How to ask another friend to be a Bridesmaid after my original Bridesmaid said no.

Yikes! Assuming they are in different circles, I wouldn't worry about it too much. After you ask her, you should have a chat with the original group to let them know there has been a change. Explain the situation so they don't go blurting it out in front of your other friend. You could also be straightforward with her while stressing how much she means to you. It could definitely be an awkward moment, but a reasonable person will understand and appreciate being considered regardless of you asking someone else first.

First, are you sure there’s no possible way to make it work for your original choice?The role is meant to honor a close friend, not to be a big burden. For the most part, if you can afford to attend a wedding there are few financial obligations to the role. Hosting parties etc. is always voluntary and optional. I wouldn’t let someone step down if they thought you expected those.


As for the dress, you would properly consult your party for budget. If even that doesn’t work for her is it possible to contribute? There are always rentals and resales if you are set on a color.
If she’s set on dropping out regardless, it may mean she’s not sure she’ll even be able to be there. In that case, I’d leave things as they are. Sides don’t have to be equal if they don’t work out that way and yes, it’s not great to imply someone was a second choice or that people are replaceable.

View Quoted Comment Hi CM, so my first instinct was to let her know what the expenses would look like… if she can’t afford things I can be 💯 flexible! Their dress I’m giving options (which was included on the letter) so the price range will fit exactly what the girls can afford ($40-120) She expressed she wouldn’t be able to afford the bachelorette party (1 other bridesmaids and a close friend can’t go either because they’ll both have newborns a month earlier) and that’s all good with me 😊 can’t fight with that! I was gonna initially share that with her but then I realized I don’t want her to feel pressured to change her mind. She was honest with me and I feel I should respect that. Do you think I should go with my gut feelings first? I’m hanging out with her next month just to catch up and spend time together but idk should I try then to persuade her? I just don’t want to be an awkward and disrespectful to her wishes 😮‍💨

View Quoted Comment They are in different circles 😅 I alike your take. I mean in my head I can see her being reasonably understanding and then excited that I asked. However I tend to think on the brighter side of things. So I’m glad that you can also see things in a positive light! Makes me feel better about this situation

I would avoid replacing people. It might make the person being replaced feel replaceable and the one doing the replacing feel like second choice. I would leave things as they are. It's ok to have uneven wedding parties.

The only thing financially that the wedding party is responsible for includes only their dress/suits. Everything else, like parties and pre-wedding events are optional and would be considered gifts to the wedding couple.

View Quoted Comment I’m comfortable with uneven numbers but the Groom insists it’s tacky 🙃 lol my other maids have taken to calling him a Groom-zilla but don’t tell him that 😅 I’m mostly happy he cares and has opinions but at the same time he’s ever so stubborn. That’s why I planned out who’d I ask to stand with me as a BM in case of a rejected offer. However I agree that this feels like a lose lose situation. I certainly wouldn’t want anyone I love to feel they were easily replaceable. To be honest I could have as many as 9 BM if I asked everyone I wanted to ask but the Groom again insisted more than 6 is tacky 😂 maybe I just need to start putting my foot down 🤔

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Your friends know that you care about them and that they aren't the only important people in your life. It's not like you would be asking someone that you don't have a genuine relationship with, just to fill the spot.

When it comes to having a large wedding party, I'm on your groom's side lol. Not because I think it's tacky, but because more people means more budgets, opinions, schedules and personalities to coordinate. No thanks!

View Quoted Comment Hopefully you did not include the cost of a bachelorette party in that estimate. If so, I would apologize right away and let her know that in no way is anyone obligated to contribute or attend, because they are not.


If she was assuming she’s be responsible, then it’s past time to disabuse and correct her of this misunderstanding. She essentially put the ball in your court to tell her that participation is optional, not obligatory. That’s in no way pressuring her,
FI is misguided. Tacky is inviting people to be a prop in your wedding for the sake of symmetry, not uneven numbers. I would put my foot down on that one.

View Quoted Comment Sorry, this site doesn’t allow editing on a cellphone!

You don’t. You only ask those who you absolutely want to participate. People know when they are replacing someone and being replaced and it’s not a good look for you. It’s better to have 1-2 people on each side than replace your closest loved ones.

