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Kristin
Just Said Yes May 2019

How to move on from a disastrous wedding?

Kristin, on June 28, 2019 at 2:17 PM Posted in Married Life 3 57

I'm not sure even where to begin (or if this is the correct forum to be posting on), but I will start by saying that I am so happy to be married to my best friend and love of my life. That was never the issue. But the things that happened before and during my wedding left me with such disappointment and sadness, I literally start to tear up any time someone asks me about it. I'm posting this not only as a way to get it all out, but to ask if anyone has tips on a good response to questions about the wedding, or if there is a way I can shift my mindset about it.
We had been together over 5 years when he proposed, and wanted a relatively short engagement (originally planning for 9 months). Then his sister got pregnant, and we ran through scenarios of her and his parents, etc. not being able to make the wedding the month before she was due, our original date. So we decided to move it up 3 months, leaving me only 4 months to plan EVERYTHING.

Trying on dresses was kind of a disaster. The store attendants took pity on me trying on dresses by myself (I'd moved out of state, no friends or family nearby.) My mom said she'd pay for my dress, but wanted to see me in it in person, so I waited to try more on until I went back to my hometown. I found the PERFECT dress, that made my mom and sister cry, and I felt like a princess. But then we went to another shop, found a cheaper style that I kind of liked, and my mom paid for it basically before I could say anything. My dress was ordered in the incorrect size, based off of incorrect measurements the attendant took. After $360 of alterations, the sleeves were still falling off of me, and the cups were so oversized, you can see half of my breast in the gap in a lot of our pictures. I felt so uncomfortable in it.

My bachelorette party was supposed to be a scavenger hunt in Palm Springs, which everyone sounded in to when I mentioned it, but then they all started cheating, and rushing to the next bar, ignoring the game and saying they were over it. OK, fine, lets just drink. But then by dinner, everyone was sleepy and one of my bridesmaids ran in to friends and decided to hang out with them instead. I was just over it so we went back to the hotel. The next day by the pool was lovely, can't say anything about that! And one of my bridesmaids put a lot of thought in to decorating the rooms, which I so appreciate.

The story of the DJ is long, but let me summarize. My mom paid him up front, and for the next month, he was unreachable. His website didn't work to put in song requests and order, when sent to him directly (1 week before the wedding), he stated that too many of my songs were vulgar and despicable (Cardi B and Nicki Minaj and the like), and that I should just listen to him and his years of experience instead of embarrassing myself. After much back and forth, he agreed to play what we asked.

Moving forward a bit to our rehearsal, everything went fine.
The morning of our wedding, I went for my beauty appointments and these people acted like they'd never done services for a wedding party before. I brought in pics of both hair and makeup, and while I didn't expect them to be exact, the hair was horrible and like nothing I wanted, and the makeup was so bad, the artist actual told me she wanted to step back and let someone else finish because she wasn't sure how to fix what she'd done! I saw her crying in the back room! I literally think it was her first time applying makeup. I had black circles around my eyes and my face was so cakey.. I should have done my own, truly. I was basically in tears in their bathroom before we left.

At the venue, I did my best to fix my makeup. The hair had been sprayed to the point of being crisp, so no fixing it. I still think to this day, I looked awful. My mom, who was assisting with the flowers and cake setup, was in the bridal suite for about 10 minutes when we arrived. She was unable to be located after that, and I didn't talk to her again until the reception. I took pics with my mother in law instead, putting my jewelry on me. Pretty sad my mom missed out on those moments.

Even though I didn't want to see many people before the ceremony, they just kept coming in to the suite, even after I was in my dress, drinking our champagne, and sitting on the couches. We took pictures, (more on those later), and then everyone got seated and lined up.

Here's where it started going downhill. The DJ played my processional song instead of the bridal party song when the girls started walking, and when he realized this when I got to the start of the aisle, he abruptly stopped and started it again. Even though I'd asked several family members to record the ceremony, only one did and the file won't open now. I felt almost numb walking down the aisle, kind of out-of-body, and I truly can't remember so much of the ceremony or even what happened after. I hate to say that I was fake smiling while walking down the aisle, but I kind of was.

