How to not invite the moms husband?

Seeing as they are a social unit, you need to invite him. That being said, I think if he is physically or emotionally abusive you could make an exception.

Sorry, I don't agree that 100% of all social units need to be invited... from what I gathered, I think its perfectly ok NOT to invite him.

Now, you have to be ready for what that comes with: your mom may not want to come if he's not invited, it might cause more drama...etc. But I say you do not have to invite someone like that. Why would you? he sounds like a horrible person who obviously doesn't like you anyways, why would he need to be there?

Don't invite him. There are exceptions to every rule... this is one of them.

14 hours is a long way for someone to travel by themselves which is the main reason I'd consider inviting him. If there's someone else also invited that she could travel with, I wouldn't invite him. If there were any complaints, I'd remind the both of them what he pulled at your first wedding.

What are the issues?

It sounds very much like your mother is in a relationship with an abusive man, physical or not. Healthy people don't do these things, and don't isolate their partners from family and friends. I think you need to keep to your current boundary of how you guys don't visit mom because of him, and tell your mother that you love her more than life, but you won't have him at your wedding. Be very clear, but firm, and provide examples. Be prepared for her to say if he doesn't come, she won't go, either. That is how these things work. It's hurtful, but she's your mom. Make sure she knows you're not angry with her if she feels like she can't go without him. Good luck, OP. I really hope her situation changes before your wedding.

Do not invite this man. If I could, I wouldn't invite my friend's husband. He's an emotionally abusive asshole, but because it's just a friend and they probably won't be able to make it anyway, I'm not going to cause drama. But this is your mom. His presence with your mother will cause you undue stress. And this is supposed to be one of the best days of your life.

I think you have to include him if your mom is coming

Ok first I was going to go with "they're a social unit", "is this the hill you want to die on", etc...But girl if there was ever a hill to die on, this would be it. Your mother is married to an abusive man. Even if he's never hit her or you, he is still abusive. I'm pretty sure "tried to hire the (former) groom of his stepdaughter an escort at his bachelor party" is one of the biggest etiquette trump cards there is.

I sympathize, and fully believe that you should do what you need to do for the happiness of your wedding day. But actions have consequences, and not inviting him means creating conflict with your mom. She might not come to the wedding. There might be a rift in your relationship. Are you prepared for that? If so, then don't invite him. But just be aware that not inviting your mother's husband might make things more difficult than it seems they already are between you two.

There really isn't a nice way to do that. :/

I currently feel your pain. I know this is an older thread but I feel like you just spoke my entire current situation for me.

It's your wedding and your day. Don't invite someone disruptive who will probably steal your joy. If my daughter wanted me at her special event but not my spouse, then I would attend alone and my spouse could get over it. My special person doesn't have to be my child's special person and this "package deal" "social unit" bs......don't give me that. Surely they can be apart for day.