How Important is your Relationship with your Future Fil/mil?

I always wanted a good relationship with them because it certainly makes things easier ya know. but i also understand it's a two way thing and if they aren't showing interests then there's only so much you can do besides staying cordial and polite and constantly kind to them and hopefully they at least respect you and love the fact that you love their child well. i hardly even talk to my father in law because he's never around and he just isn't the type to talk much at all. my mother in law and i took a while before we started to really warm up to each other.

Honestly my FH doesn’t like either of his parents. He loves them, but doesn’t the their life choices and such. He’s only close to his sister (whom I love) I don’t care for his dad at all (I get creepy old guy vibes from him) his mom is fine but I don’t agree with some of her choices but she’s very nice to me. They live in a different state then us so it’s not like we’re around them that often. I’m nice to them and care about them, but a real relationship with them isn’t necessary for me.

I want a good relationship with them of course. I feel I have a good one with my mil and my husband’s grandmother and aunts. We all live far away and I don’t see them often but keep in touch through calls and texts and cards. I’ve never met my bil and his wife or my fil bc they didn’t come to our wedding and have refused all our other invitations to meet up. I was starting to not care anymore. But now I have a nephew on the way and I don’t want him to grow up thinking we don’t care about him, but I can’t force his parents to spend time with us or act like they care about us at all. Just venting. But some people just aren’t filtered like my stepmom says crap to my husband but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like him. She’s just confrontational by nature. And my dad is socially awkward so a lot of people think he doesn’t like them. He’s not thinking anything bad, he’s just not overtly friendly. I think Melle has good advice, all you can do is be polite and cordial and don’t let it get to you.

Originally my FH’s mom and one of his sisters refused to attend the wedding so it’s hard to say that either of us have a great relationship with her. She’s since changed her tune but I don’t think she’s a good mom and she doesn’t like me much for the reasons you’ve mentioned (racial and religious differences). I wish things were different but they are what they are. I’m still polite, but we’ll never be close.

I learned it the hard way. Respecting someone who doesn’t respect me is very hurtful, and I disrespected myself for more than 2 decades for doing that. I decided 2 years ago to be happy, so I don’t want to deal with toxic people anymore. I blocked all my in laws for 2 years now, and I am much happier.

Unfortunately, not everyone will be close with their in-laws. Personalities just don't match and people have different priorities/beliefs about how to live life. As long as it doesn't bother your fiancé, I wouldn't worry about it.

Very because we de them all the time lol. We get along well but it’s not like we are all best of friends. Sometimes the girls invite me to their girl nights. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve done some things that have put me off but for the most part we are petty close. If someone wasn’t respectful to me, I would tell fiancé and he would have to talk to them....I wouldn’t want to be around negativity so often.

In the beginning of the relationship I thought of the relationship with my in laws as important, but once we became engaged their true colors came out & my husband has a rocky relationship with them anyway because they are rude, selfish, and opinionated. So we dont really talk to them and they live 5 minutes away. I decided that since they treat us poorly then distancing ourselves is our best option.

It really depends how important it is to your fiancé.



For example, I’m very close with my family so it was important to me that my husband is too. He so is. He and my brother started referring to each other as “my brother” when we got engaged (it was so cute 🥺) and hes called my mom “Momma” even before we got engaged lol. We live 5 mins from my mom/brother and 5 mins from my grandparents... I’m visit my mom’s house like 3-4 times a week, and visit my grandparents once a week. My husband comes with me like 99% of the time, and that’s super important to me. I mean, if he hung back more often than he does even, that would still be fine. But I’d need to be with someone who would be willing to spend a lot of time with my family, and would genuinely enjoy doing so!

As for his family, they live across the country from us so it just isn’t as relevant. My husband is estranged from his mom so clearly that isn’t important (my mother in law hates me too of course, but my husband’s reaction to that was “well she has pretty bad taste, so I think I’d be more concerned if she DIDNT hate you” lol). I get along well enough with his dad—we aren’t super close, but we’re close enough to talk on the phone sometimes and to enjoy each other’s company during visits. I’m VERY close with his grandma, which was important to him too. She helped raise him, and she’s the relative of his that he’s the closest to. I’ve called her “grandma” from the very beginning, I call her on the phone once a week, and she gave me her diamond ring which had originally been my husband’s great grandmother’s.

So basically, like I said, it’s really only as important as it is to you guys in particular. My husband and I are close with the relatives of each other’s that matter!