When the wedding party walked in to the dining area, it was to no music (I requested music, obviously), and our first dance was super awkward (obviously on us for not taking dance lessons), but I also asked the DJ not to play the whole song, which of course he did, so we ended up just stopping in the middle and asking him to cut. Our main courses were horrible, and nothing like I'd been served at the tasting dinner. I didn't have more than a couple bites, and I was starving. The DJ repeated 2 songs in the first 20 minutes of dinner, because he kept hopping in to the photo booth to take pics, even though he brought along 2 assistants that we had to pay for meals for.

I also kinda blame my bridesmaids a little for not telling me that my strapless bra after I changed into my reception dress was so unflattering that I can't even look at any of those pictures because I look just horrible, back rolls and all. I'm not skinny, but don't usually have back rolls, and it look like my back had been sectioned off 馃う鈥嶁檧锔廔 would have just gone braless, had I known! The cake cutting was a nightmare, again because of the DJ who kept yelling at the crowd to encourage my husband to push the cake into my face. Several people told me "you don't need to hit every table, let them come to you" and I highly regret listening to this because I didn't get to talk to nearly as many people as I wanted to, take pics, etc. I feel like some people didn't even want to talk to me, which hurts of course, but that they were there for the open bar and to catch up with other old friends.

The photo booth broke down 30 minutes before it was supposed to due to a technical issue, the DJ messed up a "money dance" that I was supposed to have with my bridal party and instead asked that ALL ladies join us in the corner of the room, therefore ruining what we had planned out. I was so upset that I started drinking heavily (red wine). Flash forward to going to a bar, a karaoke spot, and then home to puke on my wedding night. The next morning, I was so ill and hadn't packed a separate makeup bag or hair brush, so I showed up to the day-after brunch looking like a wreck and not talking to anyone, trying to hide how upset I was.

Then my mother in law said something a bit insulting about my mom, so my mom left brunch before ordering food and later confessed she was crying on her way back home. Flash forward to 6 weeks post-wedding and I receive the pictures.. They're so heavily edited that the foliage all looks dead, people look fake, the colors are so totally off, and I don't even want to share the pictures. I thought at least I would have those to look back at fondly. I spoke with the photographer and she stated "that's what my work looks like, I won't change it, you probably shouldn't have hired me if you expected it to be different."

So yeah, it's been almost two months since and I still cry thinking about my wedding. I just want to hear that the feeling goes away. I feel guilty knowing that our families (and of course ourselves), put so much money in to this, and my feelings of this day are predominantly negative. I do have great takeaways like the speeches, seeing the look on my husbands face as I walked down the aisle, and of course, actually being married to such an amazing man, but that's literally it. I'm starting to think a deflective answer like "Oh, well, it was kind of a disaster, but we're married now, so that's all that matters!" but I feel like this is going to piss some people off. I need to talk about this to be able to move on, but not sure who! A therapist maybe? If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

