How to gracefully decline being a bridesmaid

I had asked one of my closest friends to be a BM for me, and she declined in part due to distance (she's currently living in VA for grad school and we live in MA) but another portion of it was finances, and not being realistically able to shell out money for the wedding events. She simply told me that she was honored to be asked to be a part of the wedding, was happy to be involved along the way for smaller things, but ultimately had too much going on in her personal life to commit to being a bridesmaid.

Can you tell her that you want to be part of her special day, but money is tight and you can't afford it, so you need to decline?

Meredith, how did you feel when she declined? Did it affect your friendship? Is there anything you would have preferred she did differently?

I told my cousin that I couldn't afford it and with all of her other BMs living in the same town as her and me being 2 hours away, it would really difficult. She wasn't happy, but it did get me off the hook. I kind of regret it now, 12 years later, because the truth was my bf at the time (who I eventually married) told me he wouldn't feel comfortable sitting alone at her ceremony and reception - even though we had been dating for nearly a year and my family liked him.

I chose him over her. LAME.

Just be honest and tell you that you can't commit to any of these things financially. did she not talk to you about your budget ahead of time?

if you can afford the dress, i would just tell her something like "i love the dress and i'm so excited to stand up with you, unfortunately i just can't swing some of the other stuff financially"

if she picked a dress outside of your budget, or if you just don't want to do it, try something gracious like "it was such an honor that you wanted me to be part of your day, but i just can't afford the dress and everything that goes along with being the best possible bridesmaid"

Blame it on money, people never argue with that (or shouldn't anyway).

@ Paris, is it the same guy you are married to now?? I hope you never tell her that was the reason, I would be livid! lol

I think being honest and up front now will work our better than having to decline the individual events as they come up. Its hard to predict how people will react, though. She is already sounding a bit self-absorbed, so she may not take it to well (no matter how tactful you are), but Kate's suggestion is probably the best option. . .

Honestly if you feel like you don't want to do it... DON'T. I say it from experience. I had a strained relationship with a friend who asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I don't think she knew that she had repeatedly hurt me (even though I had brought up a few instances to her previously), but she had been behaving inconsiderately for quite some time and I just didn't want to spend what VERY little money I had at the time on her wedding. But I didn't know how to say no, and so I accepted. She continued to behave inconsiderately and selfishly (in terms of our friendship) throughout the wedding planning process, and my resentment grew and quite honestly I don't think I can say that I was a great bridesmaid to her. I feel terrible about that now. Regardless of how she treated me, I would hate to have been the source of any negative energy on her wedding day. I never complained, never spoke up, but I sure wasn't the most enthusiastic or excited for her, and I'm sure she felt that. I just know now that if I'm ever in that position again, it's actually kinder to decline politely so that she can fill that role with someone else.

Don't feel obligated to accept being a BM. You are allowed to decline and it's better to do that than to feel obgligated to attend all of the parties and spend a bunch of money you don't want to spend. She sounds like the type of bride that would kick you out anyway if don't attend / plan every party (those types of bridezillas are very common now as evidenced by this forum). It's better to decline than to be "fired".

I would be honest with her about your finances but still say that you were honored to be asked and would love to attend as a guest.

You could blame it on the money, but that may not do it.

I've seen cases where they blamed it on the money, so the bride paid for said bridesmaid, but they the bridesmaid ended up dropping out after all that was paid.

you can include money in the reason, but if it was me I'd go a step further. I'd tell her that my life was full of personal stress right now, and that it's just not possible to be a bridesmaid at all.

do it up like you want her to have the festivities done well, and that you aren't up to it, so you just can't be a bridesmaid.

if you have to be firm that you just can't do it, then do so as politely as possible.

being honest and getting out of it earlier rather than later is the best thing to do for everyone.

good luck, and good for you for wanting to be honest and take care of it all soon.