for us. I also brought it up lightly to my sister and asked her to please not mention those divorce comments. That is when my sister uninvited me to her wedding (I was re-invited a couple days before). So I was looking to turn here for some more ideas. Thanks, though!

I would just tell her to STFU. As for your mom she's need to get over it. You can't not allow anyone to make YOUR day miserable.

When your sister uninvited you to the wedding, you should have declined the re-invite. WTH...

If I was you, I wouldn't invite her. I would drop her completely. I wouldn't tell her when, where, or any details. I would hire extra security just to keep her out.

But, since you're still trying, I wouldnt worry about saying it a right way. No way will be right. "I'm sick of you. As of now, you aren't coming. If you can stop it with the divorce comments and awful attitude, you can come. If you don't care enough about me to stop, I don't want you there."

Honestly? There doesn't seem to be a polite, nice, subtle way of getting these people to stop being so crazy. You're just going to have to lay down the law.

Is there any way you can just completely avoid your sister until the wedding day? That might be the best course of action. On your wedding day, you can also seat her far away from you and your FH.

I'm a very diplomatic person. So I know if I don't invite my sister, my family will never let me live it down. I have avoided her as much as possible so far. But she keeps messaging me these things and then also just randomly messages me asking me to lunch and giving me advice on how to pick a place from her experience. Like I told her where I was looking and she told me not to go there because the food was horrible. Though I asked my mom and she said she never went there to try the food and my mom went to every tasting. I think she saw it was nicer than hers so she didn't want me to have it. So she is very Bipolar a lot. I ignored her text messages and calls but that just got yelling from my family members that I was being rude and need to apologize because they say my sister is trying to be nice to me and I'm being rude by ignoring her. So lately I have been responding to most messages, with just one word responses. To keep the peace. So I just want to save my butt and make sure I'm not the bad person.

I'm not sure you will get your family to agree with you unless they are all holding back out of fear of your sister. There's only one way to find out and that's to blow up at her. Your mother is an enabler, so you won't get any help there. She'll either stick up for your sister or she will stay neutral and not help the situation at all even though you are the right one. My older sister is not half as bad as your sister, but she is a little bit of a screw up and my family enables her. She's 5 years older and I am the one scolded when I expect her to do common sense things. I've been told "You know she doesn't think like that! You should know better!" And when we have fought with my mom in the middle, my mother would be like "I don't know. Leave me out of this" and then I end up feeling bad for my mother so I fold to my sister. Thankfully I moved out so I don't really have that problem with her and she is actually quite afraid of me so she is doing whatever she can for my wedding. You have to assert yourself with people like that. Sometimes you have to make them fear you if you want them to STFU. Right now it sounds like she holds the power because she holds the fear. Next time she says something, call her out on it and make her feel like she is an inch tall. It'll feel good, too, and the more you assert yourself, the less inclined she will be to step out of bounds with you. Your family may defend her, but you are the one being wronged so don't feel bad. It's a chance you'll have to take.

Regardless of whether your family thinks you are the bad person or not...you know you AREN'T. It's crappy. I have lots of family that does this exact thing with my brother and I. I'm a monster for not forgiving him.

I flat out told my mom (him and I are not on speaking terms) that he is not attending. I didn't sugar coat and explained my reasons why. She was annoyed I didn't want him there, but I ultimately said that he would be more stress than he would to not have him there and it's one day I don't need extra stress. She took it as best as she could and that was that. I suggest you do the same. There is no sense in worrying about pleasing others if they refused to hear your side anyway. You might as well do what makes you happy. I try to be diplomatic and understanding, but once you cross a line with me over and over I will not tolerate it.

Tell her, she's not welcomed and she knows why. It sounds like an awful situation. Sorry you have to deal with that.

So do I send her a text message right now that says "What you said to me about my dress shopping at my house on Saturday was extremely rude. Not only was it uncalled for, it was in my home that I opened up to all of you for the day. It would be preferred that you keep those comments and alike to yourself in the future." Or should I wait until the next time I see her? It's not often anymore since I keep canceling on her and I keep spending holidays with FH's family instead of mine. I'm not someone to call someone out in person.

Though she also blew up my cousin and aunt (dad's side) really badly to the point where my whole dad's side refuses to be at the same party she is because they know they will scream at her for what she did. So maybe I should just invite them all and sit back and let the sharks play. Lol. I don't know. I'm just trying to solve this with as little drama as possible.

@Kathleen.. are we related? How is it that sisters can be so mean and cruel? I have had to do things to apease my older sister for years. It wasn't until recently when I just blew the hell up. She has since backed off and has agreed to anything I have said about the wedding. However, I am sure the day before when we see each other (We live two states away) things are going to go to hell in a hurry. I will not tolerate her running my life or my wedding. Put your foot down to everyone! I promise they wont know what hit them because you always do what they want. They will see you mean business. Unfortunately this could cause people to not come to the wedding so be prepared for all outcomes. Huge hugs to you

"You were a rude bitch.". See what happens. It can't be any worse!

