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Just Said Yes October 2019

How to handle a future sibling-in-law getting married less than two months before you?

Francine, on April 4, 2018 at 2:21 PM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 55

So, I'm new here and I apologize for the long post ahead but appreciate any help/advice you could give! I am recently engaged and I cannot wait to marry the love of my life. It took a long time for us to find the perfect venue that had our date available. We are getting married on October 5th of...

So, I'm new here and I apologize for the long post ahead but appreciate any help/advice you could give! I am recently engaged and I cannot wait to marry the love of my life. It took a long time for us to find the perfect venue that had our date available. We are getting married on October 5th of 2019 and we knew we had to have that date since it happens to be our dating anniversary. We thought it was perfect that it falls on a Saturday in 2019. Both of our families knew that was our ideal date and when we put our deposit down, I was over the moon. Come to find out, the day we put our deposit down was the same day his sister got engaged. Her and her FH have been dating for a while now but are still relatively young, only two years out of college. We knew they'd be getting engaged but had no idea that it was going to happen at the beginning of this year. My future SIL is extremely kind but can be very selfish since she is the youngest of four and the only daughter in the family. Here’s where the problems begin.

Shortly after SIL gets engaged, my FH and I went to dinner at our in-laws. My mother-in-law went on to talk about how her daughter was in a really hard place because she doesn't want to upset us if she gets married first and then she proceeded to ask us to change our wedding date. She knew how stressful the process was for us to find a perfect venue and she knew the significance behind our date... Even if there was no significance, that's not something you ask your son and future daughter-in-law to do. Obviously, I was very hurt by that but my FH handled it well. The conversation keeps going on about certain things we are comfortable with and addressing any of our concerns. My FH and I, his parents, and my future sister-in-law established that August and September were off limits for the two of them. This would give some relief to the family members that are in both or attending both weddings. I was not the most thrilled with that decision, I would have liked there to be more than just two months time but understand that I don't own the calendar and I cannot expect them to put their lives on hold because of our upcoming wedding. Future SIL is also a school teacher so I can understand why she want her wedding to happen when she does not have school.

On Easter Sunday, we went to my family for lunch and his family for dessert. We overhead his sister talking to his aunt and uncle (who they are not that close to) about a certain venue and how much she loved it. At first, I was excited that she appears to have found her perfect place but my fiance was not thrilled at all. She is in our wedding and knew of all of our details as soon as they came to be and we somewhat expected the same. She left to go to her FH’s side of the family and we spent some time talking to my FH’s parents to figure things out since she never clued us in on anything. Turns out, she wanted to get married in June because that would give a good chunk of time between our dates but was having trouble finding a venue that had any Saturday availability in that month. She falls in love with this one venue and although she hasn’t booked a date yet, she’s considering Saturday, August 10th or 17th even though the venue has all Saturdays available in July. We were dumbfounded and we didn’t even know how to process this information. When we got home, we started discussing the entire situation and identified what bothered us and what was information we wanted to find out.

Here are our major concerns that we do need to address with my in-laws but are somewhat struggling with exactly how we want to do that. First, we were under the impression that August and September were off the table. Maybe that was a misunderstanding but we don’t think it was and we would like to know why this has suddenly changed. Regarding school vacation periods, there are other times when school is not in session (We live in the northeast where kids get a week in February and April, there’s Thanksgiving break and even winter break). Why not pick another time? Without any reasoning from her or her fiance, it appears to the two of us that they simply want to beat us to it. I’m afraid that this entire process, which is supposed to be a wonderful time in my FH and I’s relationship, will be focused on her wedding and then everything regarding ours will be crammed into the less than two months in between. I’m not one for all of the attention on me but I’ve been looking forward to this process for a very long time now and I know neither my fiance or I want to be considered an afterthought. I also don’t want this to become a competition but his family is very competitive. I can see his sister wanting or doing certain things just to “one up” us.

I do have to say the biggest problem we have is that we found out about this through the grapevine essentially and there was very little consideration for us. My best friend got engaged about a month after I did and when I texted her our date, she was excited for us. All of a sudden, she is strongly considering November 2019 and asked me if I was okay with that because she did not want to “crowd” my wedding date or offend me in any way. This did not bother me one bit, I was even happier for her after she asked me because I thought it was extremely considerate. When I told my FH about this, the look on his face absolutely killed me because his sister did not do the same. They were very close growing up and still somewhat are.

At this point, I’m no longer mad about the situation on my own behalf but rather the disregard of my fiance’s feelings by his own family. All of this to say, does anyone have any experience with this type of situation? I’m open to any advice or suggestions.

*If any of this appears to be confusing please let me know. I understand this is a long post and does have a lot of information packed in. I easily could have left important information.

55 Comments

  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·
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    And maybe FSIL went to her parents with her reasons why she and her FH wanted the wedding in August - she's a teacher and that makes fabulous sense. Maybe her parents saw her reasoning as valid and agreed that an August wedding was best. No one, I repeat, no one needed to clear that with you.

