How to NOT invite specific family members.

We are in the same situation. We're just dealing with it as it happens. We are not going out of our way to tell people they aren't invited.

I am somewhat in the same situation. My son is getting married. I have 3 half sisters. My son has met them no more than 2x. We do the typical texting basically to keep in touch.( with one). None live in our state or keep in touch with my son or me other than brief social media. Should they invite them to the wedding? I am really mixed on this issue. I feel if not invited I should let them know before, but don't know how. I have other siblings (whole) invited.

View Quoted Comment It's your son and his fiance's decision. I would lean closer to no if they can't afford it just because he's clearly not close with them and it sounds like you aren't that close either.

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Thank you Hannah. My son and fiancé don't feel they should. The 1/2 sisters seem to be closer to my other sisters. They are giving me a bit of grief. Yes not their wedding. I feel I should say something in advance. Any ideas?

Oh the kids are paying about 100 invites.

View Quoted Comment Personally, I think it would be more awkward to bring it up first, but if you feel like you should maybe something like "As I'm sure you've heard, son is getting married. While he would love to invite you, it may not be possible."

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Thanks so much for your thoughts. They do help🌈

There were 3 family members that I did not want to invite but my mother insisted. When they sent back there rsvp they tried adding in people that I do not even know and I had to nip it in the butt right away!!

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M.W. wow, how many came. One of my sisters said to invite them, they won't come. They all are married😏

We're doing a 55 person wedding. It's our immediate families, all grandparents, and we each picked two families that are important to us. There are a few stragglers we invited beyond that, and we let our parents each invite a one couple (1 couple for both parents.). For my side of the family: One of the families I invited is my aunt, uncle, and their two sons. They are my only aunt and uncle not out of state, and I only have 3 other sets of aunts and uncles. It was easy enough to call them all and explain the situation because there are so few of them. We are having a bigger potluck (150ish) a month after the wedding (no gifts, just bring a food and come celebrate, not weddingy at all just a backyard party) and told them they are all welcome to come to that and told them we would love love love to see them but to please note it was not the wedding and is super casual so they know exactly what to expect, especially since they would be coming out of state for it. For my fiances side, we decided to invite the uncle he is closest with and his wife (as extra people, not as one of the families). We asked his parents before hand if it was a) an issue we were not inviting any aunts and uncles, because if so we will just have a normal wedding and b) if they would still like us to invite that uncle if it is smaller, or if it was easiest for them if we did not to avoid drama. They said they would love to have him there, and suggested we ask him to play music for the ceremony (not a weird thing, its what he does and music is why him and my fiance are close) to mask the blow a little bit. We asked if they were sure, we didn't want to cause any drama, and they said not to worry about that at all, if anyone has any issues they will take care of it and we shouldn't be worried about that. I don't know his extended family very well, we see them once a year at Christmas, but I know a lot of them are in the area, and there are a lot more of them than I have, but his parents told us not to worry about it and said they wanted that uncle there, so that is what we are doing. I'm nervous about it, but I have to let it go and realize if we had a bigger, normal wedding, it would just be someone else who feels like they should be invited. Tldr, it's hard! I know that part wasn't super advicey, just letting you know what we are doing. My advice- the potluck after the wedding has been a good deflect so far, for anything. Someone wants to be really involved? Tell them to help with the potluck. Someone thinks they're invited and is excited? Explain, and tell them about the potluck. No one has been upset yet! Your grandma wants you to use ugly table settings? Tell her you werent going to splurge on that but shes free to bring them to the potluck. But the BIGGEST thing has just been wording the wedding itself. Not "We're having a ceremony and reception with about 60 people and then a potluck a month later for everyone!", but "We're just having our immediate family there, and we each picked two families that are important to us who have supported us, along with a few stragglers." 60 is a really intimate number but it doesnt sound like it, so saying it like that I've found really helps. Maybe yours is a little more, but "we each picked three/four families" still sounds a lot more intimate that "less than 100 people" and should help.

View Quoted Comment Congratulations, 🎊. Thanks for sharing.

View Quoted Comment How was the helpful at all?

