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Just Said Yes May 2023

How to tell father he isn’t walking me down the aisle but he’s paying for the wedding??

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Audri, on October 1, 2020 at 5:18 PM

My fiancé and I just got engaged and we still have about 2.5 years until the wedding. However, I’m conflicted on what to do. I’ve always wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle but he suffers from PTSD from the military and is an alcoholic. I love my dad sober and he’s a really great person when he is, but he’s the complete opposite when drunk. He’s missed my baptism because of drinking and drank the week leading up to my graduation. He has made my brother and I fend for ourselves when we were in high school because our mom left for school for a few months and he wanted to drink the entire time and lock himself in the bedroom. My mom and dad will be paying for the majority of the wedding (if not all) and I’m really grateful for this. I don’t want my dad to walk me down the aisle because there have been countless times where he’s chose alcohol over out relationship and me. I don’t know what to tell him! Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

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28 Comments

Super December 2021
Casey · on October 2, 2020 at 1:09 AM
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Exactly this! I really disagree with PP about "say nothing and decide later." Often times paying for the wedding comes with strings attached- best to check now before money is exchanged.

If you think you may change your mind you can definitely phrase it as "I may or may not have you walk me- I really need time to think about it" but be upfront so he can decide if he still wants to pay
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Beginner February 2021
Sherone · on October 2, 2020 at 1:36 AM
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Totally agree!!!
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on October 2, 2020 at 4:14 AM
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You need to be honest with him - when he's sober.
And that conversation needs to not be about the wedding, but about what his drinking does *to you*.
I wouldn't make any decisions about the wedding for quite some time, instead, I'd concentrate on healing from the trauma. Alcoholism hurts everyone in the family - have you been to counseling?
That might be the best place to learn how to talk about this with your dad.
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Devoted September 2020
Samantha · on October 2, 2020 at 8:47 PM
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I think this is perfect advice. I honestly wish I had this talk with my father because when I finally saw him ( I was separate from the guys until the ceremony) he looked like a complete mess and it was embarrassing. He borrowed my husbands pants that he wasn’t going to wear so he didn’t have to buy them & he claimed the fit before the wedding just to be disappointed when I saw him in person. He looked like he was drinking for days. I love my father but he made questionable choices these past few months.
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Super December 2021
Alyssa · on October 3, 2020 at 8:26 PM
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This is the right answer.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on October 3, 2020 at 11:10 PM
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I agree with others about holding off until it's closer. Perhaps you could consider having both of your parents walkimg you down the aisle?
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Dedicated November 2020
Jr · on October 5, 2020 at 1:01 AM
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Honestly I wouldnt tell him til its very close to the wedding..2.5 years?? Thats plenty of time for things to change. Hire security, have a backup plan for if he is drunk..
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Beginner December 2020
Lexie · on October 10, 2020 at 6:45 PM
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Maybe since you have time until the wedding have a talk with him now & draw a fine line about what you expect him to be as a father in the years coming to prove he’s capable.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this!
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