How to handle inviting certain family to an Lgbtq+ wedding?

You need to extend the invitation to the spouses. Think of it as the olive branch and of showing them you and FH are the bigger people. It will then be up to them to choose to attend or not. As for you being worried they will not be on their best behavior at your wedding, I’d recommend that you reach out to those aunts and uncles and just let them know that you are happy their spouse has decided to come and support your marriage and you will expect everyone to be on their best behavior. It would be absolutely appropriate for you to have someone that will not hesitate to ask anyone that can’t behave to leave.
But extend the invitation and put it in their court to step up and support you and your future or show their asses and not.
Good luck!

Sorry, reach out to the aunts and cousins.

I honestly would invite them and if they are truly against your union they may not come. I feel if you tell your family their spouses are not allowed then that puts them in an awkward position to choose or they may feel offended that they cannot bring their loved ones. I hope they can act right on your day of but if they are truly against the union they may not show but then you did the right thing by inviting them. I think it would cause more drama to tell your family they cannot come. Good luck and so sorry you have to deal with that.

Have their spouses been outwardly disrespectul to you? I ask bc my sibling is within the lgbtq community and she falsely believes that if one is not a fan of same sex marriage then they don't accept her. I believe there's a diffetence. One can love another person while disagreeing with their lifestyle and/or life choices. As long as the person is respectful and doesn't repeatedly have to tell you that they disagree with your life choices then I don't see why you can't invite them if they are spouses of your loved ones.

View Quoted Comment The spouses of the cousins have been pretty indifferent. But the toughest one to handle, so to speak, is one particular uncle who I was close to when I was younger, but has refused to acknowledge me since I came out. In their mind, I no longer exist. I just struggle with trying to invite the family I am close to and inviting the more realistic family of those that care.

View Quoted Comment That is very hard I’m sure and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. It is sad that people that claim to love you think it’s ok to “disagree with your lifestyle”. It isn’t for them to agree or disagree with. It’s just for them to love and accept you.
I still say extend the invitation and let your uncle make the choice for himself what he feels is more important. To support and honor you or hold on to his unfounded “beliefs”.

With couples (whether they’re married or not) they both get invited as they are a social unit. My daughter (who’s gay & just married her wife in November) had the same issues. Her father & his side of the family are very judgmental- she invited her father & his wife but didn’t invited anyone else from that side. Even though he was in town, repeatedly called/text her about her wedding, asked what to wear, etc, he was a no show to her wedding. That was the breaking point for her- told me “just because you’re family doesn’t give you the right to treat people like that “. You don’t have to be in any situation that makes you uncomfortable. Your wedding is about you & your fiancé! Good luck handsome!

My brother was on the same fence, with an uncle ( mom's bro) and with the wife of one of my father's brothers. In the end he followed my parent's advice. They extended and invitation to All 15 of my mom and dad's brothers and sisters, and their 14 SO.
But my mom had a talk with her bro and sister in law. And dad talked to his. They told them, you have loved K all his life, until you realized he was gay. If you love him still, and can keep any negative words and feelings to your self, come
If not, stay home, but the rest of your family is still welcome. Mom's bro, who has a lot of issues with everyone, stayed home. But his wife and all the kids within driving distance came. And Dad's bro came, and most of the kids, but his wife and her bio daughters stayed home.But no one was offended by not inviting these troublesome spouses. And a buch of the otger brothers and sisters of mom and dad would have been stirred up if someone was not invited. But they also thought it fine that a condition was set by my parents on coming only if they would behave appropriately. These 2 individuals differ in a lot pf ways, like celebrating college graduations of an male, and ignoring any female, niece, cousin, or their own daughters. My parents can be absolute diplomats when they choose. But here they were quite blunt. And I thought it right they, as parents, dealt with family, not my brother or his FI.

View Quoted Comment

No.

You cannot "disagree" with a "lifestyle" that is not a choice. It is a biological reality. Rights are not like pie, there are more than enough for everyone.

Wedding Wire is a place that celebrates love in all forms, and we are a LGBTQ+ positive space.

OP: While I agree that couples are a social unit, I would ask you:

If your family is married to someone who doesn't accept you... how are they supporting you?

I am a firm believer in putting your own mental and physical health first, and that includes not having people at your wedding if they *remotely* don't support you and your FH.

I guess I have a few questions....



1. Have the individuals you do not wish to invite been outwardly disrespectful to you or your partner? Or is it more a situation where you are just aware they do not agree with your relationship yet they are still cordial to you?If it is the second case, I would say it is entirely up to you whether or not you feel comfortable with their presence at your wedding. Personally, if I had a relative that I knew wasn’t supportive of me marrying my fiancé, yet they were still cordial/respectful, I would probably extend the invitation for my relatives (their spouse) sake; and just hope they didn’t show up. However, if they have been outwardly disrespectful to you or your partner, then I don’t see any reason they should be invited to your wedding

