How do I tell my mother I don't want her at my wedding?

Does your mom understand you feel this way? That you'd actually not invite her to your wedding? Sounds like she needs help, and a serious reality check about where things stand between her and her daughter.

If she's hellbent on being there it doesn't matter where you get married. If you need to guarantee she isn't, hire security or elope.

Totally depends on your relationship. You do understand you can be completely ruining any chance for you and your mother to have a good relationship right? If she's alcohol dependent, something like this can probably make matters worse for her. Are you not inviting because your father is paying? Every family has drama and bullshit we have to deal with, but I'm sorry, I don't agree with you banning your mother from your wedding unless there is way more to the story. Also, if you don't have a date or venue, this should be the least of your worries.

Ummmm coming from someone who has dealt an alcoholic father, I'm gonna have to disagree with pp about it not being a good enough reason. If she makes you and your loved ones feel unsafe because she's been hostile or violent is definitely good enough reason. Alcoholism is unpredictable. My dad can be the most docile person until he is slightly provoked (ie a wrong look, a snicker, a person he forgot he was mad at, the wind blowing) and he can be set off. A wedding invite isn't mandatory for a person because they share genetics. OP if her behavior is a concern and in a normal situation you'd want her there, I'd suggest talking to her. Tell her flat out you want her there but sober and not attacking your guests. If she can't abide I'd hope you all would try to help her seek help. It is a disease, if it's alcoholism. Either way, I'd completely understand your inclination to not invite her.

I disagree with Nikol in a sense. while it may make things worse for your mom it's also not your responsibility to enable her to treat you and your family that way in fear of her reaction. Have a conversation with her now about how seriously this is effecting your relationship to help her see that this WILL have serious consequences between you two if she doesn't fix it. This gives her the opertunity to fix it or gives you something to justify to her why she has made herself unwelcome. Even though she is family, she doesn't have the right to act out with hostility to the rest of your family and you are not obligated to tolerate it either. It's hard to stand your ground against family though, so if you do end up not inviting her make sure you stick to your guns with it.

Alcoholism or alcohol dependence is one thing. Violence and outright hostility is another. There are very few things I think anyone is "entitled" to, but being safe is definitely one of those things. That goes for you, FH, your dad and your stepmom. You need to protect yourself first, and worry about your mom after that.

I have brought up her alcoholism before, but she doesn't think she has a problem, even though her father was an alcoholic and my brother has become alcoholic. Shes even claimed my dad, who I've seen drink maybe seven or eight times, is a raging alcoholic. Unfortunately I don't think she will change.

Even if I have a dry wedding, I'm concerned she will lash out from withdrawal, or just because she hates my dad and step mom that much.

I completely agree that if she's hostile or is known to go off, then you have every right to not include her. It seems as if your father is paying and requesting for your mother not to be there. At least that's what I gather from your post, and I could totally be wrong. Imagine being in your mothers shoes...and in no way was I trying to say you have to invite her because she's your mother. If she will cause problems and will be hostile with anyone, I wouldn't risk having her there. I have divorced parents that absolutely hate each other. My mom has a pill addiction, and is somewhat hostile and loud at times. I've talked to her, and let her know I won't put up with her shit. My dad and step mom don't want anything to do with her, and I made sure she knew that so she didn't try to sit with them (I'll have a seating chart anyways) because I never know what she's going to do or how she will act. If my dad was paying for my wedding and asked for my mother not to be present, I'd tell him thanks but no thanks.

My FH is a recovering alcoholic, 8 years sober. His father is an alcoholic. You can't force anyone to get help, they have to seek it for themselves or it simply will not work. FH has tried for YEARS to get his dad to go to a meeting with him, just as a guest, to see how they have been able to help him obtain and maintain his sobriety, even through some of the hardest shit most people never have to deal with (like having his mom die two weeks before the end of his year-long deployment). FFIL refuses to even go as a guest. He's not ready to admit he has a problem yet. Dry wedding won't make her not drink, she will just bring her own if she wants to, and there is very little you can do to stop it if she is there, dry wedding or not.

