How to Clear the Air w/mother in Law/in-laws

If you’re being a good wife to your hubby, then I wouldn’t worry about it. You can’t force a person to like you or include you. It’s their loss and it speaks volumes of their character if they are indeed excluding you. I recommend you just spend less time being alone with them if that’s when the negative remarks happen.

If you want my honest opinion, your husband is just as much of an issue as his mother is. He doesn’t want to confront her because family gatherings will be awkward? They’re already awkward because his mother is flat out rude to you. When he married you, he did choose you over them. Or he should have. You two are now your own nuclear family and if he doesn’t set boundaries with his mother, it’s likely to cause some serious issues in your marriage going forward. He’s not standing by you if he’s never speaking up for you.

I personally see it as he's the boy and mothers have a different relationship with the boys. The girls it's easy to let go but not the boys sometimes. That's what i think it is. I kind of feel you should take her aside first, maybe him present so there's no he said she said and tell her some things you have noticed and how you have felt and you don't understand why. I would express how you would love to feel a party of the family yet you feel isolated and prefer to not have the marriage be this way. If she doesn't change them your hubby needs to put his foot down. You're his wife and you both should protect each other. You already feel awkward so it's him soaking up going to make it worse. If she continues then I would stop going to visit as much. You will know where you stand but my concern is the problems in marriage it can create if he doesn't try to defend you.

I agree with PP, this is just as much an issue with your husband as it is with your mother in law. You are his wife. You and your marriage come before everything else. The fact that he's let his mother act this way toward you for so many years says a lot about his character and priorities. He needs to confront his mother about her toxic behaviors and set boundaries now. If he doesn't set firm boundaries and stick to them, she will escalate and these issues will start to have an impact on your marriage.

View Quoted Comment Agree with your approach. I think having her husband do it now that they're married is avoiding (even though I get it, it sucks) - but having him be present for a discussion is ideal. I could see this lady being like "Your wife is so sensitive, she yelled at me."


Chin up to OP.

View Quoted Comment Yeah she may quickly turn it around asks if the mom takes things the wrong way then he needs to put his foot down. The OP doesn't deserve to be disrespected.

View Quoted Comment Ding ding ding.
The other family members are girls and sons in law. You’re the only DIL. This makes the relationship completely different and I think that any woman in your role would be isolated because “no woman is good enough for my only baby boy”.

View Quoted Comment Exactly. A friend of mine has a similar situation with her MIL.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your helpful and very honest advice. To be honest with you it’s funny because these “comments” started right after we announced our engagement. Everything I described above happened after the engagement announcement, following all the way up until our wedding last month. The last six years my MIL, while making no effort to get to know me, was still polite and cordial but she wasn’t this mean until now. even if we smooth things over it’s still feels so hurtful to know I’m not welcomed. I come from a family that’s dysfunctional I was really looking forward to having a new family. Oh well. I know that many girls go through this and you can’t change other people’s behaviors so I appreciate the insight.

Words can't even express how sorry I am that this is happening to you...I am in almost the EXACT same situation with my FMIL and FH family.

FMIL says snarky remarks then follows them up with "I'm just teasing".

I come from a super close family so it hurts me that I can't have anything even remotely close to that with his family. FH is in the same boat as your DH and does not want to make matters worse.

I didn't even attend Thanksgiving with his family this year (we go to my fam for dinner and his for dessert) because I felt so stick to my stomach just thinking about being there with them.

I'm sorry I could not offer any advice but I truly hope things get better for you.

Some people join their spouse's families when they marry. And some make 1 or 2 polite visits a year, but never consider in- laws family. I think you should not see her/ them more than 1 or 2 times a year. And that need not be on big holidays. Have part of Christmas with your family, then you and your husband can have time just to yourselves. Or do something with friends. Don't go along with this garbage any longer.
Hubby can drop in by himself, on occasion. But if he does not want to address this stuff, though he knows it goes on, then he has defaulted on any right to expect you to ever visit them, when he goes.
Cut them off. It won't hurt, it will be a relief .

Your husband knows about this, just because he hasn't witnessed it doesn't mean he's not aware.

He needs to talk to his mom. Enabling the alcoholic's behavior is only endorsing it, and it will continue. He needs to make it clear to her that her remarks are unacceptable, that excluding YOU means excluding HIM, and that, if you are not wanted, he's not wanted.

You should maybe look into counseling for both of you, particularly with someone who understands alcoholics and their family dynamics. There's a lot to unpack here, and you don't want those patterns to show up when you all have kids (because your kids will notice that behavior, trust me). Also, your husband also has a whole lot of pain to deal with because of his mother's alcoholism, and learning to stand up to her abuse will help him SO MUCH.

