How do you talk money with family?

I asked my mom and my fiancé asked his. Neither of us expected to get money and were fully planning on paying ourselves. My mom had given my sister money for her wedding and at the time she had mentioned she would give me the same amount for mine (to be fair/equal) but a lot has happened since then and FH is the oldest so it’s never come up for his family to pay/donate.

I just gave my mom a call and said “I have a question for you, and don’t feel pressured to give me the answer you think I want, were you considering giving FH and I money for the wedding, if not that’s totally okay! I just wanted to confirm as we’re setting our budget” and she said “yes”. FH just mentioned to his mom that my mom was donating she said “cool” and he didn’t press any further, we took that as a “no” essentially.

You know your families best. As long as you don’t present it as “how much are you guys giving us” I think it’s a valid question to ask/discuss if you present it in a respectful manner that won’t offend your families.

I would just talk to them about the wedding and how you are looking at venues and doing your budget. So then If they want to say hey we will pay them they can but dies not make them forced.

It should be up to FH to handle this one since it's his parents.
We didn't ask my mom, she said what she would contribute. And my SO asked her parents without any prompting. Of course there wasn't talk of money right away, it was when we started planning the wedding and already had an outline of a budget going.
Does their help change our budget? No. We are having the wedding we can afford. We haven't received or asked for a single dime offered to us yet.

But I personally do not think it's off limits to ask parents if they can or would be willing to help. I would not let it alter your budget much either way.

Um, no. This is not a conversation, period. If they offer, great. But this is not something you should be asking for.

Our parents both brought it up themselves after we started telling them we were researching venues, but if you haven't been engaged long and haven't started talking planning with them then they probably haven't thought to say anything yet either way.

Honestly this is tricky. We didn't ask either side for help but each side contributed. We kept our families in the loop for planning and each side came out of the woodwork to help. We had full intentions of paying for it ourselves. My family offered to pay for venues and mom came with to my dress appt and I fell in love and she put the down payment on my dress ( I had no intentions of buying a dress that day). My FMIL I have kept her in the loop with wedding planning, talking about wedding favors and flower arrangements and including her in dress shopping and what not and she has offered her assistance where she can (she bought a lot of my centerpieces when we went shopping together and she is paying for our transportation for the wedding and that was her decision. but we never asked for money. My fiance did talk to her about finances once a few months ago when we hit a snag after my sister passed away but never asked her to contribute.

FH asked his dad if there was anything they specifically wanted to contribute towards, and if not that's cool. His dad had not offered to pay for anything before this, we just kind of assumed he was waiting for us to ask. He said just send him the bill for something so when we booked our videographer, we asked him if that amount was something he was comfortable with or should be pick something else? He said that was great and sent the check in.

I think a lot of people want to say this is rude but it's 100% know your family. My grandparents offered to pay for the whole wedding and I told them no, I would ask my parents to contribute too. So I went to my dad and said "hey grandparents said they'll pay for everything but I don't want the burden totally on them, will you help some too?" and he gave me a $ amount he was willing to contribute. BUT I have that type of relationship with all these family members and we openly talk about money often.

EDIT: I truly think it would have hurt FFIL feelings if we didn't ask him to contribute too. He is that type that probably wouldn't offer but he has said repeatedly now that he's so glad to be involved and how it's no problem that he paid for the videographer. FH stepdad also said his feelings were hurt we didn't ask him to contribute (bc honestly he probably doesn't have much and I didn't want him to feel like it was required) so I told him I'd think of something he can pay for. He said that made him feel better. So again, know your family and act accordingly.

It's a no period unless they offer. Unless you're in some serious financial distress unrelated to the wedding, it's best not to ask.

I do understand where you may be coming from. And FH and I would have loved some help, we are still getting on our feet after moving to a new country but no one has offered so we made cuts to things that would be nice but aren't necessary.

Also, do not count on any promised money until the check clears your account. Lots of people have gotten badly burned by budgeting for promised funds that never materialized.

Plan the wedding you can afford. Don't ask for money. If people give you money, great. If not, you're having the wedding you can afford anyway.

Some people will tell you it's a total problem. Here's the thing, I know my family. I didn't ask them for money. I have asked them for specific things and they have offered to buy specific things.
I think your fiance needs to discuss this with his family. My fiance's family has told us to let them know if they can help us with anything. But I don't feel comfortable with asking them for anything. If my fiance decides to ask them to buy our cupcakes and they say yes, I'd be over the dang moon.