You don't need to invite hostility to your wedding, regardless of who it is, especially since the words "lash out" were just in your post.

ETA words are hard

If nothing else, I want to plan a wedding where she can attend if she can manage to make it, but likely won't due to work or money. I already have a rocky relationship with her because I moved out on my own before she was ready for me to (not that I couldn't support myself or make my own ends meet, she just didn't want to think I've grown up enough to survive without her input on every step of my life). She also says my boyfriend, who used to have a drinking problem but the emotional and physical issues that were associated with it have since left (a la Hank Williams "my drinking problem left today"), she drinks 4-5, up to 8 glasses of wine every single night. And when I have two drinks she's concerned I have a problem, or he has a problem. It's gotten to a point where every time we go over to her house, she buys alcohol just to have us drink it, then berates us for drinking.

That's projection, hun. She is projecting her own reality onto others.

It sucks, but until she is ready to get help, the only thing you have to do is control you, since you can't control her, or her drinking.

Caitlyn, I have considered that, having separate receptions. I don't know if we will have the money to book two receptions when it comes time. But the timing would become an issue. If I have the reception with my dad first, she will probably think I don't love her as much as him, and refuse to go. If I have hers first, she will be pissed that I'm having a second one without her. My dad would probably agree to separate the reception, but the eloping is where I think it gets hairy, especially since I've always envisioned a grandiose ceremony.

Nikol, my dad only plans to pay if my bf and I elope. At least, that's what he's specifically said.

I'm facing about the same issue...My dad is mean and bossy like my mom..wasn't sure if my mom would act accordingly so I invited her to my bridal dress showing with my MOH it went great. Now I have to decide if I should invite my dad who aggregates my mom...

On the dry wedding, my FFIL is AA, almost 10 years sober. I could go for the dry wedding out of respect for him, and then I could boot my mom if she brings booze, but the bigger concern I have is the ceremony itself.

If they can be civil, I want to include both my mom and step mom as MotB because they've both been influential and mother figures to me. But I know my mom hates my step mom and will likely try to cause a scene that way, and my step mom will only defend herself if necessary. So I'm stuck in that situation as well. My step mom has been part of my life as long as I can remember, since my folks divorced while I was in diapers. While we've had our differences, and while I've called her a b*tch on far more than one occasion, I have come to realize that everything she's done for me before she and my dad married, has been in my and my brothers best interests. Even if we didn't see it at times.

Also, my step brother and step niece, who I would want as the flower girl, are in Colorado Springs, so it would be convenient for the smallest member of the bridal party, and in a gorgeous place that I've fallen in love with even though I was only there for a week.

I completely understand Megan. This is tough. Are you able to possible sit down and talk to her about what you want? I know it's hard to do, but maybe you can get her to see what you're facing? I just know that if I didn't include my mom she would be hurt beyond repair.

I don't suggest planning your entire wedding around your mother. If you want a DW or an elopement in Colorado Springs, that sounds beautiful. I love CS! But if you want a huge wedding near all your friends and family, do that. Please don't let your mother be the deciding factor.

I'm not sure how to talk to her about it, to be honest. I have talked to her regarding her drinking, but if I brought up that she needs to not be so rude to my step mom when they meet, I'm worried she will think I like my stepmom more than herself. I would probably have to meet her at a cafe or restaurant so its public, and she can't get irate out loud about it. But other than that, I don't even know what I would say.

This sounds like something that may be helped by you going to a therapist. They can help you sort out boundaries and help you figure out how to make your ideal wedding happen.

If she is getting violent and making you uncomfortable then no.

If you're actively planning a wedding, I would consider you engaged.

Since you presumably have a while before the actual wedding, I would work on addressing these issues with her directly, and not planning your wedding completely around your mother's behavior. You have no idea what all could change in the next few years. Address the issues with your mom, plan your wedding, they don't have to impact each other. Good luck.