How much to give my sister

Honestly, nothing. I would be extremely hurt over this.

This seems an odd and upsetting situation--I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would normally say you don't have to give a gift if you aren't invited, even under the best ettiquite. If I were you, I might get something small off of the registry, if she has one. If you want to send money, I think $50 is more than generous.

Seems like a lot more to the story, none of our business. But sounds like you already feel like the answer is “nothing”. I would t give a gift to someone regardless of relationship if I wasn’t invited because of a malicious reason.

You were uninvited to the wedding, so therefore you’re not required to give a gift. You can definitely give a small card with a note in it, but I wouldn’t put any money in the card. You’re not a guest.

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Many Thanks Erin for replying - Yes I am very hurt.

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Thanks Marcia, Yes I was thinking of something similar.

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Hi Leanne, yes you are right, there is a lot more to the story. I don't think she was being malicious, but I do think that she wasn't thinking about how I might have felt. I think I am more hurt now by her belittling how I feel. She has not apologised for the way I found out about the wedding and is sending me long rants about how selfish I am because I told her I feel hurt. It's a real mess. But I want to be the bigger person so will send her a gift but I don't think our relationship will recover from this. thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my question. I really appreciate it. :0)

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Thanks, DJ for commenting. I really appreciate it. I think I will send something but it has become clear that I don't need to send much.

I don’t give gifts for weddings that I’m not invited to.

How many people did she have to cut the list to?

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This. So much this.

View Quoted Comment 10 people.

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I thought this might be the case.

I believe in most places the 10 people includes the bride, groom, and officiant, right? Assuming they don't have a photographer, now they are down to 7 guests. If we assume 4 parents (maybe there are more or less), we are down to 3 guests between the bride and groom. That's not much. Do either the bride or groom have other siblings?

I understand you're hurt that you couldn't go, but I'm wondering if there might have been literally no other thing to do. If my FI and I could only have 10 people, we'd have to choose between siblings and grandparents which I could never do.

I realize that you aren’t invited now and that you are having issues with one another. I also understand that people don’t usually give gifts if they aren’t invited. But she’s your sister and you mentioned wanting to be the bigger person, which is the best thing to do. So, I would send a gift that’s around $50 with a nice card. You can’t control other people’s actions (especially crazy, emotional brides). But you can control your response to them and I commend you for not mirroring you sister’s behavior and, instead responding in a positive manner. So, you’ll be able to sit back and feel good in your decision. But I can’t say the same about your sister’s decision.

View Quoted Comment I also agree.

Also, good on you for being the bigger person! Emotions run very high related to weddings, and I'm sure your sister was lashing out from stress of planning during the pandemic. That said, we are responsible for acting on our emotions, and it seems like she failed to regulate herself appropriately. I can imagine you are hurt and traumatized by all of this, so you should be proud of yourself for choosing to extend an olive branch of a gift.

View Quoted Comment I’m hurt because she chose our sister in law instead of me. I totally get numbers are tight. She didn’t invite our mum either even though both the grooms parents are attending and all of his siblings. Yes number include bride and groom and photographer. What I would say has hurt the most is the way she told me.


If it was me I would have phoned and said I’m so sorry and I totally understand you might be upset but we have to do this. But she sent me a text three weeks after everyone else new. My brother and his wife are attending. And then when I phoned and told her I was upset she said I was the only one who was upset and that everyone else had wished her well and that I was being selfish. Then started to rant about how my reaction was out of order.
Anyhow it doesn’t matter now. I wish her well.

This isn't about being the bigger person. Sending a gift to a wedding that you are uninvited to shows your Sister that she can have her cake and eat it too. It appears that you want to send her a gift to look good. She will not care. If you really feel the need to, send her a card with a heartfelt message.

Technically you were no invited, so you don't need to send a gift. The fact that you were actually uninvited makes sending a gift even less necessary.

Shes your sister she cut the list due to CVIOD so you give what you can and knowing if it wasnt for CVIOD you would had been there to support her. Regardless she your sister so give what you feel