2. You said if they were to attend your wedding, they may be “unpleasant”. Could you elaborate? Do you mean you would find their presence at your wedding unpleasant? Or do you mean they would act unpleasantly toward you? Would they be disrespectful to you or your fiancé, or cause a scene at your wedding?If you would find their presence unpleasant at your wedding, you need to evaluate how much that would bother you and act accordingly. If they would actually act unpleasantly toward you or cause a scene at your wedding, there is no way I would invite them. Weddings can be stressful enough: you don’t need the added stress of fearing somebody is going to cause a scene during your wedding. That is an unnecessary liability
3. Would having them there make you and/or your fiancé unhappy, uncomfortable, etc. to the point it would affect your happiness on your wedding day?If so, that would be a no-brainer for me – I would not invite them. This is your wedding day and you deserve to feel surrounded by nothing but love and support. I would likely make a phone call or meet personally with the spouses of these individuals and let them know that their Love and support means a lot to you, as does their presence at your wedding. You support their relationship but you are aware that their spouse does not support yours, and because of that you would feel uncomfortable having them present during the union of a relationship that they do not support, and feel it would also be uncomfortable for their spouse to attend a wedding they do not support. Make it known that you realize you may be putting them in a difficult position, but it is incredibly important for you to create an environment of love, support, and as little stress as possible for you and your spouse on this very special day
4. . How upset would you be if the family members you do want there chose not to attend because their spouses were not invited?
This is one of those things you are going to have to weigh out the pros versus cons on.
I know there are a lot of “etiquette rules” to weddings that people say you have to live and die by; but all situations are unique, and not all of them fall under the umbrella of certain etiquette rules. I see no need to honor etiquette when it comes to people who are disrespectful, abusive, or who will potentially ruin your day. If the guests in question fall under any of those categories, then I say don’t worry about etiquette, just do what is right and healthy for you and your fiancé! Congratulations on getting engaged!! 💕

View Quoted Comment Yes! I totally agree on putting your mental and physical health above “etiquette rules”. There is no way I would invite toxic people to my wedding and allow them to potentially ruin that important, once in a lifetime occasion. If they do not support my relationship, why on earth would they want to be there anyway??

Congratulations on your engagement Tyler!! If it helps, my brother went through this years ago with his husband. He now wishes he would have invited more of the family as many are now more mature and have shown support and expressed they would have liked to be there. I understand the complexity, on one hand you should not be uncomfortable at your own wedding, however I understand the importance of family presence on such a special milestone in your life. It’s disappointing that you are younger yet more mature than some of the extended family. Feel sorry for them. Completely your decision, but if you extend an invitation to them, you can sleep well knowing you did the more mature and honorable gesture. If they decline, that’s on them and the family will see just who is the more gracious one.


On a separate note, if you really can’t stomach them, covid weddings have to be small these days and you can blame it on restrictions 😉

So, I’m typically the etiquette police. ****% of the time, it’s absolutely inappropriate to invite one half of a couple, but this is the exception. It’s really easy for the heterosexual couples of WW to only point out the breech of etiquette, but they also don’t understand how detrimental it can be to your mental health to be around people who don’t accept you for who you are. Your comfort at your own wedding is the priority. If I was in your shoes, I would invite the spouses of the cousins who you say have been indifferent, but the uncle who disowned you can go on somewhere else because we don’t have the time for that negativity here.

View Quoted Comment No, there isn't and your sibling isn't "falsely believing" anything. They're believing the reality being shown to them. I am flabbergasted that you think you can choose that for them, you get to decide that's "false." It isn't, and this notion is as offensive as the homophobia itself.

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry, what? No, there isn’t a difference. It’s wildly inappropriate to tell someone that they should invite someone to their wedding, who literally doesn’t agree with their wedding, as long as that person isn’t too vocal about it. This also isn’t a lifestyle or a life choice. What an incredibly disrespectful and privileged thing to say.

I agree with PP- extend the olive branch BUT hire security and discuss your concerns if you think they might cause a scene/want to be safe. I'd also talk to them directly or via parents to say "you're invited and welcome but if you don't support me/my lifestyle/this marriage then please stay home."

This is a tough one. I'm black so I'm thinking of it from the perspective of, if some of my extended family was either racist against me and/or against interracial marriage (which mine will be).

In a case like you describe, I would probably invite the cousin's spouses since they are at least cordial. I would NOT invite the uncle, you don't need the reminder that people hate you for such a terrible reason right in your wedding. I would talk to each family member - the aunt and the cousins - and explain my concerns to ensure the cousins' spouses would be well-behaved and that the aunt understood why her husband wasn't invited.

I very much believe in the couple is invited as a social unit. But there should be exceptions IMO.
If the spouse has been hostile, called you names, insulted you or will be combative and aggressive at the wedding, that is a valid reason to not invite.
I would treat it as the uncle who gets violently drunk at weddings - if you do invite, someone needs to be their minder. Not the enabling spouse. I also would have a talk with the spouse and express your concerns, and see if they have any ideas to mitigate damage. If you are on speaking terms with the relative, be honest with them - “I would like you and Aunt Jane there, and I want it to be fun. Can we put the differences aside for that day?”

I tend to agree with above that you have no obligation to invite people who are toxic to you. I would be worried about splitting couples only because I worry its pits people against each other. For some of the couples, I almost think I would just not invite the whole couple. It's up to you, but I have one toxic family member and, while I like her husband, they are both not invited.

This is completely up to how YOU feel, but based on my own experience with people in my family, this is how I would proceed: invite the couples who are cordial and/or indifferent and make it clear that anyone who does not accept the marriage is welcome not to come; don't invite the one particular uncle and his wife who ignore you and are mean. For me, I would be fine inviting people who might not be as open-minded but try, and NOT fine inviting people who are mean and don't try.

View Quoted Comment Being gay is not a lifestyle choice