How to handle guests who didn’t gift?

In my opinion, a wedding is thrown FOR your guests to include them in celebrating a big moment. A gift should not be an entry fee for coming. Of course it's traditional to give them a gift to begin their new life, but it is definitely not mandatory to attend. They aren't taking advantage of any generosity. You don't invite people to get a gift out of them. And it's also not an appropriate thing to do to scrutinize someone's spending habits as justification (they do x and x and x so a gift wouldn't have been that big of a deal for them). It may be something you're used to, but I'd say it's more widely understood that gifts are appreciated but not mandatory.

View Quoted Comment

I couldn't agree with you more!

It is no one's fault that you live paycheck to paycheck and decided to spend either your money or someone else's money on a wedding. If it is that bad you could have skipped the wedding and gone to the courthouse and spent the money you would have spent on a wedding, on the things you needed. It is not the obligation or duty of your guests to stock your home with things you "need". If you needed these things, to be honest, you would have found a way to get them (borrow, thrift shops, etc.).

Is it common place to bring a gift, yeah. Should it be expected? NO. Should you get fussy about it because you think someone owes you something? I don't think so. Expectations only lead to disappointment, learn it early before your entire life is a disappointment.

I think it depends on what part of the country you’re in and how your friends and family do things but in mine it’s very typical to bring a gift. It’s not a “rule” but people usually express congratulations with gifts. The gift doesn’t have to be extravagant but showing up not even a card is considered inconsiderate. I always think the statement that it costs a lot of money to attend a wedding is only true in some circumstances. If my wedding is an hour drive from most families homes and they don’t drink they can drive home. No hotel, flights and Ubers, it’s about $15 in gas money. Just because it’s not expensive for them to come doesn’t mean they need to give you anything at all, but it’s certainly not the ONLY reason they didn't. I think a card is sufficient if money is an issue.

In response to the OP - if you want to send a thank you card expressing how you appreciate them taking the time to celebrate you I would do that.

I would not send a thank you card to someone who did not give a gift. That would seem strange to me.

View Quoted Comment

Yes, it is what it is here, I guess. I'm starting to see how this is not a very positive community, and it's riddled with bullies.

I've been proven time and time again that people will always disagree and call you out, tell you you're wrong, for your own thoughts and feelings, as if we're all supposed to be prime and proper and never do anything wrong. Did I say I wanted to/was going to attack a wedding guest for not bringing a gift? No. The thought never crossed my mind. I was never going to say anything to them, or anyone, about it. I simply wanted to know how common this was, because my husband and I were floored by it, and I made this post asking what the proper procedure is in this particular instance.

And the audacity of people to say we shouldn't have had a wedding if we didn't have a lot of money,....

people get way too cold on here. I feel as if one can't get too personal here and share their thoughts, or else they'll be criticized, which is a huge problem everywhere online. What happened to just being nice and if you don't have anything positive to say, move on? it's not worth the time and effort.

Gifting is not regional nor required. Perhaps those guests that didn't gift felt they were being taking advantage of in terms of their time, transport, dress, and any other things they may have had to spend money on just to attend your wedding. The more couples demand a gift, the more guests are going to push back. Just look at the headlines these days, bride's list of commands/Facebook rants a mile long. Weddings used to be a fun celebration of a milestone, now their reputation is souring because of this massive greed and entitlement. RSVP's and gifting rates are going to continue to drop as long as this mentality continues. It's no longer fun to pick out a gift for a couple knowing it's going to be scoffed at or made fun of, especially if a guest can't afford an extravagant registry pick. Might as well bring nothing and enjoy the hospitality!

We sent thank you cards to those who gave us a gift (that's what the thank you card is for). The reception was the "thank you for attending." We also made a point to thank our guests for coming during the dinner portion.

Personally, I couldn't imagine going to someone's wedding and not giving a gift. However, we had quite a few people who did not give us a gift. I was not surprised by the people who traveled but we were a little surprised by the local guests, to be perfectly honest. On the other hand, some guests were ridiculously generous. I think this is generally the case at most weddings. Gift, no gift, whatever. My husband was upset that they didn't give us a card (the non-gift givers were all from his family). I thought maybe they felt funny about giving us a card with no gift. Who knows? I had no expectations so I had no disappointments.

View Quoted Comment You were floored by someone not bringing a gift to a wedding which is not something to be shocked about at all as gifts arent expected or mandatory of wedding guests. Then we all tell you this after asking for our opinion and you get upset. Not bringing a gift isnt a big social faux pas or anything you need to tip toe around. You can send them a note thanking them for their attendance if you would like.

There really isn't much you can do except let it go. But this is one of the reasons that I always disagree with the "have a small registry and people will get a hint and gift money" train of thought. I have seen way too many people say others didn't give a gift because of a small registry. Anyway, there is no reason crying over spilled milk or giftless wedding guests. Neither really matter all that much in the end.

View Quoted Comment I think people gift what they want no matter what. We got most of the things off our registry from our showers. Certain people always prefer gifting from the registry, others gift a physical gift not from the registry, and others prefer to just give cash. We got a combination of all of them.

View Quoted Comment So you are truly asking what to do cause you did not get a gift. Not how to address a thank you card. Just let it go. We have friends I am sure we are not getting something from. Why did you invite this person or people to your wedding?

Oh Lordy be, people, she asked a simple question. You don’t have to go ape s—t on her. I’m from New Jersey. I have NEVER heard of attending a wedding and not bringing a gift. It’s just not done where. I come from. Of course the bride and groom can’t demand a gift- what are they gonna go- hold a gun to your head until you produce the goods? If I can’t afford all the expenses of attending a wedding, including a gift, I don’t go. That’s how it’s done where I cone from. I’d like to know where these non gifting wedding attendees come from, cause it ain’t from the east coast!!