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Thank you for your honest advice! We actually are in couple's therapy right now (we started before we got married), and it's doing wonders. We actually just had a talk and we're going to decide together how to move forward. I'm also scared to have kids because I do not want them to see her AT ALL. I don't trust my kids with her, she is so cold, bitter, and angry. She is going through a nasty divorce of five years and while I feel sorry for her she has not done anything to try to get help, and her daughters constantly pity her and enable the behavior. What really me feel happy is that last night DH said "Since meeting you, Chico, my eyes are opening to my family's terrible behaviors. Their messed up." My DH is like the black sheep of the family, a non-alcoholic, not mean or sarcastic, very warm and caring, etc. He's very traumatized of conflict because when he was little he said his parents were verbally violent. His mom, for example, would ask for milk and his dad with scream and throw things across the room. The she would scream just as loud and they would drink heavily. He always stayed in his room alone or went out with his friends, so his friends are really what developed his incredibly kind personality. It's really, really sad. I'm so proud of him, because he started individual therapy last year (and is the only family member to do so) and he's starting to change b/c he's learning how to stick up for himself. It doesn't excuse the fact that not saying anything is wrong, but since we talked he's considering that we just not see them ever again.

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I am so sorry to hear that too. Others have said this is a common issue and it's really sad. Thank you for sharing your story with me. When is the wedding? Has your FMIL/FH family tried to get to know you at all?

My MIL just hosted family Christmas because of one of her daughters can't be there on the actual day. At the dinner table one of my brother in laws (who is very kind to me, at least that's something) made a speech about how kind my MIL was and how she's done nothing but welcome him into the family and he feels like she's his second mom, and then my MIL is like "Yes, I gained a new daughter this year too, I'm SO happy," (obviously fake) and everything started clapping, I was just so sick to my stomach I wanted to leave. You mentioned how you couldn't attend Thanksgiving b/c she your MIL is so mean, my heart goes out to you.

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Thank you all for this perspective, to be honest other people have been saying that and I wasn't sure maybe I did something to offend her, like I looked back at all the family gatherings and I've never said anything mean, we've never talked about politics or religion, something that could have been upsetting, or we haven't talked about kids, my future with DH, etc. I'm honestly trying to think if I said something but I know that I didn't.

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When we first started dating (4 years ago) everyone was so warm and welcoming...but in the last year or two things have completely changed.

FMIL has left me out of family gatherings on several occasions when FH was unable to attend.

We host Easter at our home and NO ONE offered to bring anything (this was the 4th year we had hosted and everyone brought something in the past) I reached out to FH's aunt asking if she could make a salad and she said "gee I wish I was given a little more notice, not sure if I'll have time"...that was 4 days before Easter. It's so overwhelming to be the host and be the only one contributing, then FH's Grandmother gets upset if food is not ready as soon as they get there because she will eat a lite breakfast so she can indulge in the holiday meal.

Last year FH had family from out of state come visit when FMIL told FH about it he said that he would not be able to attend the family dinner due to work...she never asked if I was going to be available and instead invited FH's EX-WIFE! I wanted to crawl into a hole when we found out.

I did confront FMIL about it, just letting her know that it bothered me that I wasn't included and she went off the deep end about how I am so ungrateful and that FH and I should have better communication.

I am cordial when around them, but stay away as much as I can at this point. If they don't want to make an effort, I am not going to waste my time trying to hand out olive branches.

I don’t think “making gatherings awkward” is a good enough reason to not say something to his mother. And realistically this should have been talked about before the wedding. You’re now a part of this family, and they need to accept that. My FH and I had issues with his family when we were just dating, and after a few months of it not getting better he addressed them head on with his family. That made me feel loved and cared for. I would talk to him about it, and he needs to talk to his mom. I think you, his mom, his dad, and he all need to sit down and chat about what you’re feeling.

It sounds like your husband is the only boy out the children, this brings me to believe that MIL might just be stuck in that feeling of "No one will ever be good enough for my boy" and well if she sees that her daughters are happy and take care of then she's happy for them, but if she sees that your hubby is making an effort for you then its a problem.

The first problem here is that you have told your husband and he would rather make it only awkward for you instead of setting some boundaries and making sure you're respected with his family, would you not do the same for him? He needs to step up and cut the BS, it's only going to continue and much worse at that. What if it gets to a point where you straight up do't want to go anymore? Are you just going to suck it up and be miserable while everyone around you is happy every time? Honestly my husband and I had some similar issues with his mom trying to be so into our relationship that I questioned him on whether or not this would continue if we were married. He made a joke trying to ease the tension but I was serious and told him I wouldn't want to be like this forever, since that day changes were made and we're truly very happy and have a great relationship with his mother that means we see her from time to time and have distance as well. It took my husband stepping up to her and telling that if she wanted to keep seeing her son that she needed to respect me. It needs to come from him.

I would politely decline to attend any further family functions. Your DH can go without you. After a few times, hopefully the message would come across, or perhaps your DH would speak to them about why you aren’t there. What you’re describing sounds almost abusive. Remove yourself as their target.

View Quoted Comment Wow that’s terrible, if my MIL went so far to do that I would never want to see her again. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. I can only imagine how hurtful it must be to be in their company. I’m so sorry.