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Audri
Just Said Yes May 2023

How to tell father he isn’t walking me down the aisle but he’s paying for the wedding??

Audri, on October 1, 2020 at 5:18 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 28
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My fiancé and I just got engaged and we still have about 2.5 years until the wedding. However, I’m conflicted on what to do. I’ve always wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle but he suffers from PTSD from the military and is an alcoholic. I love my dad sober and he’s a really great person when he is, but he’s the complete opposite when drunk. He’s missed my baptism because of drinking and drank the week leading up to my graduation. He has made my brother and I fend for ourselves when we were in high school because our mom left for school for a few months and he wanted to drink the entire time and lock himself in the bedroom. My mom and dad will be paying for the majority of the wedding (if not all) and I’m really grateful for this. I don’t want my dad to walk me down the aisle because there have been countless times where he’s chose alcohol over out relationship and me. I don’t know what to tell him! Any advice is appreciated, thanks!

28 Comments

Latest activity by Lexie, on October 10, 2020 at 6:45 PM
  • Katie
    Expert January 2021
    Katie ·
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    I’m sorry but if he is going to be hurt by this, you kind of have to let him walk you down the aisle given he’s paying for the wedding. If you have a close enough relationship for him to pay then it’s close enough to walk you.
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  • Audri
    Just Said Yes May 2023
    Audri ·
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    Thank you for your input!
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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    Obviously you have to do what you know in your heart is right for you and your situation. If it were ME, I would have a talk with my father. I would let him know that I have always dreamed of him walking me down the aisle at my wedding, and would want nothing more than for him to be there for me on my big day. However, in order to do that, he cannot drink at my wedding (or at least not a drop of alcohol prior to walking me down the aisle). Let him know upfront that if he chooses to drink before the ceremony, he will not be walking you down the aisle. And not just that... he will be ruining your wedding and breaking your heart. Make sure he knows the importance of it to you, and what the consequences are. If he chooses alcohol, then that is his choice, and you can feel guilt free at that point about walking down the aisle alone, or with someone else.
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    I’d hold off on even worrying about this until you are much closer to your wedding. A lot can happen in 2.5 years. He could be an awesomely sober dad during this time and you may decide you do want him to have the honor of walking you down the aisle. On the other hand he may do the exact opposite and solidify your decision to not have him walk you down the aisle. Just hold off making that decision right now. It isn’t something that needs to be discussed right now.
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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    Since your wedding is a ways away, I’d hold off saying anything about who walks who down the aisle. And when the time comes, I’d just say we’re doing things different and I’m walking alone or with whom ever you choose.


    Because of my moms age, I’ve opted to walk down the aisle with my future step son and FH - we will walk together
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  • Audri
    Just Said Yes May 2023
    Audri ·
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    And that’s what I was planning to do, it’s just so hard when I forget the emotions I felt when he was drunk. Thanks for your advice!
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  • Audri
    Just Said Yes May 2023
    Audri ·
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    You’re totally right!
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  • Audri
    Just Said Yes May 2023
    Audri ·
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    He could, but this has gone on for a decade, so it doesn’t seem like it is going to stop.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I agree with this but also will piggy back with others and say wait until closer to. Sometimes with life events it is about having uncomfortable conversations. I hate to sound like a jerk but since you mentioned a time you needed to fend for yourself will he come through with paying for the wedding?
    I think it is fair to have a chat with him that you would love for him to walk you down the aisle but you are strongly asking that he remains sober until then. If he drops the ball then that is him. You are not telling him he is not walking you down the aisle and then accepting his payment rather putting the ball in his court to stay sober.

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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    Kristen has a good point. You could give him an incentive to stay sober. That could work out for both of you honestly. Of course if he couldn’t stay sober during the 2.5 years that would be painful for you but it sounds like what you expect anyway.
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  • Audri
    Just Said Yes May 2023
    Audri ·
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    You’re definitely right! And my fiancé and I have had the conversation of if he does get upset, then we’ll have a smaller wedding or postpone until we can pay for ourselves. Like I said, he’s a completely different person when sober, and I adore him. It’s just his decisions have hurt in the past and are making me reluctant to get hurt furthermore. Thank you for your input though!
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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    I love the posts that say give him an incentive to stay sober, but I have to speak on the reality side of this; it rarely works and with good intentions they could agree but then still fail.


    An alcoholic has to WANT to get sober for themselves. While AA may not be the solution to every addict, there are plenty of medications out there that can help (without putting their life in jeopardy and making them violently ill) - But again, The Alcoholic HAS TO WANT TO WANT TO GET SOBER for themselves and their loved ones. I’ve personally experienced all sides to an alcoholic and there is no bargaining, it’s all in their hands and they have to seek medical attention from a professional who is willing to work with them and their family.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I totally get what you mean and it is not fair for you to be let down on your big day. I hope he can get it together for you but I think that is the right mindset of if things do not go as planned then you two will have a smaller wedding or wait until you can do the big one. Just in case have you considered saving up now just in case so you do not need to postpone? Worse case if you have the money have a nice honeymoon or put it towards a house.

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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    Very good point!
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  • Molly
    Expert August 2021
    Molly ·
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    My dad is unreliable for very similar reasons. If he comes to my wedding I'll be surprised. Luckily you have more time than I do to have your father sober up.

    I plan on having both my parents walk me down the aisle. If he flacks I still have my mom.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    To be honest, I think it would be better to express your concerns and let him know your plans upfront... which could lead to your parents NOT paying for the wedding. But then have the wedding you can afford. I think it would be incredibly hurtful and disrespectful to take your dad’s money THEN tell him he can’t be involved.


    I’m not sure if setting a boundary (telling your dad he can walk you only if he stays sober) is a good idea or not. An AA counselor might be able to help answer that better.
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    I agree that they have to want to get well for themselves, I do think having a reason to get sober goes a long way. I do not however agree that only a medical professional can help. My FH was a drug/alcohol addict for 15+ years and when he realized his ex-wife could take his kids away from him he quit cold turkey. He has now been sober for over 10 years. It is very possible to do it on your own, but that way is also not for everyone.
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  • Kia
    Devoted September 2021
    Kia ·
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    I don’t know if my father remembers our conversation we had when I was a little girl when I told him I wanted to walk down the aisle alone. The wedding is postponed to next year and I haven’t brought it back up nor do I plan to. It’s not new info, it’s not shocking it’s not rude. If I don’t want to, I just don’t want to. He will walk down the aisle with my mother


    I would say there’s no need to tell him. He shouldn’t assume he is going to be the one walking with you. But I would say since he’s paying for your wedding he deserves a gift or some sort of special acknowledgement.
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I’m a recovering alcoholic & have been sober almost 15 years. As such, you can’t get sober for anything or anyone else- you have to get sober for yourself. I agree with what a lot of what has been said- there is no bargaining with a drunk. So much can change between now & when the wedding happens. Talk to him (when he’s sober) when it’s closer to the wedding. If, on your wedding day, your dad is drunk, how about your mom walking you down the aisle?
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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I would be honest with him about how you feel. This may lead to him not wanting to pay for your wedding so you should be prepared for that.

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