57 Comments

Latest activity by Gigi, on February 29, 2024 at 1:24 PM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle
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    Smiley sad I am so sorry to hear about that! I always tell brides there will be hiccups but that at the end of the day you got to marry your soulmate in front of your friends and family and that's what matters but I also know you worked hard to plan a nice event hoping it'd come out well. I had a lot of hiccups for my wedding too and planning but I was able to brush everything off because at the end of the day it was all irrelevant and trivial enough to and it didn't affect my overall enjoyment and beauty of the day. But for you I am so sorry to hear your feelings about this because it sounds like it really hurt you overall to know you worked so hard for it to end up that way.
    My first tip regarding your wedding photos - IT IS OK TO RETAKE THEM. I have friends who do more than one wedding photoshoot Smiley smile that way you can get more poses you didn't before or different looks. They're still your photos so why does it matter it wasn't on your wedding day?
    I think it's ok to say there were things that happened that you didn't expect or plan for and that you wish things went differently but the main goal of marrying your man was achieved and that's what is most relevant
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  • W
    Savvy December 2015
    Woman On The Go
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    Hopefully it helped you to just write all that down and get the frustration out! It does sound like a lot of bad luck (and some not-so-nice or professional people), but in the end you got the result you wanted: marrying your best friend. And maybe (maybe?) in time you can laugh about the mishaps! My wedding day didn't totally go to plan either: the dress I liked my sisters didn't like and I mistakenly took their advice (big mistake), we messed up our first look, my playlist got shuffled, I ate last, I don't even think I got a slice of my cake somehow, we missed the speeches, and it all was a blur for me. But honestly, it was so much fun to finally get married, have everyone there, and see our overall vision come off. And there's always the chance for a redo vow renewal down the road, just sayin'.

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  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany
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    I'm so so sorry. It makes me sad to read this. You can't change the past but you can influence the future. So first, I recommend retaking wedding photos. Find a dress you feel AMAZING in (doesn't even need to be a wedding dress), have your husband get a suit, do your hair and makeup yourself or find someone you can trust to do it right, find a beautiful place to take photos, and hire a professional photographer. You'll start to feel a little better when you're able to display photos you love in your home. I'd also recommend planning a nice vacation with your husband, and plan a vow renewal.

    What happened on your special day was not fair, but it was ONE day, you'll have sooo many more opportunities to have special moments and make great memories. You will be able to move on from this, give it a little more time. Once you start focusing on other things and enjoying married life it will start to bother you less and less. Hang in there Smiley heart

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  • Anna
    Super April 2020
    Anna
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    I'm so sorry all this happened to you. Just know you have every right to be angry. But I agree with PP, try to retake your pics. Yeah itll be a little costly but those memories are forever. I live by one motto, I can control what I can, the rest I let go. U couldn't have control everything. Try not to think of the negatives in your wedding. I dont think I've heard any wedding go smoothly.
    But have you talked to your husband about this? Just to let it out. And him agreeing with you, itll make you feel better. Also you're not being mean by saying people that was a disaster, cause its true. that was not your wedding. Anyone would be upset if that happened to them. So wouldn't consider it rude. But hope you feel better and remember it was just one day.
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  • Furture Mrs. G
    Expert September 2019
    Furture Mrs. G
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    Oh my goodness. I am so sorry this is how your big day went. But, all of it is in the past. You cannot change it no matter how many times you have tried to (in your mind). You are married! You are married to your best friend. Yeah, your wedding may have not gone at all how you wanted. Yeah, little things turned into big things. Yeah, you spent money and whoever helped. But don't want to change your day for anyone. You will look back on that day and laugh and remember the good that came out of it which was YOU MARRYING YOUR BEST FRIEND Smiley smile

    I know it's easier said than done.

    As far as the photographer, that is not okay that she did that to your pictures and it's sad because that is the one thing that lasts forever through that whole day- the pictures.

    As someone said- redo them. There is no harm in that.

    I hope you get to feeling better and instead of you thinking how bad your wedding was maybe next time someone asks how it went you can laugh and say "ohhhh you know, not everything went as planned but it was oh so worth it".


    Good luck Smiley smile and congratulations on your marriage.

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  • Naikesha
    Super September 2020
    Naikesha
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    We are here for you! I鈥檓 also very sorry that your day or weeks were messed up.

    and it鈥檚 easy to say you got the man so forget the plans but..... the wedding is truly just a day! God willing your marriage is forever. I agree with the majority I would re take the photos.
    I would definitely leave negative reviews for the vendors - caterers, DJ, photographer, and photo booth company.
    not that it will change anything but it may make you feel better and it may help another bride.

    I do think maybe a lunch date with your MIL and mom to fix things so they can borrow the hatchet.