We both come from really large families with 2/3 living very close all our growing up years. And the rules have to be different. Easy to say, if you invite some aunts or uncles, you have to invite all. If you invite cousins, you have to invite all ... On and on. When you have 3 aunts and 6 uncles, and spouses make 28 guests. Well like general societal rules, you don't invite all but 1 of any group, or ostrasize a couple people. But traditional " invite by circles" is NOT the same as invite all aunts, then 1st cousins. In a small family it may seem that way. The rule is : invite by degree of closeness of your relationship, in circles from nearest to most distant.
When you have 21 aunts and uncles , plus 19 have spouses (40 total) and you see 26 of total 4-10 times a year, and 10 only at other people's weddings, 2 x in ten years, , and 4 live in distant places and you have not seen them since you were 10, your aunts and uncles + spouses form 3 different circles. People you share everything with, people you like, but though close in distance neither of you bothers to see the other for 5 years at a time, and barely met family. ............ Then 1st cousins, and spouses or SO, 60 you see regularly all year, 50 you see every few years at other people's events, and 30 barely know and would not recognize. You have 3 circles, share everything, see sometimes but never visit each other, and distant.
......... And second cousins, 10 you see all the time, 50 now and again ,62 never......... Following standard of ettiquette, invite those with whom you have the closest relationship, first. That would be the 26 aunts, uncle's and SO, 60 1st cousins + SO you see all the time, and 10 2nd cousins you see all the time. These 98 people , plus your 11 siblings and 10 SO, 21 total would be your 119 invitations first considered after parents, grandparents, and WP. If you still have more room for family, the every 5 years sometimes seen aunts and uncles first, cousins next. And you don't invite any never seen family. Have them at a family reunion, not your wedding. ....... My first husband wanted every relative out to 4th cousins invited. All 16 of them, including , plus 8 spouses. It was a school graduation time 4 weekends in a row. So 16 graduating cousins the week we chose. Which cut most frequently seen aunts, uncle's and cousins down to 60. No room for all. So we cut 15 under 10, kept all over 15. It was not unfair that he had 4th cousins, and I could not even have all first cousins. We both got as many age appropriate for a night wedding, people from our families, whom we saw all the time. Then we invited some friends we saw all the time. Had we more room we would have had friends we saw a couple times a year. And no one not seen in 3-5 years. .... In small families, doing all aunts + u, then 1st cousins, then second or cut them, may also look like a picture of who you really have close relationships with. But the larger the family, the more likely it is you frequently see some from each category, a + uncle's, 1st cousins, 2nd. Then next close, some a + u, 1st cousins, 2nd cousins.Then rarely seen, all categories. But your first circle, by degrees of closeness of your relationship, are you he people you regularly see and share your life with. However they are related. And the friends you share your life with most. And the next level is, infrequently seen. And next is, almost never. You are not talking, invite 2 aunts, don't invite one, that seems mean. You are talking, invite 40 you know, not 20 you don't. And they know as well as you do, that is his is how things work. So it is not usually a big deal. OP should invite in circles by how close she or FI feel to clusters of relatives, degree of cliseness. Most close. Middle close. And cut, rarely seen. For her, 100 with only 60 or so family, is a small wedding where cuts are necessary.At my second wedding, cutting 167 young children of aunts and uncles and first cousins under 15, that we regularly see, was necessary. Big families.

I’m not close to anyone on my mom’s side, except my grandmother, and I’m not inviting any of them. I spoke with my mom and she’s fine with that. I did go to my grandmother and she just said “It’s your wedding. You invite who you want to. If they don’t understand that and get upset, that has nothing to do with you. They control their own emotions.” Actually made me feel really good thinking that way about it because I was afraid of causing some drama.

Can you do the math for us? It would be helpful if we knew how many people exactly we are talking about here.

There is no way to selectively invite without drama. I'm sorry to tell you this because I don't think it's fair, but I come from a large family with a cultural expectation of a big wedding, and I can predict the future on this one. There will be deep offense taken and grudges held.

One choice you have is to simply live with the grudges--it's their problem, not yours, that they are upset about a very reasonable choice to keep the guest list at 100. But people aren't reasonable, and this may upset your FH's family to the point where it isn't worth it. A definitely doable choice is to invite just aunts and uncles, no cousins, and add the couple of must-have cousins to the wedding party.

I am doing some real mental gymnastics in my head trying to figure out another way to do this that won't cause drama. I think in the end you will have to weigh the expected drama against how badly you want to keep the guest list at 100

Edit: you could do only grandparents too, that's definitely an option

Everyone's family dynamics are different but there really isn't a way to do that without creating drama.
If someone is married/engaged/dating, their partner must be invited.
Beyond that, only invite people you want. Never invite anyone out of obligation, including family, but be prepared to address any backlash as a result. As an example, I am not close to my "immediate" family (parents, remaining step-grandparent, an uncle) but I am close to my extended family. Extended family will all be invited while immediate family is not because there is no relationship, but picking and choosing among them is not the process. Do I expect them to come out of the woodwork to complain? It could happen but I highly doubt it.

My husband and I both have a ridiculous amount of cousins. If we invited them all plus their spouses/partners, it would have added another nearly 50 people to our wedding. So we chose not to. We told our aunts/uncles that as much as we would have loved to include the cousins, we simply could not.


And then the COVID-19 apocalypse happened and we cancelled our big wedding anyway and so it didn’t matter. LOL

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It actually is considered a small to medium-sized wedding. A medium-sized wedding starts at about 150 people.

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How useful. Big family = hard cuts = 100 IS small.

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What if you're getting married in your parents' backyard? I feel like people are going to think that allows you an unlimited guestlist, but it's actually the opposite.

Personally, I just say invite who YOU want to invite. It’s your wedding and you’re paying for it. If the reason they’re not being invited over others is because you haven’t spoken to them, then so be it. To be honest, the reasoning doesn’t matter. They’re not invited and that’s that. May be rude, but it’s not their wedding. And your wedding day shouldn’t be used as a family reunion. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I feel like there is a stigma with things like this and personally, I’m not worried about stepping on people’s toes when it comes to my wedding day!