Ultimately it's up to you but I would not ask another friend to replace her. I m sure it's not your intention but it feels like a b list invite she didn't make the original cut now it could come across just trying to keep numbers even. I would just leave it as is. Best of luck to you.

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I have 9 friends that I wanted to ask but only asked 6 because the Groom said 9 was absurd/tacky. I have plenty of loved ones and I also think my friends are mature enough to know I'm not the type to "replace" them. I love them all and have varying relationships with each of them. It's that reason alone that I didn't want to have a MOH either. Yet the groom insisted and I caved, after asking for advice on here of course.

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I would talk to her beforehand so she'd know she's not a "B lister". I think that's a childish way to view your friends. I have genuine reason that she would understand as to why I did not to initially ask her in my first 6, and if I had it my way I would've asked her to begin with because I originally wanted 9BMs. But weddings are planned in respect to the 2 main individuals involved not just the Bride.

I think ppl will ask me, so the main reasons I didn't ask her in my original group of 6 is because she's moving states soon so she'll be busy restarting her life, finding a new job, embracing new adventures. Also she backed out on being BM to a life long friend days before her wedding because she had tickets to a show. (Please don't judge her you don't know her personally and she was going through something back then. Her and that bride have made up and she knows she was in the wrong) however I would be so heartbroken if she did that to me so to save myself grief I didn't have her in my 6 but I always said if someone said no she would be in and I'd talk to her with genuine honesty about what this role would mean.

I guess now that the time has come and it's happening I'm nervous about actually doing it. Plus it wasn't until comments on here that I even considered my other friend might view me asking another friend to stand up is me replacing her. Lol I don't think of my friends as replaceable so it never crossed my mind but I'd hate if it crossed hers. So I suppose I'll have to talk to her too so she knows I love her too

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No worries, you're good

There’s no polite way to tell someone they weren’t one of your first six picks.


Again, if you conveyed the impression, intentionally or by implication that attending or paying for your bachelorette was part of the bridesmaid deal then you need to correct that asap. Participation in pre-wedding events is not always possible. Hosting is completely optional and voluntary.

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Friends don't come in matched sets though? Once you're just matching up numbers you're at the point of using people as props, in my opinion.

So I was on the other end of a similar scenario when one of my best friends got married. When she got engaged, time came and went and she never asked me to be in her wedding. Originally, I wasn’t hurt, (because I know her and know she would never intentionally let me out so there had to be a good reason), but I was kind of scratching my head. However, I attended the wedding and didn’t make it an issue. Years later, now that I’m engaged, she told me what happened. For her own budget reasons, she was only having x amount of bridesmaids and if she could have had one more it would have been me. She explained that she fought with the idea for some time and didn’t know how to tell me. I told her I was curious but not bothered by it.



My point is, whether she was honest with me at first or years later, I wouldn’t have cared. I knew her intent and I know if someone would have said no she would have asked me, and I would have gladly accepted. Who am I to judge the level of importance other people play in her life? I’d be happy to even be considered.

Be honest and tell her the truth, but prepare for her truth too.

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Thank you Nicole! I feel like my friends know me and my heart. While I am scared to hurt my friends feelings I always want to be honest with them. They have to know my intention would never be to hurt them, replace them, or make them feel like a 2nd choice. I think I'm going to talk to my friend one more time to let her know I don't expect her to do anything more than wear a dress and stand next to me on the day. If she honestly can't afford it or has other things stopping her then I'll let her know I plan on asking my other girlfriend and be honest about all of this. Same with offering the position to my other friend. I will let them both know everything about how my decisions were made and what's going on and how I love them both and no one is replaceable or 2nd choice to me. That's what feels like the best choice in all of this. I think they're mature enough, have solid enough friendships, and know my heart well enough to understand. Thank you again

View Quoted Comment You’re welcome! Good choice, I hope it works out for the best!

I was asked to be a replacement BM once and the bride was very up front about it. Honestly I wasn’t at all offended to not be chosen originally and I was so pumped to be involved! I took no offense and had a great time throughout the whole process!