How to tell my dad...

That is a hard one but I would just say when you are ready call him or meet with him and explain that you appreciate the kind words but you prefer to walk down the aisle alone. If you want to avoid hurting him just say that you never was a fan of the father giving the bride away due to it being an old tradition. I could see where you are coming from but I would ask has he made an effort in recent years to be around?

That's not going to be an easy phone call, but I get where you're coming from. Like Kristin said, you're going to have to gather yourself and make that call. It won't be easy, but you have your picture in your head. Would you compromise at all and say have him walk you to the aisle? Though I also understand if you just don't want him to be given the honor at all. Sucks all around tbh. I understand too well wanting a dad to be a better dad. Stay strong girl! You got this.

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Hey Kristen, tell me about it. I will definitely have to tell him eventually. Those are good ideas. I mean in the recent years, he has sort of tried... especially in regards to being a grandfather to our two daughters, but I still see him the same. Distant, dodgy when it comes to certain subjects or situations. Very unreliable and wishy washy. Forever making excuses as he's ALWAYS done throughout my life. I feel like since I'm older now, he thinks that I see him in a changed way. I think he honestly believes that everything that he's done (or not done) has been swept under the rug and that it's just accepted by me. It's not. I still hold anger inside about his lack of being around. I wasn't even invited to his wedding. Still don't know why to this date. When he got married I didn't think much about it, but now, I feel angry about it. Why wouldn't we as his first set of kids, been invited to his wedding. But ... what can I do. I just cannot have him walk me down the aisle. It feels SO wrong.

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Hey Kathryn,

You're right, it's not going to be an easy call, but a call that has to be made nonetheless. There's no way I can compromise on having him walk me down the aisle. It just feels too strange. Just the thought of it makes me so uncomfortable. It feels almost... fake, if that makes sense. Like all of my family knows he has not been there for me in the ways that he should, and now he's walking me down the aisle? It's just a very strange look. Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it.

I think you have to let him know how you feel about everything. Your wedding, his wedding, his absence, etc., but also explain to him the why behind it. Make a lunch/dinner date with just the two of you and have the talk. Be sure to express to him that you see he is trying to build a better relationship, but at this time you just don't feel ready to have him take the walk with you. This is a hard one.

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Hey Carlette,

Thank you so much for your much needed feedback. I will definitely your advice into consideration. This is really hard. I love him but in no way do I want him to walk me down the aisle. Just makes me so uncomfortable thinking about it, much less doing it.

View Quoted Comment I'm not sure when your wedding is, but if you decide to have a talk try to do it sooner rather than later for your own sanity. This way he won't keep asking about it which may increase your anxiety. Good luck with this and congratulations on your wedding.

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My wedding is very soon, on Saturday, April 4th. I agree that I need to talk to him ASAP to get this off of my mind

Can you come up with something else special for you to do with him? Maybe a first look? Will you still do a father/daughter dance?

My suggestion would be to have a conversation with him saying exactly what you just told us in this post. That you have always seen yourself as a strong, independent woman; And since he was not around much during your growing up, you want to walk down the aisle alone. However, you would like to do {something special} with him at the wedding. This allows you to walk down the aisle alone like you have always wanted, but also gives your dad a special moment with you, and hopefully keeps his feelings from being too hurt.

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Hey Meghan,

I was thinking about other things that I could do in place of that, but it's hard. Fiance and I both agreed we won't be doing any parent dances. To be honest, even thinking of a speech thanking him for "being there" for me feels totally fabricated and forced. It's really just a blatant lie if I say that during the reception. I will definitely touch bases on the advice you've given me and try to word it in a way that doesn't come off as super rude or harsh. Thank you so much.

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I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot! Good luck with this.

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Thank you so much

I'm not sure I can give better advice than what PPs have said but I really understand you. I am also really not close to my dad. Without getting specific over the internet, he has certain big big problems that he's always swept under the rug and has not acknowledged to this day, which I think is a giant insult to every single one of us in the family. But that's how he is and he won't change. That said, I think he will make everyone's life hard if I refuse to include him, which is why I was hoping to have both parents walk me down the aisle. I haven't told them yet though. Last summer when I told him we won't do any parent dances he was so pissed about it, which was surprising to me since I thought it was incredibly obvious as a full grown woman who has not lived at home for 10 years and was never close to him, I wouldn't want to slow dance alone with him as a show for guests. But again, he doesn't acknowledge that he made our childhood very bad, so I guess he assumed we would fake it through all these traditions as well. Sigh... so I know the aisle walk conversation will be hard even if I'm not entirely excluding him. Good luck to you, because I can really sympathize and appreciate what you're feeling.

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I think honestly if you feel something is wrong about it then do not do it. Your happiness takes precedence and if him walking you down the aisle will make you feel odd and you still have some issues with him I wouldn't. I hope I do not sound rude but it sounds like he is choosing when he wants to be a good father and that is not fair to you.

If it really feels wrong to you, could you tell him you’re more comfortable walking alone but would like to do the father-daughter dance with him if he’s open to that (if you are too). It’s pretty sweet he reached out and wants to support you on your wedding day. This may be his way of reaching out to you now. Offering him another role may open that relationship.

I understand this.
My dad traveled for work a lot when I was a kid and my mom raised me by herself for almost 9 months out of each year until I was a teenager.
Allowing my father to walk me down the aisle when my mom did a ton of the work by herself, it didn't sit right.Plus my dad and I tend to get into heated arguments in high stress situations, so leaving us alone for even a few minutes while everyone else walks down the aisle could mean screaming and me crying before we walk down the aisle. So I'm having both parents walk me down.I havent told either of them this, and plan to spring it on them the day of the rehearsal.At the end of the day, you just need to do what feels best for you.

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I am very sorry for this. People that are toxic do not often recognize their faults. This is why I have an aunt who I never speak to and will know nothing about my day what so ever. I think you do not have to do anything to appease him and he can pissed if he wants. Although he should realize that if you are not including him there has to be a reason. Sigh....people are a challenge. I still hope your day is all you imagined.

I know exactly how you feel. I was in the same situation, but I wanted my mom and dad to walk me down. I also had no idea how to tell him, but he called me one day and said he got the save the date and that him and his girlfriend are so excited(it was so weird because it was like he was guest talking to me. That's how much he isn't even involved in the planning). He knew kids weren't invited but then said his girlfriends daughter is going to have fun and I said sorry dad this an adult only wedding. He acted surprised. I was wondering if he was around his girlfriend honestly. Anyway I ended up just telling him over the phone because he mentioned that he is looking for a song for us to dance to and I told him " I wanted to tell you something about that. I would like to walk with you and mom down the aisle and also have a dance with mom". He said "I have never heard of that but okay" clearly he was upset, but this is my wedding that I am paying for and my mother has been both my mom and my dad and it is a difficult job. I feel like its not right to pretend a dad who is rarely around or helps with the wedding to get to give you away or get to have his own dance. I always wish and also wondered what it would be like to have my dad around. It is difficult to tell him, what you want to do, but you will just have to do it. He didn't put in the time or work it takes to be a great dad or a father it seems.

I don’t have a bad relationship with my dad but I walked myself. I think if you say it to him like you feel it’s your journey to your husband alone, it makes it sound more like that’s your choice to walk alone rather than it having to do anything about him

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Jeanette, I really appreciate your insight and sharing some of your story as well. I am sorry you've had to deal with a similar situation. Thank you so much