How do I tell a close friend she can't be a bridesmaid?

I think you should put the ball in her court. If she would have been invited to be a bridesmaid if finances were never an issue, you should still definitely invite her - but make it very clear that you would need her to pay for ALL of her stuff. That way SHE can gracefully decline your invitation, and no feelings will be hurt. On the other hand, if she even slightly gets the idea that you didn't invite her just because of her financial situation, that could destroy your friendship forever. (I know I for a fact would look at my friend differently if she did that to me.) I totally understand being realistic, but why would you make that judgement yourself? You don't know the whole story. She does.

I had a bridesmaid (a very special friend of mine) for whom finances were an issue, but I still invited her to be a bridesmaid and after 2 days of "thinking about it" she declined - but she was still very thankful for being invited. We also had one groomsman who we were absolutely sure would not be able to pay for his rented tux, and we even budgeted to pay it ourselves so that he could be in our wedding, but in the end he came through and paid it himself (he was able to scrape together cash and save money to pay it himself).

E=mc2 - It's not all about money. I have more close friends than FH and he's very set on us each only having 5 people due to our changed budget from all my surgeries, medical bills and on going medical costs for this year. We are scaling things back from what we were planning to do, and this was part of his request to scale down. I don't mean this to be rude to anyone, but It is standard among my family and friends to get professional hair and makeup for every wedding, and is expected of BMs. It's also common to get your makeup done even to attend a wedding, however, that is not required.

I know she really wants to be in it, and I think that she is assuming that she will be in it. That's why I'm asking for help. I had already picked my MOH and two closest cousins to be in my wedding because we've always promised we would be in each others weddings. Now that we are scaling down, I was thinking of picking from a hat of the other ladies to be a BM and the others to take part in the wedding just not a BM in an attempt to be fair. I have lots of sorority sisters, and this is also common when having to set a limit. It will be a unique ceremony, so the other special roles won't be pity roles at all.

She came to me upset about her finances and already not being able to pay for the wedding after mine that she has already accepted the role. As a friend, I didn't want to make her feel worse to accept being a BM for me when my dresses need to be ordered in the next 3-4 weeks, which is the same time the other girl wants her to pay for her BM dress.

I wrote this in the moment and maybe I should have stated that I have more friends than I can have as BM but I want them all to have a special part/role. I want to do what's best for her and not ask her to pay for things that she previously told me she can't do - because I feel that that would be rude of me and worried that it would make her feel obligated even if I said that she wasn't.

"It is standard among my family and friends to get professional hair and makeup for every wedding, and is expected of BMs." That is fine but YOU have to pay for it. You don't force other people to pay for hair and makeup that probably isn't even their style. If you want to have them look a certain way then YOU pay for it.

Anyways, even with this last update to this, you are still making it about her finances. Yes, she came to you saying that she can't afford the other wedding. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask. Maybe she just wants to be asked so that she knows she means a lot to you and you want her to participate. If she really is a close friend and you feel like she would be in the wedding party, her feelings will be hurt if she's not even asked. She can and will decline if she knows she cannot afford it. If she cannot be a BM or you don't want her to be, she can be a reader, usher, greeter, etc. There's lots of roles in a wedding that won't require her to purchase a special dress.

You are my friend. I love you and cannot imagine my wedding without you there. I also don't want my wedding to be an unnecessary source of stress for you. So, would you do me the honor of being a ___ (reader, usher, special guest)...

I went thru this same conversation with a friend that was in the middle of a messy marriage problem (and then divorce craziness). It turned out pretty well.

You're considering picking from a hat to determine who your bridesmaids are?? Eesh, that super rubs me the wrong way. Being a BM isn't like winning some lottery. It's supposed to be a position of honor for your absolutely dearest friends and family. The people who you couldn't stand to get married if they weren't standing beside you.

Why not just have your MOH and your two closest cousins and call it a day? That would be really easy to explain to all the rest of your close friends--you picked your closest friend (I'm assuming) as MOH, and two cousins, and you didn't want to pick among the rest of your friends.

I actually went through this myself with a childhood friend! I didn't want to ask her to be in the wedding part because her financial situation wasn't so great, but FH said "you have to that's your friend" well long story short she was apart of the bridal party until it came time to dress shop! Someone told me long time ago "you will know who's serious about being apart of the wedding when it's time to shop for dresses" and it was very much true! She end up being the one always late or the one that wanted to put off buying a dress because she didn't have the money or even not showing up to look at dresses. It got to the point I couldn't deal with it any longer and explained to her that the FH and I feel it's in our best interest that she just attend the wedding as a guest and not apart of the bridal party.