    I would also also give myself one last cry and then move on passed it. You don鈥檛 have to talk about the wedding deflect the questions and simply say the wedding is mostly a blur my husband and so I are so into being newlyweds and enjoying married life! We are looking to making new memories! This way if you stop talking about it you will be able to let it go!

    hope this helps!!
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  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly
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    I don't even know what to say. All I think is you must be a saint because I would have lost it.i do think you're allowed to be upset, if you want to take the suggestion of redoing the wedding photos I think that'd be good.
    Maybe you and your husband can do a year five vow renewal somewhere nice for you both and photograph that too.
    On the plus side, you two definitely love each other, and are there through thick and thin.
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  • Steph
    Dedicated June 2019
    Steph
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    I always try to think when something terrible happens we can eventually laugh about it in the future when i'm done being mad. Years down the road you may think "yeah my wedding was terrible but this was nice about it (some positive things that happened)" and you can laugh about that asshole DJ. I just try to turn the bad things that happen in my life into funny stories!

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  • MIWM
    VIP June 2019
    MIWM
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    I am so sorry to hear about this. I know it's tough but stay strong! Every bride has something go wrong on there wedding day. I forgot to bring my guest book to the church. It got left behind in my car.

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  • Lola
    Devoted June 2019
    Lola
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    I'm very sorry to hear about this! I definitely think you should retake your pictures. Find a photographer you really love! I got married two weeks ago and LOTS went wrong for us too. I never had a shower or a bachelorette-no one offered to throw me one. My mother wasn't present during the getting reading portion either; she didn't want to "show up so early." Our Officiant started reading the ceremony before the processional even began! My planner had to interrupt him in front of everyone to stop- it was mortifying. THEN the sound wouldn't work so there was dead silence for five minutes straight. My husband was also 30 minutes late because he waited until the last minute to get dressed and couldn't find his cuff-links or socks. We had to cut a lot of family pictures because of that. Then my DJ introduced us as soon as we got to the reception, ending cocktail hour 30 minutes early. We wanted to mingle with guests before the official entrance. I am still processing and upset about everything that went wrong. Everyone keeps telling me that it was a beautiful wedding and that they had a great time, but it's hard for me to really believe that. I think it was probably an okay wedding that most people will generally forget. But then again, most people forget most weddings. I think it's particularly hard when we see SO MANY pinterest level weddings on here, reddit, etc., and think that if ours isn't PICTURE PERFECT, it doesn't mean anything. I actually have a therapy appointment next week and I plan on talking about this, A LOT. Perhaps a therapy session would help you too! Big hugs and congrats on marrying your best friend! xoxo

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  • S
    Expert October 2020
    Shaina
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    I am truly sorry all of this happened on your wedding. You have every right to feel how you feel. Bridesmaids weren't being honest, DJ was a a$$, hair and make up was annoying. I am pretty sure lots of other brides would feel the same way, including me. Maybe to help move from it, Try thinking that you just married the man of your life, maybe the wedding wasn't perfect, but actually marrying probably was. I think the biggest issue was the DJ I would leave an honest review about him tbh. Also out of curiosity , would you be able to post some photos of the wedding Would love to see how you looked on your wedding day(sometimes we are our own worst critics).

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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride
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    I'm sorry you went through all this. I had a lot of mishaps throughout my planning and wedding as well. So much so that the hair stylist told me I had a black cloud following me. Mmm she wasn't that amazing either lol. I think we all have let downs and issues with our weddings, some more than others. F that day and the people who screwed it up. You and FH could have a vowel renewal and make the memories you want just the two of you!
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  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride
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    Your best bet at this point is to remember that some day, this will be a funny story you tell your grandchildren. It gets a lot funnier when you can end it with, "And yet here we are, 50 years later!"

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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen
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    I am so, so sorry this happened to you!

    It sounds like most of those mistakes were made by your DJ... I hope you wrote an honest review to prevent other brides from hiring him!