I think you're going to have drama. You act like a doormat, she'll walk over you. You stand up to her, she'll challenge you. I don't see a non drama way out of this. I'm sorry

ETA: I would do it right away. But I'm also the kind of person who, if a confrontation needs to happen, I want it to happen NOW. If you prefer, send her a long email or text. You could just say her rudeness and inconsiderate actions have strained your relationship to the point that you don't want to see her for quite some time. If she wants to change, you welcome her attempts to be a kinder sister. That's a nicer way of putting your foot down, but you must follow through. No communication unless she is nice. Its like positive reinforcement training

Does it help to know you aren't the only one with a crazy sister in this process?

You are going to rock the boat no matter what. However, because you do sound like a very rational and caring family member, I think you would feel better taking the high road. Don't give in to any of her bi-polar drama and jealousy. Don't text or email - the tone just can't come across. I would say the next time she wants to take you to lunch, tell her "You know Sister, that would be great. I really have some things I need to work out with you and would love the opportunity to talk." Have a calm conversation and talk about how you feel - it is about you! If she i still nuts after, then that is when I would say - I am sorry. I love you. I am very hurt by the way you are treating me. If you cannot respect my feelings, then I don't know what kind of relationship we can have.

Calm honesty always trumps crazy jealousy, even if it means having a difficult conversation you have to do it. I'm sorry you have this extra stress!! Sending you lots of good juju that it gets better.

In my experience, there is no way to avoid drama. I honestly wish I would have listened to my instincts and not invite my brother, than invite him to please my parents. My brother is bipolar and becomes verbally abusive when he does not get his way (as children he would also attack people and has broken some of my bones.) On my wedding day, my brother picked a fight with me during breakfast so I chose to leave the dining table because I was on the verge of tears. He was furious he could not continue to belittle me so he started blowing my phone up with mean, spiteful text messages. Throughout my wedding, I was a nervous wreck fearing he would start something again. Do yourself a HUGE favor, enjoy your day and do what makes YOU happy. If that means excluding your sister, do it. If it means inviting her, by all means invite her. Just make sure you put the wishes of you and your FH first.

Uh-Oh Emily. Sounds very similar. She hasn't been diagnosed with BiPolar but I know she does. She also gets very violent. I saw her almost attack her roommate (best friend) because my sister locked the girl's bathroom and closed the door to be mean. So the girl asked in the most innocent voice if she knows who locked her bathroom. My sister got up and charged at the girl and started screaming "You psycho B I'm going to kill you" and I left and the girl called the cops. I didn't realize, so when she called me to tell the cops she did nothing, I didn't answer. So after that, my sister threatened for weeks that she was going to come to my condo and burn it down while my bunnies were inside. So maybe I should just not invite her...

I was considering hiring a wedding day coordinator just for the sole purpose of making sure I don't see certain family members on the day of because it will upset me with worrying what they will do.

I wouldn't text her. You're hypothetical text was already way too nice. Don't make any attempts to be in the same room with her, but the next time you have to, and she does say something, THAT is when you need to blow up. People need to understand that they are pushing your boundaries and that does not get across in a text message. There isn't a way to do this and avoid drama unfortunately. If you keep being so submissive, she will always walk all over you and your family. Your mom has made her choice to be stepped all over. You don't deserve that. You can even tell her off on the phone, but she has to hear your anger and the fact that you are standing up for yourself and your FH. If you defer her to someone else for punishment (dad's side), she will never respect you. You'll have to be prepared for her to step out of your life after this, but if she has any love for you, she'll come back into your life with a new respect. So right now, forget it because she isn't around you and you don't need to be starting anything, just finishing it. She has to learn to see you as someone that commands respect. Kindness does not work with selfish people (I know, I'm selfish myself). If you are too kind, they will think that they can continue to manipulate because you will never speak up for yourself, but the moment you stand up to them, you start to teach them differently.

Okay so after reading your most recent post, it's not that she is selfish, it's that she is mentally ill. That's different. Don't invite her to your wedding. Don't bother with her right now. Nothing you are going to say to her will ever get through to her. She needs help and medication. Your mom is not going to get her the help she needs, and she sure as hell is not going to herself either. You are too busy to worry about that right now. If she goes to your wedding, she will try to ruin it. I had a great aunt who was bi-polar and it was the worst thing in the world seeing the toll it took on my family. After a while, only my grandma and one other sister spoke to her (out of 11 I think, or 9), and she stayed alone in her house until she died. Sometimes you can't help people that don't want help, you can only make sure they don't hurt others, you included. Sometimes that means removing them from your life.