How to discuss budget with parents

View Quoted Comment I am surprised as well. Parents are not strangers.

I think it depends the type of person who is reading this, my mother has always been a single mother and has raised 2 daughters by herself, she is now retired due to disability. My sister is a Psychoclogist and she makes great money, no kinds, no big expenses but I was raised to work hard for what I wanted regardless of what someone else could offer me. I never asked my mother or my sister or my in laws to contribute to our wedding, no matter how much money I thought they had or made( and I do all their taxes so I really know) because my husband and I are really capable of doing it on our own, and we did no debt, to me getting married was us proving that we can do whatever we want to by ourselves with out the help of anyone! My sister did end up taking me to Vegas for a surprise bach party but it was her choice and we did it at a time when we'd get the most bang for our buck. I am curious, you said you didn't know how to approach the topic; is it because you don't know what their answer will be or because you want to ask for an amount that you're not sure they'll be ok giving? What about your in-laws are you asking them too? Do your FH and you plan to pay for anything? Or can you only have the wedding of your dreams if your parents fund it?

View Quoted Comment I honestly just don’t know how to bring up the budget conversation. Like they never really ask about my wedding my mom told me years ago that when I get married she would give me a check with an allotted amount on it to do whatever with it, whether it be on a wedding or a down payment on a house. But recently when I asked her she just said you need to see how much your father is giving you first. And it’s just frustrating because he will never give me a straight answer, he says he wants to help me financially but he never gives me an exact number. And they won’t meet together and they live 3 hours away so it just makes it extremely hard. I’m not trying to be a baby. If I could pay for my own wedding I would but I literally barely make enough money right now to survive on. My FH parents really don’t have the money at the moment and they have their own daughter whose wedding they completely paid for.


Idk maybe y’all aren’t from the south but it is still a very common thing down here for the brides parents to pay for the wedding. And by no means am I lazy I work 60 hours a week I’m just a PhD student getting my degree in behavior neuroscience right now and it just doesn’t pay that well. And my FH is a Detective and he really doesn’t get paid what he deserves.

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I live in Los Angeles and here it's not very common anymore to have the expectation that your parent will contribute or pay. Seems like you have to initiate with your dad so that your mom can get on board. Bite the bullet make the 3 hour drive and go ask for your money, just be straight up. The longer you wait the harder it will be for you to achieve your dream wedding because vendors will get booked, venues etc.

Personally I would not ask my parents, if I had both, to pay for absolutely everything and not even try my in laws just because its tradition, times change and so does tradition.

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Well, that sounds frustrating. I see two options. 1) Go to your dad first, like Alejandra suggested. Either call, or drive to see him. If he's evasive, maybe mention that your mom is giving you a hard time (that might inspire him to be more cooperative!) and you need an actual number from him.

2) get both of your parent's on a conference call, introduce the topic, and start by saying your mom won't give an answer until dad does, dad won't give an answer, and ask them how they'd like to proceed.

Maybe add that if they both decide they don't want to help, that's fine, but you'd like to have an idea what to expect so you can begin planning. Good luck!

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We did something similar.

I think the tradition of the brides parents paying for the wedding is long gone. To be safe, you and your partner should plan the wedding you can afford with the money you have.

When my FH and I started planning, we realized a wedding was way more expensive than we anticipated. As we were discussing plans with our parents, we mentioned that it was so much more expensive than we thought it would be (we did so without asking for money, but rather in the process of explaining the pluses and minuses of different venues, since they were at different price points and included different things), and both parents said they wanted to help us out so we could focus on having the wedding we wanted and not nitpick cost so much. They ended up offering an amount they felt comfortable with, which we graciously accepted. Our parents both just chipped in a sum of money, rather than paying for specific things, and that worked best for us because it enabled us to allocate the $$$ based on our priorities. Plus it ensured there were no surprises to anyone (for example, no one said "I'll pay for the photographer" thinking it would cost $1000 and then I surprised them with a $3000 bill).

You can also try discussing the guest list with your parents. My FH's mom started by saying she didn't have any required guests but then changed her mind to want 12 people, including some random +1s for guests who weren't in a committed relationship (I personally detest random +1s). The money his parents are contributing more than covers the cost of the guests they wanted to invite, but if it hadn't it would have been a good opportunity to further discuss how expensive weddings are with her and what our vision was for our big day (and that it didn't include spending a couple hundred dollars per head on people we didn't know at all).

I do think that parents should chip in if they want to have guests in attendance that are not a priority to the couple getting married. I also think if parents don't chip in there should be no obligation for the couple to include their names on the wedding invitations, so the invite wording may be another opportunity to explore having your parents contribute in some way.

One note of caution: I did make the mistake of telling my mom how much my FH's parents were giving us, so she then gave us more money, which was totally unnecessary. My mom gave me two checks (one from money she inherited from the estate of her sister, which was really her father's money, which she had been meaning to give me for a while, and one from her personally). The estate check was more than my FH's parents gave us, but she felt like because she was going to give me that anyway she then wanted to match what his parents gave us with a personal check. Those three contributions cover more than half of the wedding cost, but I feel really guilty about somehow making my mom think she needed to give us even more. The one perk is that hopefully we'll be able to afford a honeymoon sometime after our wedding now, when originally it just seemed totally out of the picture. If your parents already have a strained relationship I would caution against mentioning any money that the other is contributing and trying to pit them against one another. While it may sound like a good idea to get more money (well mom is giving us this much so it would be nice if you could at least match that), it could also backfire and result in them bringing toxic energy to your big day, when the finally have to appear in the same room with one another for the first time in however many years.

I don't see anything in your parents' responses that indicates they want to contribute to your wedding, do you?

People who want to contribute write you a check and give it to you. People who want to contribute but only under certain conditions talk with you about the strings they are attaching to their "gift." Your parents aren't even responding to your inquiry, much less your request. I'm sorry, but I think you'd better bite the bullet on this one.

It depends on your relationship with them; my parents did not outright offer when we first got engaged. However I knew they were expecting me to invite the whole family which is already 90+ people. I just brought it up to them while I was visiting one night and asked if they were willing to help pay for any part of the wedding and we took it from there. I would ask them while you are alone though so that there isn't any added pressure or awkwardness

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with this. If you have a good relationship with them, ask them.