Monica
Dedicated June 2018

how to handle money from parents

Monica, on December 1, 2017 at 10:39 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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I have seen a few posts on here in the past of how parents promised to pay for half or to write a check and never did and it got tense between families. Well FMIL promised us a check, which mostly covers alcohol but it covers a few other small things too and we would definitely need to cut the guest list significantly to provide for our guests if she wasn't giving us that check.

Well FSIL just got into an extra expensive med school and now I'm kind of worried they will be like "never mind we have to pay for her school so you don't get a check" because it's been so long since they mentioned it.

Is there a good time or a good way to ask for that promised check from them? We didn't ask for the money, they were the ones who said they were giving us money but it was like 4 or 5 months ago that they said how much they were giving and I feel weird bringing it up, but also don't want to get to a month away from our wedding and find out the money isn't there either.

21 Comments

Latest activity by Elizabeth, on December 1, 2017 at 8:37 PM
  • FutureMrs.L
    Master September 2018
    FutureMrs.L ·
    • Flag

    Nope, no proper way to ask. It's up to them when/if to give it.

    • Reply
  • Janel
    Super September 2018
    Janel ·
    • Flag

    I agree with PPs. Until to you have money in hand, plan as if you do not have it and cut your guestlist.

    • Reply
  • RPMOB18
    June 2018
    RPMOB18 ·
    • Flag

    Money is always an awkward topic but I think you can bring it up. Next time your FH speaks with his parents he can mention that you're choosing your vendors and sending deposits etc. This may prompt response from them?

    • Reply
  • Monica
    Dedicated June 2018
    Monica ·
    • Flag

    I like the "offer on the table" thing, I think FH is open enough with them that it wouldn't be a big deal. They gave us a small gift when we bought our house 5 months ago and said "we will give you X for the wedding too do you want the check now" and I wasn't there but FH said "no you're good we have lots of time" and FH said his mom said "okay well let me know when you want it" now I wish he would have just took the money just because it's been a while and we haven't talked about the wedding the last few times I saw them with holiday parties and such. They actually originally told us they would pay for half and then I didn't really keep them filled in with prices because this was only a month after we got engaged and I had no clue what a florist,DJ, photographer cost etc and then when we bought our house they changed it to a set amount which maybe they thought was half but it's more like 1/4, Either way I'm not complaining because it's something so if they do still give it to us I would be happy, and I think we could "afford" our wedding without their contribution but it would be dipping into my emergency savings fund and going out of what we had originally planned to save every month

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Super September 2017
    Sarah ·
    • Flag

    UO - but I like JustKidding’s idea. My parents wouldn’t be offended if I brought it up like that. I think everyone’s family dynamic is different so FH knows how his parents approach sensitive subjects like that. For the record, we were in the same boat as you. Both my parents and his dad promised us a check. My parents said well give you this percentage and his dad said “yeah I’ll contribute.” H and I could afford our wedding on our own so we just continued booking everything we wanted. We never brought it up again but my parents did repeatedly asking me for an estimate and I honestly didn’t know. a week before the wedding, my parents asked us for specific numbers and cut us a check as their wedding gift. All of our final payments were already in so it went straight into our savings. Alternatively, plan the wedding you can afford and if FMIL pulls through, it will be a nice little bonus check surprise!

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  • Future Mrs. G
    VIP February 2018
    Future Mrs. G ·
    • Flag

    I do think there are ways to go about it but like @JK said it depends on the family dynamic. I know if my mom was me and I was her she would have zero issues asking me. Myself on the other hand can't bring myself to do that. FMIL offered to pay for my wedding shoes and our photobooth, but I just said "oh ok" but it was something that was already paid for so we didn't need her to. But she insisted!!. The day of my shower she put a generous check in the card (on top of buying a gift) and a separate check for the photobooth and the shoes. She didn't have to, but it was something very thoughtful and I didn't have to bring it up to her nor would I if she didn't give it.

    The best advice I can offer is to not bring it up. Let them come to you.

    ETA: just read your update. If she said to let you know, than I would have FH let her know.

    • Reply
  • danilaughs
    Expert August 2018
    danilaughs ·
    • Flag

    UO but I think it's reasonable to bring it up graciously like JK suggested!

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  • Bridecb
    Devoted June 2018
    Bridecb ·
    • Flag

    I agree with JustKidding. It definitely depends on the relationship you and your FH have with his family. If it is open, FH should just ask his parents. If not, then I agree that you need to plan as if you do not have the money.

    • Reply
  • brieliz
    VIP January 2017
    brieliz ·
    • Flag

    If they said "Let us know when you want it" then they are waiting for you to let them know. I think that changes the conversation.