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  • Stephanie
    Super March 2018
    Stephanie ·
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    👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 This! Clearly they’re fine with it, which means it’s really not your business why they decided to change their minds. Unless you’re a major financial contributor to their wedding, you really have no say. There is PLENTY of time between the weddings for people to figure things out.
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  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
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    Why do you need to know this? Will you change your wedding date if it is no longer off limits? If not, it's literally none of your business.
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  • OG Kathryn
    Champion May 2016
    OG Kathryn ·
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    Are you someone who celebrates birthday "months"?? You get one day. The FILS are good with it, so should you. If you or DH want to decline their WP or events, you can do that if its to much to close to yours.

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  • T
    Devoted September 2018
    Tara ·
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    You're seriously overreacting. She gets to pick her own date just like you did, as long as they aren't the same day. Honestly, this sounds like this could be a major bonus as you both might be able to use some of the same decorations. And you now have someone that'll want to talk wedding planning just as much as you.
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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    There doesn’t seem to be a real problem here. You each day one day. Your engagement is quite long so it’s natural that other weddings will happen sooner, but it is what it is, and you were able to select the date of your dreams and that doesn’t change just because their wedding comes first. There’s plenty of time between the 2 and you surely do not get to claim all of the months proceeding your day.
    I am 100% on board with feeling upset that they didn’t tell you directly the day, that sucks. Although it looks like maybe they didn’t want to because they were worried it would make you upset...which it has. It’s totally unreasonable to expect her to try to plan it for a school vacation other than summer, that sounds super overwhelming and for no good reason

    every single one of your what-it’s are on you. YOU need to be the one to let go and not let things bother you. it. It’s up to you and FH to focus on your day and your excitement. It’s up to you to not be upset about “one up”ing. If you don’t let this stuff bother you, than you’ll be fine. Don’t overshare on your planning details so you don’t have to worry about ideas getting stolen.

    guess what? I’m getting married just over a month before my brother. I LOVE it. I’ve bonded with my future SIL talking about wedding plans and dress shopping and veils and make up, sharing advice about registries and stuff. We’re both having kind of beach-y weddings so I’m trying to be extra careful to not steal ideas of anything she’s planned first, but we are super different, so I’m really excited to see how our visions end up. There’s not a single person in the family we share who overlooks one of the weddings — everyone is excited about both, making their plans for each. Not a single person isn’t excited about or planning for my brother’s wedding just because mine is first. I’m also super excited about the opportunity to visit with everyone at both weddings. I’m assuming my day will be a blur, and at the other wedding we can really hang out.
    To be fair, future SIL did approach me first re:dates. We were engaged first but ran into some delays with scheduling and only had a vague idea (summer of ‘18) of date when they got engaged. They had a particular target date/month. So she said asked me to let her know asap about dates bc if we were early summer, they’d go same year, if we were late summer, they’d push it back a year to space them out. And I said ‘hey thanks that’s really sweet of you, but don’t be ridiculous— don’t put your whole life on hold waiting for me, same year Is cool, if they’re close they’re close, no big deal’

    its not a big deal, it’s iust a mental game if not letting it get to you. Try to make the most of it! And try not to take it personally, I sincerely doubt it is. It’s not like they’re having a 4 month engagement to get it in before you!
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  • S
    Dedicated October 2018
    SomethingOld ·
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    You. get. one. day.

    You. get. one. day.

    You. get. one. day.

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  • F
    Just Said Yes October 2019
    Francine ·
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    McSkipper,

    Your post is somewhat what I needed. I think we would have been less upset with the situation as a whole if they were upfront about it and told us their date. My FH and his siblings are VERY close and regardless of the date they picked, hearing it from someone else was definitely going to offend us since I've grown very close to them as well.

    Part of the reason why I'm upset is because I don't have a great relationship with my sister, in fact I only see her a handful of times a year. I was looking forward to planning and celebrating with my new sister and was hoping that this could be a bonding experience like you had. Unfortunately, now that her date is in front of ours, I don't see it happening that way due to her competitive nature.

    I never expected them to put their lives on hold for us, doing so would be ridiculous. I love my FSIL and her fiancé but I think the initial shock/news mentioned in this post currently does not allow me to be as excited for them as I want to be. I know that will wear off in the months to come and I really am looking forward to both weddings.

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  • L
    Expert May 2018
    LIZ ·
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    Its frustrating no doubt, seems as thou the SIL is looking for some competition. I too would let it go, easier said then done, but to back off and let her do her thing and not let her see you two upset, she loses. And only, half of your guests will have been to her wedding. Good luck in your decision
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  • Brittany
    Devoted October 2018
    Brittany ·
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    I agree with everyone. She doesn't have to wait any time before your wedding to get married. Thankfully she is doing it a month and a half before which is plenty of time for guests to attend both. I'm sorry that it upsets you but don't let it bother you. The day you chose worked for tall which is the same thing for them.
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  • Raven
    Devoted February 2019
    Raven ·
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    I kinda understand your situation. We got engaged in October and were originally aiming for April 2018. Well my cousin proposed to his FW the same day (we were a few hours before but didn't post it until a few days later to stay in our happy bubble) but he had already booked the venue and church before he proposed. A little ballsy but he knew she would love it and she did. Only small issue? He booked April 2018.