I always thought that I would have a good relationship with my in-laws. My FH and I lived with his parents early in our relationship initially to help us out then to help them. Living with them has shown me their true colors. Most things I don’t agree with and somethings I do. They don’t always seem to include me in things or make me feel as if I don’t matter. It’s always about my FH who is their only child. It seems like our relationship is more of acquaintances not family. I know it goes both ways and the times have tried to engage or be more family like, I get ignored or shot down. Mostly by his mother. Who I have heard her say that I’m not their family. I guess after nearly 10 years it is what it is.

In my first marriage, my MIL refused to speak English in front of me even though she spoke it well. She was odd and had a rough life but I was only cordial. My current FMIL is the only existing parent. Sometimes she try’s to parent me giving input when not asked but I ignore it. She’ll text me because her son is Notorious in not responding to text/calls. I’m respectful, kind but I will never be close. I have my family that I’m close with-some of-and besides, no one can ever take the place of my Mom. Don’t force it. Let it be what it is.

I'm Southern, and thus have been raised that you marry the family and not just the man. I am soooo lucky that while my FMIL does not share any of our beliefs, nor exactly approve of our lifestyle, she is an angel on earth that loves her son and through him she loves me. I am the only girl her eldest ever brought home to meet the fam, so I already had bonus brownie points, but I also turned on the charm and became a duck. We live four states away so it helps.

Point is, play nice until you have to completely shred the ties that bind. If that time comes then burn it to the ground and don't look back!

I've got the "bad" side of the family, so it's really all in how you look at it. You don't have to get along with everyone, and if they are rude to you, that rule doubly applies.

I'm very happy to have gotten along with my MIL for quite some time, and I'm getting closer to my FIL... though that may take some time.

It's an ideal to have everyone get along, but humans are humans. If you stay polite, mature, and keep a united front with your FH, then you're golden.

But it's critical that your FH stands with you. If your FSMIL is rude, then he needs to stand up for you and push back. And his father needs to know why.

I am very close with my parents, I'm an only child so for me being close with them is really the only way I know. My FH and my parents get along very well. We see them often since they only live 45 mins away from us. As far as my FIL goes, I guess you could say we are close. We get along well; they live about 4 hours away in a different state so we only see them every few months.

I really like my FH's aunts and uncles, but I have only met them once. They live in upstate NY and we live in Wisconsin. My FSIL, I don't know if she likes me or not. Honestly my FH and her don't get along too well. I always wanted to be close to my FSIL or whatever since I am an only child that has always been something I did want. But I don't think it will happen with my FSIL. Stupid only child syndrome lol. Either way what matters most to me is that my FH and parents get along; and that I get along with my FIL and his girlfriend.

It's not important go me if we're close or not. I dont get along with my FH'S older brother or his son (my FH'S nephew), they have disrespected me multiple times. If I happen to see them which only happens 1 to 4 times a year, I just smile and say hello. I don't hug them nor try to have a conversarion deeper than talking about the weather.
I get along with my FH'S parents but I still am not close with them and I'm alright with that. My FH'S mom showed absolutely zero interest in us getting married and has not once asked questions about the wedding. It hurt at first but I got over it. I know that I'm a good partner to my FH and I suspect his parents know this as well so they respect me. It's okay if one is not close to their in laws. As long as the couple sets up boundaries and everyone is cordial to eachother then it's fine.

Well, my FFIL died of cancer several years ago, and my FMIL attempted suicide a couple of times after that and now has pretty severe dementia, so I don't have much of a relationship with her. I have good relationships with my FBIL and my FH's cousin, so that's nice.

View Quoted Comment I don’t think they respect our relationship, but what can I do at this point? I make my FH happy and vice versa so that’s all that matters. I like to think maybe they’re unhappy in their marriage! Why else make someone feel bad?

View Quoted Comment We’ve never had a chance to form a relationship since his step-mother has judged me from day one! It’s alright at this point, I can’t change people, none of us can!

View Quoted Comment You’re absolutely right! After 7 years and no respect when I’ve done everything in my power to show respect. It’s been 2 years now since I’ve seen his father or step-mother in person, and we are inviting them to the wedding but who knows if they’ll come!

View Quoted Comment I had a similar issue in my first marriage as well. My MIL refused to speak English to me, and my ex’s family all lived with us and because he was the only son he was constantly babied. Ugh!
My FH’s mother passed away when he was a teenager, so this new woman has been around and he doesn’t care for her either. Guess that makes two of us!