    I'd send your FH over, just say "Hey is the offer still on the table? We haven't talked about it in a while. If not that is totally fine." See what they say. It's not like he's asking blindly, they had already brought up the money conversation.

    If they say: "Yes but it'll have to be after the holidays (or some time frame)" or "No, we can't do it anymore" then you plan for the lower guest count.

    If they say: "Yes no problem, here's the check" you plan for the higher guest count.

    You don't need to send the invitations out until March so as long as you get it by end of February you can do the higher guest count.

    • Reply
  • Constance
    VIP October 2017
    Constance ·
    • Flag

    We had this happen. All parents offered very definite amounts. We went to them and said "Hey, we are about to sign contracts. We don't want to spend money we don't have. Are you able to provide this right now? If not, we need to change our plans."

    Just make sure you plan with the money you have in your bank account right now.

    Like PPs stated, my family is very open with each other so it was fine. Agreed, be gracious not demanding.

    • Reply
  • Monica
    Dedicated June 2018
    Monica ·
    • Flag

    Thanks for the advice everyone, much appreciated

    • Reply
  • Aly
    Expert June 2018
    Aly ·
    • Flag

    Get FH on board to speak with his parents. They offered - and I think it's totally reasonable to bring up if the offer still stands.

    • Reply
  • F
    Expert September 2018
    FutrureMrsA ·
    • Flag

    Honestly, I would have FH ask his mom, i mean its his mom he should be able to bring things like this up to her... have him be like i know you mentioned helping out with the wedding are you still interested? we just need to finalize our budget so we know what we have to spend. when we got engaged i straight up asked my parents if there helping and so did my FH then they gave us checks we put in the wedding account and use it for all wedding related expenses.

    • Reply
  • Nikki
    Super May 2018
    Nikki ·
    • Flag

    I agree if FH has the family dynamic where he's comfortable bringing it up, then just ask him to do it in a polite conversation. My parents have offered a generous chunk of money that will cover our bar tab & my dress but I won't be seeing it until early next spring. So we're planning based on what we can afford without their contribution, and once we get it then we'll have a nice chunk of change that we can put towards a honeymoon.

    • Reply
  • WHO? Mrs. Jones
    VIP December 2016
    WHO? Mrs. Jones ·
    • Flag

    FIL told us he was going to cover the cost of the open bar/bartender, since that is what he did for BIL's wedding. With no check in hand, we budgeted as though he was not going to pay for the alcohol at all. The day of, they gave us a card with $, but not nearly enough to cover the alcohol/bartender. He knew what he said, and if he were going to pay for it, he would have done so.

    PP mentioned the relationship you have with FH's parents can play a role in this. If it were my side of the family that had made the offer, I'd have doubled-back and been like "yoooooooooo bout that booze. Are you gunna pay or what?" lol

    • Reply
  • Red2018
    VIP August 2018
    Red2018 ·
    • Flag

    Apart of the UO as well. My parents and FILs are giving us money. They often bring it up themselves, but we did have to make sure they were giving us the money. We brought it up like @JustKidding. But we are really really open with each other. So it works out

    • Reply
  • RustyTheDog
    Dedicated December 2017
    RustyTheDog ·
    • Flag

    May not be helpful to you, be we just had the people who volunteered to pay for things sign the contracts and send the money themselves (many also wanted our signature, but the paying parties were also on the contract). They were therefore contacted when new payments were due, etc (along with us). I did make sure we could have covered it, but not going to lie it would have made me super salty to cover it when they said they would, and we gave them invite choices/other decisions because they said they would pay. We would have had a slightly different wedding otherwise (mainly guest list). So I'd bring it up in the polite ways others have mentioned. If you give them an out particularly, I see no harm nor foul.

    But if they didn't pay and you had let them invite guests (as an example) because they had volunteered to pay, I'd be tempted to revoke their guests invites.

    • Reply
  • Light Haired Girl
    Expert February 2018
    Light Haired Girl ·
    • Flag

    You mention FSIL in every thread you make... You should probably start getting used to her being as you're about to be family.. Just saying. You shouldn't count on their money to pay for anything unless they paid up front. If someone offers to pay for anything, still have the wedding in your own means, unless once again they've paid you up front. My father offered to pay for our wedding and we declined to avoid issues like this.

    • Reply
  • K&M
    Dedicated August 2018
    K&M ·
    • Flag

    What's your FH's relationship with them? Can't he ask instead? I'm really close to my parents so this wasn't an issue at all.

    • Reply
  • Oceankissed
    Super November 2017
    Oceankissed ·
    • Flag

    I agree - you shouldn't ask for money.

    • Reply

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