    Now yes, one day per wedding yada yada but they re getting married in Wisconsin and we are getting married in New Orleans. Families can't travel that much in that short of a window. We happily changed ours to February 2019 to give my family plenty of save up time and to steer clear of my FH cousin's wedding in December in Savannah. I love it because I get to actually enjoy being a guest with both of our families and taking notes from their weddings before my own.

    Plus, I selfishly get to be the finale lol. Totally kidding but it makes me laugh.
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  • Allie
    Expert April 2019
    Allie ·
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    Your original question was ‘how to handle your FSIL’s wedding 2 months prior to yours’ which is fairly simple. You attend the wedding. If you’re afraid of her ‘stealing your ideas’ then don’t share them. We had four weddings last summer. The two at the beginning of the summer were back to back weekends and the two at the end of summer were also back to back weekends. It’s really okay. People manage. And we didn’t compare the weddings because they were all vastly different.
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  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
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    You keep saying you know you only get one day, you know she's a teacher, you know this and you know that, then you add big BUT. These people are adults and don't have to consult with you about anything. Who knows what obstacles they are dealing with when trying to set a date and find a venue?

    If you have a date and a venue, your STD's will alert your potential guests to the fact that there will be two family weddings next year. People are then able and free to plan to attend both, one or neither.

    How do you handle a wedding two months before yours? Graciously. There is more than enough love to go around for two couples getting married two months apart.

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  • M
    Super October 2018
    Michelle ·
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    Maybe other vendors have less availability in July and that is why she picked an August date despite the venue having availability in July.
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  • xRApril
    Expert May 2018
    xRApril ·
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    FH’s sister got engaged a few months before us but never tried to set a date until we got engaged and let everyone know in the immediate family know our date was May 12. Later that day she told us she was aiming for May 5. I think someone must have told her it was a bad idea though because she ended up changing to a day in September. But I wouldn’t have said anything to her.
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  • K
    Dedicated July 2018
    Karen ·
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    I think you’re getting tunnel vision. It’s not that big of a deal. Remember, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. It’s not targeted specifically toward you. We all need to remember that.
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  • F
    VIP August 2019
    Futuremrsk ·
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    You get one day. Your future sister in law gets one day. Your friend gets one day. It seems like there is at least a month between all the weddings, and that is plenty of consideration I think. I am getting married 2 months before my cousin and the only time the timing has come up is for our bridal showers, since they will most likely both be in the summer since we are both teachers, and I am getting married in August.

    As for people in the weddings, it's too early to ask anyway so you dont have to worry about that. I think you are creating a lot of stress and drama over nothing.
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  • H
    November 2018
    happeningmom ·
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    Here is how I see it...I understand that you are upset as it was agreed upon that the two months were off
    limits. I get that she broke the agreement and you are worried that the costs
    from both weddings are goin got be too gray for he parents. You are also
    concerned about the guests having to spend money to come to both weddings within a short
    time frame. Let me say this.....don’t worry about the parents Budgets as they know what they can afford. As for her violating the agreement, in the grand scheme of things do it really hurt anything. As for guests, if the expenses are too great for them they will
    ocik which wedding to attend. It is totally up
    to them. Regardless of if the roles were reversed what would happen I would say let it go. don’t get me wrong, I would be pissed, debating on wether to address this or not but as I have aged I have found that sometimes or should I say most times, the things that we think are not fair are simply a communication misunderstanding and usually involved facts and circumstances that are known to all. All I can say is yea you can address
    it if you want but I feel that if you do you will
    Open a can of worms and start a major fight and rift in the family. By letting it go, truly let it go, concentrate on your wedding, sharing nothing to her or your MIL. By limiting the info given you can ensure that your wedding will be yours, with your special touches, on your special day, where you marry your man. That is really all that maters!
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  • LoveAlwaysWin
    Devoted August 2018
    LoveAlwaysWin ·
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    I understand you may be alittle annoyed or more so aggravated that the attention is not directly on you but just let it go plan your wedding and don’t share too much details.
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  • falkenmarried
    Expert August 2018
    falkenmarried ·
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    In regard to the planning process, you can expect people to ‘know’ you want a deeper relationship. Putting those feelings on her isn’t fair.
    I lost my only sister 2 years ago and I wanted something similar with my brother’s new very serious Gf. Not replace my sister but someone I could be close with. The first time I met her, *I* had these expectations. I realized their were *my* feelings and not her responsibility. I wasn’t going to punish her for *my* feelings and expectations. (Frankly I didn’t know I had them before meeting her but that’s a whole other set of issues) Forcing relationships never ever works.
    If you want to use this time to get close, try it out but keep those expectations low. Maybe go to a bridal expo together. You don’t have to talk wedding all the time either. You are a person first; treat her the same.
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