View Quoted Comment If you’re living paycheck to paycheck then you should be spending any excess funds on those registry items that you *need*, instead of on an optional party and expecting your friends and family to buy things for you in order to attend.

I don’t even know if anyone didn’t give us a gift at our wedding. We tracked the gifts we received so we could write thank you notes but it didn’t even occur to me to line up the list with our guest list to see if anyone didn’t bring anything. I am pretty sure almost everyone gave us a gift, but I don’t care if some people didn’t. Honestly it seems kind of materialistic to be upset about it. Some people appear to have money but really don’t, you just don’t really know their full situation. Anyway, to actually answer your question, I don’t think you need to write a thank you note for someone who didn’t bring a gift.

View Quoted Comment Agreed. I would never attend a wedding, party, dinner without some sort of gift. Even if it’s a card, something small, a bottle of wine, etc., it’s customary (where I’m from) to give a gift. That’s just me. But I also don’t understand arguments such as “well I took time out of my day which I could have spent doing something else” or “I paid for a dress!” I mean, don’t get me wrong, weddings can be expensive to attend, but nobody is forcing you to go nor are they forcing you to splurge on expensive clothing or getting your hair and makeup done. Considering OP is being ridiculed for having a wedding despite her financial situation (the horror!), I just think it’s odd people would argue they spent all their money to look nice for someone else’s wedding, but neglected to purchase a card and write a thoughtful message. Of course if you’re traveling from out of town, different story completely.

Anyways, my husband and I went in with no expectations of receiving gifts - I didn’t want to even think of it at all. There are two people who didn’t gift, but I would just feel odd not sending them a thank you card when I plan on sending cards to everyone else and I don’t know what to do. Since there are only two, I just worry maybe their card was misplaced but I’ve read it’s inappropriate to ask. But if they did give something, and I don’t send a thank you card, I worry it’ll be rude. I thought this post would be a helpful read, but not really.

It seems that gift giving varies by part of the country and that's cool. Where I'm from money dances are a tradition and most people on here think this is absurd. Whatever, to each their own. We shouldn't be hating on each other's customs. Shedding light on other ways of thinking is perfectly okay though. It just doesn't need to be so rude.

My FW and I have gone to two weddings (one away and one local) where we showed up empty handed because we 1) each thought the other bought the card and 2) forgot the card at home. So yes, we showed up at the wedding with no gift or card, but we mailed them shortly after.

Going back to the hated money dance, where I'm from this is not only a tradition, but it's something that guests look forward too. Most guests don't bring a gift to the wedding because we intend to pin our monetary gift onto you.

I would personally send a thank you card for their attendance. Everyone likes to be thanked for being a part of something. You never know, that might be the smile they needed that day!

View Quoted Comment The couple always must write a thank you for gifts. But other than that, for a couple to send a thank you to guests for attending is backwards, the opposite of the right etiquette for the situation. Proper etiquette for all parties in all situations, is that Guests thank Hosts. Verbally, a note, or with a small hostess gift, as when someone brings wine, flowers, or a treat to a party. In wedding etiquette, most all guests send or bring a gift ( have it delivered.) Regular guests, a significant gift. It you invite a SO who does not know the couple well , they may bring a card, or token gift only. Since this is the usual thing, a wedding guest should say something at the wedding to the couple or wedding hosts, then between the gift and the verbal thank you, no further thank you like a card or note is needed. But the hosts or couples, aside from gifts, do NOT write notes to Thank people for coming. The wedding couple (or hosts) provided , a whole party, food, music, socializing and dancing in a nice setting. They are the ones to be thanked. Guest thank hosts. While at the wedding, couples should say, we are so happy to see you here, guests say thank you for providing and inviting us to your event. So yes, since it is basically wrong for hosts to thank guests with a thank you note, when those who sent no gift get a thank you for coming card, some do take it like a dig -thank you for nothing! Like a comment, we think you should have sent a gift, but you didn't, but we are sending you a thank you anyways, see how nice we are! So while the couple means well, since they did something backwards, host thanking guests, it can be taken badly. If you simply were excited ir happy that particular people were at your wedding, you can always write a letter, ir short note, to say so. We know you traveled a long ways to see us get married, and we want you to know that having you there made us very happy. That is fine, a nice sentiment. But NOT on a thank you card. Like a lot of thinks recently, people have been going overboard with unneeded thank you and presents at the wrong time, and a lot of time instead of making people happy, it backfires. Thanking people as though they gave a gift when they didn't is one of these things. Another is bm proposal boxes. One gives a gift near the end of a wedding process to thank bridesmaids for what they did. But at the beginning, giving gifts when you ask, a lot of people see as trying to buy their friendship, which is insulting. Or they feel pressured >>> she gave me these gifts, how can I say No now? When they really do not want to do it, because they know they do not have time, money, are any interest. But having received the gift ( or bribe) they say yes. And down the road there are problems, because they do not have time or money, or care much about the wedding, and brides blame the bm, and BM are angry they felt pressured being asked by someone who came with gifts to thank them, when they had not done anything. You are right to think about these things. Seeming good ideas, that cause problems. Stick to giving thank you notes when expected, after someone has given a gift or already done something for you. Not otherwise. And you won't get bad reactions for doing things you mistakenly were told were the right thing to do. Just remember : People who receive gifts thank the giver. Guests thank hosts. And thank you gifts are only given After someone has done something nice for you, not before like a bribe.

There is a wedding wire article for everything:

How to Deal with “No-Gifters”

Gifting is not mandatory. You should absolutely not expect gifts from any guests. On top of that, etiquette says guests have up to 1 year to gift a couple.

...you dont handle it. It is what it is. Did you have a wedding to get gifts?