    Did any of your friends or relatives take any photos that you may be happier with? Do you think your photographer would send you the raw photos (totally unedited) because that's not like she has to "change her style" of editing or anything, she just has to send the originals? Is it possible for you and your husband to dress up in your wedding attire again one day and get some portraits taken (by a different photographer of course)? And maybe the day you do that, you could also do a little vow renewal just between the two of you to have a positive memory to go along with the new photos? Would you consider having a vow renewal maybe for your 1 year anniversary so you could celebrate with family and friends again and make more positive memories of that?

    Again I am so sorry this happened to you Smiley sad hopefully some of those suggestions will be helpful!

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  • Tiffani
    Dedicated August 2020
    Tiffani
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    If it were me- this is what I would want someone to force me to do:

    go buy a cute simple white dress online or at a local store- doesn't technically have to be a wedding dress (check out lulus!) get your hubby a cute suit/tux, do your hair the way you feel the most beautiful, go get "wedding pictures" together with a pro photographer somewhere you both love and go to a nice dinner Smiley smile I bet it will be a lot cheaper for a photo session- like an engagement shoot.


    it wont make up for the day- but then you will have a great memory and a day where you feel beautiful! So sorry that happened to you- its not too late to plan something special just the two of you!

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  • Yoice
    VIP March 2019
    Yoice
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    I鈥檓 sorry you had such a horrible experience. I think talking about it helps specially here with people that understand your frustration. I think something that might also help is writing reviews for your vendors like like DJ and the catering. It is a way to help other brides out there not have the experience you had.
    Time heels all and you should concentrate on the positive rather than the negative even if is small.
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  • Sara
    Devoted April 2020
    Sara
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    I鈥檓 so so sorry you had to go through all of that! I do agree that you should reach out to your vendors, either by reviewing them or contacting managers and still reviewing anyway! I鈥檓 also really sorry about your mom not being there for some of the moments you would e liked. You can鈥檛 get them back but talking to her about everything may help you both out in understanding one another. You did get the best thing out of it though and that was marrying your best friend. I know that a lot of money was just spent but maybe you and your husband, possibly on your first anniversary, can do something special together to make a good memory of your day. A nice weekend away or anything you find fun. You could even get your hair and makeup done and buy a new dress. Just a thought. I鈥檓 sure you鈥檒l be able to move past all the negative emotions with time 鉂わ笍
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  • mrsaj2b
    Master October 2019
    mrsaj2b
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    Wow. Listen I am not going to comment on what happened. I just want to remind you that you opened up this thread by saying how happy you are to be married to your best friend. Guess what? All that you went through didn't stop that! You are happy, in love, and you have your best friend by your side. Time will erase everything and as someone said you will look back and be able to laugh. What you could do is chose an anniversary and have a big vow renewal party. In the meantime, enjoy each and every one of your married days with your man. Live it up girl! It will all be fine.

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  • Alycia
    Super July 2021
    Alycia
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    Elope. Forget everyone else, forget the drama, forget the unprofessional vendors. Elope in Vegas, on a cruise, anywhere you want. Do it for your first anniversary. Have a day that is special for you. Get some terrific photos. Never look back.

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  • G
    Just Said Yes August 2019
    Ginny
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    This was heartbreaking to read. It鈥檚 funny though, I read it & thought, 鈥渙h that鈥檚 something my mother would do.鈥 She has decided to drive in on the morning of the wedding & if there鈥檚 traffic she will miss all the pictures. I have actually kinda planned for that.

    your makeup story is what I fear...

    I would redo the makeup & put on the dress & get the photos re-made at your favorite place in town. It 鈥渨on鈥檛 be the same because it鈥檚 not your wedding day鈥, it鈥檒l be better.

    Lastly, I suggest that you find a therapist and make sure you鈥檙e able to grieve appropriately and leave this behind so it doesn鈥檛 mess up your family relationships. This WAS a big deal. It deserves a tears. And maybe some legit Therapy.

    xo,
    g.
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