There is no way to ask anyone for money to pay for your wedding. If someone offers, great but if not, you should plan the wedding you can afford. If they paid for another son's wedding, it is possible that they will contribute to yours but you cannot expect it and should never ask for it.

You and your FH should start looking into your own finances and getting a budget together for a wedding you can afford. If they pitch in, you can add things then.

Hey Joy! I somewhat had the same issue. My fiance's family seemed well off and I knew they would probably contribute something but it was hard to bring anything up. I personally wanted my fiance (since it was his family) to talk to them about what they wanted to contribute. That being said, I think an over the phone conversation would be appropriate being they are far away.

I personally do not think there is anything wrong with asking your parents for money. The worst they can do is say no that they can't. As long as you ask them in a way that isn't like you are "expecting anything" or assuming, if they are his parents and good parents, they should be understanding about it all whether they can contribute or not. That is my personal opinion of course.

I would phrase it in a way that seems like you are trying to plan early and if they are interested in helping out at all, it would be best to find out sooner rather then later. (that's how you might be able to phrase it) For us, it was then that they realized they would give us some money they were planning to give us as a gift, early so we could then use it on the wedding finances. Hope this helps!

I suggest starting the conversation off going, "we're finalizing out budget, and I just wanted to check in with you first." Coming out of the conversation you need specific numbers and dates.

That being said, don't really expect that anyone will contribute, and be aware that something might happen where they have to back out. Until money is in your account - it's shouldn't be depended on.

In terms of politeness and etiquette, wedding or otherwise, it is never a good idea to ask people for money to pay for a wedding, birthday, anniversary, etc,. If they offer (like my parents did), or they ask, then you can bring up the subject and explain your situation. If someone has not offered or asked, then do not expect financial help with the wedding. A very old school tradition is that the groom's parents pay for the officiant and the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon, and the bride's parents pay for the ceremony and reception. Typically today the bride's parents pay for the ceremony and reception, and it's still traditional for the groom's parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner and the officiant. I live in the south, so it's possible that this is only practiced here

We went in knowing that my family wasn't going to pay for the whole wedding. In our minds we were paying for everything. My step-mom kept making jokes about asking my dad if I need help. I typically hate asking my dad for help, but her saying that I knew he would pay for something. I graduated college last month, my step-mom said my dad may be feeling generous. That was the day I asked him to pay for the caterer, he asked how many I told him, and he agreed. I don't think it's bad to ask your parents, the worse thing they can say is no. We went in thinking we would be paying for everything, asking my father took a huge burden off of out shoulders. I did not expect him to say yes, but am very grateful.

As far as asking my FH's family. I would never feel comfortable doing that. I feel like that would be up to my fiance to ask, and if they say yes that's fine. I have a great relationship with fiance's mother but I don't think I would ask especially knowing she doesn't have it.

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I agree. You know your family. My dad is the type that makes you ask for what you want. He has always been this way. He has never handed me anything, I always had to ask for what I wanted and it was either yes or no. I figured I would ask, I don't think it's a big deal.

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This!

Most of the articles I read regarding setting your budget included the step of having this conversation with your families. It's literally the first step in these articles:

https://www.herecomestheguide.com/wedding-party-ideas/detail/6-simple-steps-to-setting-a-wedding-budget

https://www.brides.com/story/5-steps-to-wedding-budget

https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-budget-101-establishing-your-budget

We had some very simple conversations when we started budgeting to see who was contributing and how much/what they would be covering. "We're starting to figure out our budget for the wedding. Just so we can make sure we are taking everything into consideration, we wanted to check with you on if you planned on contributing. If not, that's totally fine!" For example, my parents decided they wanted to pay for the venue and cover part of the bar (we wanted to host beer and wine for our budget, my folks decided to cover any liquor so we could have a full open bar). My FH's mom has just been giving us some money to apply to whatever we want.

The conversation is important. It can be awkward, yes, but it's actually an important part of determining your budget. If you can have the talk in person, great, but if not it's fine to do it over the phone. You can do it separately if that makes you more comfortable (you talk to your family and he talk to his).

This is a hard one but TBH whether they are well off or not it is their decision and they will offer if they want to help..

I didn't even ask my own parents to help pay for our wedding.. they ended up offering to pay for catering. his didn't but I'd never ask.