How to discuss budget with parents

Unless they’ve offered to help with the wedding, I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask anyone to give you money.

I would just ask them if they were planning/ had the intention of paying for any of the wedding so that you and your FH could have a budget idea for yourselves and then go from there. That’s what we did for ours. And then we just had a convo with both sets of parents and they told us what they wanted to cover and made an agreement with one another 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Thank you, Jess! That’s super helpful advice. I hate discussing finances with them because they always hold it over my head later but I'm still in graduate school and they definitely HAVE the money and this might be a little bratty but I am their only daughter and I'm going to do everything in my power to not follow in their footsteps when it comes to relationships (I have already been in my relationship longer than any of theirs and that's including dating and marriage!!!)

My mom and dad always talked about helping us and buying the dress so once we were planning I asked her if she’ll discuss with dad how much they’ll be gifting us so we can have an idea. We did the same with our in laws which are also very minimalist when it comes to wedding stuff.

I’m the only daughter and my mom has been married 3 times and my dad twice. I finished paying off my grad school loans first. We saved and paid for our wedding and afterward our parents gave us money that helped replace a lot of what we had spent. We never asked for anything and it was nice having no strings attached.

Unless they offer to help, then I wouldn't expect them to. It isn't their responsibility to pay for you and your fiance to get married. Since you have made the decision to get married then it is your responsibility to pay for the wedding.

I think it’s inappropriate to ask them for money. Don’t mention it unless they have offered. They are not entitled to help you. I’m sorry for their experiences with divorce, buys I agree with your parents regarding being minimalists. A wedding is one day, not an investment...

I agree with PP's. Unless they offered to pay for your wedding, there shouldn't be any conversation asking them for money. Whether or not they "have the money" is beside the point, they aren't responsible for paying for your wedding.

While I get the whole “it’s not proper to ask for money” thing, it’s your parents and this is your wedding. Honestly I’m shocked of how many posters are telling you not to talk to your parents, especially with all the posts about budget discussions I’ve seen. There’s nothing wrong asking if they want to help contribute towards anything for the wedding. You’re just going to have to move past the awkwardness and ask. You don’t have to speak to them together, which will probably help decrease the stress level for both you and them. Just make sure you’re going to be ok if they tell you no. If they tell you they’re not helping and that’s going to really upset you, that would be the only reason I’d avoid asking.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this as well. It’s not like you’re asking some random friends for help. These are your PARENTS. you should be able to talk to them about anything especially being honest about this conversation and wanting to know their intentions.

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Thank you for your advice Jeanie! I am also shocked about the comments as well. Especially since tradition is for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding. Thank you for not judging me for asking this question. I honestly just wanted advice not scrutiny on why I am am being a brat.

I don't have divorced parents so I'm sure that can be hard but I would just talk to them each separately about your wedding and if they plan to contribute and how much.

I asked my dad what he thought our budget should be in terms of what he is willing to contribute. He told me his number and I understood that anything additional would be covered by me. So far, I keep him updated through a google spreadsheet on our budget and what I am booking.

PPs are saying it's inappropriate because it is--as an adult, asking for money for a completely optional party to celebrate your marriage (from anyone, including parents) is just not the way to go.

If you've ever discussed weddings (maybe in a hypothetical sense) in the past, I could see perhaps bringing up your own wedding budget, which may prompt your parents to talk about wanting to contribute money (though they don't have to). But I'd avoid anything in terms of "so, what are you willing to pay?"

Additionally, it was tradition for the bride's family to pay for the wedding in the past for a few (often sexist) reasons (they also vary culture to culture, of course), but the main one being that women often got married very young, and were literally going from their parent's house to their husband's house, often not having worked a day in their lives. That's obviously quite outdated now.

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When the bride's parents paid for the wedding, the bride was usually about 18 years old and all the economic arrangements were different than they are now. You are adults; have the wedding you can afford.

If one or more of your parents want to contribute, they will, but don't count on other people's money until the check clears.

Okay. Sorry for asking. I just wanted advice.....

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You got advice. Just because you don't like the advice doesn't mean it wasn't offered.

Out of curiosity, how do you know they have the money? They're both doctors. Are they still paying off med school? They both have multiple divorces. Do they have lawyer bills? Alimony? Mortgages? Unless you are intimately aware of their finances, you have no idea how much of their assets are available for your wedding.

If you want to ask, go for it. Expect it to be awkward, and don't expect them to say yes. If they do, that will be a nice surprise!

If they want to help, they will offer. Do not ask them.

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Thank you for your wise words Theresa

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Not trying to be negative, but your comment that they always hold finances over your head makes me nervous for you about asking them for money? Do they hold it over your head when they give you money or just the fact that they have money. You can ask, and they may give you money, but is it going to come with strings attached? Are they going to make you feel guilty about the money that they give you? Are they going to try to dictate decisions about your wedding? If I were you, I would personally host a wedding that I could afford without their help. You can always do a bigger vow renewal or something later when you are out of grad school. I'm just thinking if they have a history of holding money over your head, that's not going to change, and it may end up being more stress/drama than it's really worth. Good luck!

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking your parents for money- as long as if they say no or if they don't give you the number you hoped for that you smile and thank them regardless for considering you. When my fiance and I asked both sets of parents, we made it clear that we were not looking for a blank check. We wanted them to only help us if they wanted to and we wanted them to only give us what they would be happy giving. People can shake their heads all they want, but at the end of the day this is between you and your fiance and your parents. If you feel like asking them, then you do you. But I would suggest you lean towards the "we are beginning to look at a rough idea of things now, is there any way you would consider helping" route.

I would also consider the fact that you say they might hold this against you. You may need to ask yourself if there are strings attached and are you okay with that? You might not even know what the strings are until you sit down and talk to them. For example, my mother had a hard condition that we invite her extended family (they are almost a third of our guest list at this point). She is paying for 80% of my wedding and the choice to let her control a substantial part of the invitees was something that my fiance and I decided we were okay with. However, if she had made different hard conditions, like she'd help pay only if we went with her favorite venue (that we weren't sold on) I'm not so sure I would have taken her up on her help.

In the end, it is your wedding, your parents and your marriage. Do what you're comfortable with and don't let the internet get you down