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Andrea
Savvy July 2021

How do i approach this?

Andrea, on April 15, 2021 at 5:39 PM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 34

HELP! So my MOH dropped a bomb on me last month. She tells me via text that she is about four months pregnant and her due date is about two weeks after my wedding. At the time I didn't fully understand the ramifications of this. However, now I'm wondering how I'm going to tell her that it would be...

HELP!

So my MOH dropped a bomb on me last month. She tells me via text that she is about four months pregnant and her due date is about two weeks after my wedding. At the time I didn't fully understand the ramifications of this. However, now I'm wondering how I'm going to tell her that it would be in her best interest to just be a guest if she actually makes it to the wedding day without giving birth. My mom tells me not to say anything yet and let my MOH come to that realization on her own. My mom also tells me that if I say something now my MOH will have a complete meltdown and fallout with me. WHAT DO I DO? My wedding is in July! Should I wait until May or June to say something to her? She's not doing a good job as MOH and I really think its because of the pregnancy. Now she wants to keep the bachelorette party local and now I think it's because she knew she was pregnant and couldn't travel. OMG this is crazy...

34 Comments

  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    Wait... why can't she be in your wedding just because she is pregnant? If she is not in labor, just gave birth, or on bed rest, there is no reason why she can not still be your MOH. If I was your pregnant MOH and you asked me to not be in your wedding simply because I was pregnant, that would be the end of our friendship.

    Also, you said she is doing a bad job? Your wedding has not even happened yet, so I am not sure how that is possible. The MOH's job is to show up to your wedding with the selected dress and stand next to you during your ceremony.

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  • Heather
    Super November 2021
    Heather ·
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    I suggest having an open and honest conversation coming from both sides. Ask her what she thinks of the wedding NOW. That way you can see where her head is at. And you also need to let her know what you could be expecting from her. Don't assume that she may know what is expected because her expectations could be different from yours.

    Good luck hun! I'm hoping that the two of you can come up with a compromise so that everything runs smoothly on both ends Smiley smile

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  • A
    Savvy May 2021
    Alison ·
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    Well based on everything I've read, she's probably asking you all these questions because you clearly have specific ideas on what you want. You're giving her Pinterest boards for what to do, but then when she dares to ask you for help you get annoyed? Who knows best what you want than you.

    It seems like she's doing everything that she needs to do. I never understand the idea that becoming a MOH means that you have to drop everything for the wedding. All she needs to do is be present on the wedding day.

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  • Andrea
    Savvy July 2021
    Andrea ·
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    Https://pin.it/68yzO4w
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    So my husband and I legally married last year on our original date due to Covid and postponed our wedding celebration to this year. My MOH, who was to be my only bridesmaid, got pregnant and her due date is one week before our event. She is nearly always in toxic, dysfunctional relationships and she and her boyfriend were going to break up just last year, they cannot even afford to support themselves (his mom pays a chunk of their rent) and the baby wasn't planned. When initially she told me she was pregnant (very early on) I knew she would be due close to our wedding; when she found out the due date she didn't even acknowledge that it would impact our wedding at all or that she wouldn't be able to come (she lives in a different state about 4 hours away). It is very difficult to know she won't be at my wedding, anticipate that this poor kid is going to grow up in a home where people are constantly screaming at one another, and somehow try to be a friend and be supportive to her. Because she was my only bridesmaid, I'm now left without anyone to get ready with me, help me with my dress, stand by my side, or do bridesmaids photos with.

    I feel like you should absolutely address the situation with your MOH. The baby is going to be her priority (rightfully so) and there is a very good chance she won't be at your wedding. Your conversation should focus on how amazing it is that she is going to have a baby and what a big deal that is (and that you are excited for her, if you are). You should mention that the due date is so close to your wedding and you want her to be able to focus on what is most important, and discuss whether its realistic for her to plan to be at your wedding at all, or be in a place where she can stand by your side and support you on that day. Do not in any way mention her sub-par performance as your MOH. She very well may appreciate the conversation and the opportunity to express if she has any concerns about being in your wedding, she may have assumed you knew she was out of the wedding the moment she told you she was pregnant, or she may really still want to be involved. If she says she still wants to be with you on that day I would absolutely plan as if she will be, but also have a ready-to-go back-up plan in case she is not there at all, and also figure out how you are going to account for a newborn there. Make sure other people know how to do your bustle, what your wedding plan is, etc. Ignoring the situation isn't going to resolve anything, so it's best to just have the conversation early and frame it in a way where you want to be supportive of your friends needs.

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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    Lists of MOH "duties" are bull.

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  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
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    LOL that "list of duties" isn't real. That's a random Pinterest thing! The MOH's duties are to purchase and show up in the attire you agree upon and be a supportive friend to you on the day of your wedding. It's an honorary role, hence the title. Sometimes the MOH chooses to plan parties for you, but that's never required. When you say she's not doing a good "job," that's kind of BS, because being MOH isn't a "job." If you want someone do work for you and help you plan, you'd need to hire a vendor for that....Well, anyway, good luck! I hope you're happy for your friend that she's pregant

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  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
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    Eh. People are being hard on you. If you're in a wedding party you should expect to get a dress, plan a bach, plan a shower, and help the bride with stuff wedding weekend. If that's too much then you shouldn't be in the wedding imo. Your friend should acknowledge that her pregnancy may affect her performance as MOH given the proximity to her due date. She can still plan the bach and shower, though. Have a conversation with her.
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  • Theresa
    Just Said Yes April 2021
    Theresa ·
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    Yeah I think if you want someone to act like your employee you should hire one of those bridesmaids-for-hire. Otherwise you can only expect them to buy the dress and show up on the day

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  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    It's sad to me that this list is out there because it is very detached from reality. MOH isn't a job, it's an honor. We as brides need to stop treating our friends as unpaid wedding/party planners. They aren't.

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  • MrsMcK
    VIP September 2017
    MrsMcK ·
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    I feel really bad for your friend. You should be happy for her, not concerned about her not being able to fulfill fake “duties”.
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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    So I don't agree completely with this list, but I do think there are MOH duties that go beyond buying a dress and showing up. Planning meetings with the bride is a bit excessive, but things like holding the brides bouquet, bustling her dress, providing day-of emotional support, and giving a speech at the wedding are definitely on the table. It is traditional for the MOH to plan or help plan a shower and/or bachelorette as well (which is often expensive and time consuming), but absolutely not required, and I think brides who expect this from their MOH should be upfront about it from the beginning.

    Every bride, bridesmaid, and relationship is a bit different so I do think it's important to lay out expectations early on, before anyone accepts roles in your wedding. Some brides go with "buy a dress and show up" and other brides want their wedding party members to be a little more involved. Even the "buy a dress and show up" can range from a bride requesting a very specific expensive dress that fits horribly and is the most unflattering color to the MOH/bridesmaids having a ton of choice and being able to inexpensively buy something they love that works with the wedding's aesthetic. I believe its okay for a bride to expect a bit more out of the members of her wedding party as long as the bride is transparent about what her needs/wants are from the beginning, and the things requested are reasonable. It is never appropriate to expect anyone to revolve their lives around your wedding or make your wedding their top priority, but you should be able to text your bridesmaids for their opinion on your wedding shoes, for example, and not be met with scorn.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Pinterest as a company exists to create a market so people will spend more on goods and services. What they say, every one of them, can be prefaced: if you want maximum spending, do this. But they have nothing to do with traditional roles or responsibilities.
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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    YES. THIS!!!
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