We're here to help you keep moving forward, no matter what your plans are.

Andrea
Savvy July 2021

How do i approach this?

Andrea, on April 15, 2021 at 5:39 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 34
Saved Save
Reply

HELP!

So my MOH dropped a bomb on me last month. She tells me via text that she is about four months pregnant and her due date is about two weeks after my wedding. At the time I didn't fully understand the ramifications of this. However, now I'm wondering how I'm going to tell her that it would be in her best interest to just be a guest if she actually makes it to the wedding day without giving birth. My mom tells me not to say anything yet and let my MOH come to that realization on her own. My mom also tells me that if I say something now my MOH will have a complete meltdown and fallout with me. WHAT DO I DO? My wedding is in July! Should I wait until May or June to say something to her? She's not doing a good job as MOH and I really think its because of the pregnancy. Now she wants to keep the bachelorette party local and now I think it's because she knew she was pregnant and couldn't travel. OMG this is crazy...

34 Comments

Latest activity by Ava, on April 18, 2021 at 10:58 PM
  • Samantha
    Super October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    Is your mom a reliable narrator here? Do you think she has an accurate read on your MOH?
    Can you ask your MOH what she would feel more comfortable with, and go with that?
    As well as make room for flexibility - if she has to drop out at the last minute, determine what the result will be. Is it just that she won’t stand in the ceremony? Are there are things that would adversely affect your wedding? That sort of thing.
    • Reply
  • Andrea
    Savvy July 2021
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I think my mom is right in part. I think that my MOH will not have a good reaction to her stepping down...but I’ll never know if I don’t talk to her. I don’t want a very pregnant woman having to stand up and do anything. I’d rather her be a guest and that’s only if she doesn’t give birth by the wedding date.
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Super October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    See what your MOH says, approach it from a place of concern - “This is big news, I want to make sure your are comfortable with the wedding and planning. How do you feel about the wedding now?”
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
    • Flag
    Either she’s way more than 4 months pregnant or her due date is months after your wedding. It can’t be both or she’d be giving birth at 7-8 months pregnant.


    “She’s not doing a good job as MOH”. It sounds like she is throwing you a bachelorette party and attending your wedding. What else would you like her to do? MOH is the title given to honor the closest relationship you have. If she’s your closest friend, she should remain your MOH unless she feels it’s best to back out.
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this! Rather than asking her to step down and attend as a guest, you could instead ask your MOH what her thoughts are and if she feels comfortable still participating in the wedding as your MOH. That way, she can choose to step down if she prefers, or if she still wants to be in the wedding, she'll tell you that.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    Let it go. Really her only responsibility is to show up on the day of to support you and have fun. What do you feel she needs to do beyond that months ahead of time? Local bachelorette parties are normal and common since they are the ones paying. Many people would rather be guests most of the time instead of attendants but since you have already asked her to be maid of honor, you can't ask her to step down without ending the friendship.

    Also, due dates are rarely on time

    • Reply
  • Ava
    Super May 2022
    Ava ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with your mother, I wouldn’t ask her to step down as MOH. The reason you gave her that title is because she is your closest friend and very important to you. Being pregnant doesn’t change that. Also, the only “duties” she has as MOH is to stand next to you at your wedding in a dress you have approved of. I would let her determine whether she feels able to do that or not. I think it would be ok if you kindly told her that you hope she will be able to stand with you, but if at any point she feels like it’s too much with the pregnancy, you’ll completely understand.
    • Reply
  • Melissa
    Savvy September 2021
    Melissa ·
    • Flag

    This is more her decision than yours. And by that I mean you risk damaging your friendship by doing that. You can check in with her on her comfort level and let her decide. But if she is due after that wedding (even two weeks) she can still in theory attend. It would be really damaging to your friendship. If I was your MOH I would be quite upset. In regards to the bachelorette, if that is already planned and paid for then I would remind her of that. If it's not paid for already, maybe see if someone else or yourself can plan it if she's not comfortable with travel.

    • Reply
  • Melissa
    Savvy September 2021
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I had that thought too (in regards to due dates being on time). If it is her first or second pregnancy also factors into that as well. So it's not something that can be predicted well

    • Reply
  • Andrea
    Savvy July 2021
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This will be her 3rd pregnancy and the first two she gave birth 1-2 weeks prior to the due date. My wedding is about 2 weeks prior.
    • Reply
  • Andrea
    Savvy July 2021
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    As far as the bachelorette party goes it’s being planned now but my moh is adamant about it being local (so she can attend maybe). She will be 8 months along by then.
    • Reply
  • Melissa
    Savvy September 2021
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    In regards to your two replies. I stand by what I initially said. Even if she has a history of having the baby early. It would be a strain on your friendship for sure. You can ask her if she is comfortable being in the wedding still. But saying that she should step down is going to be really hurtful.

    As for the bachelorette, who is paying for it? Everyone involved and paying should have a say in this not just her. If she can't and won't travel, you and she just have to be okay with her not attending. This will be a major bummer but depending on the length of travel, 8 months pregnant is a lot

    • Reply
  • Andrea
    Savvy July 2021
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I was made aware that she was pregnant ( last month) when she knew the gender of the baby. I believe that’s at least 4 months. Her due date is July 29 which is about 2 weeks after my wedding (July 11). She’s always given birth 1-2 weeks prior to the due date.


    She’s asking me things about the shower that she should be talking to the other bridesmaids about. I appreciate her wanting to make sure I have a good time but there are things I’ve asked her to present to the ladies and she just doesn’t. When she does talk to the other bridesmaids, she tells them how much they should be spending on the shower without knowing what’s needed for the shower or what each lady can afford. My mother hates her at this point and one bridesmaid won’t speak to her.
    She only mentioned what date she wanted to have the bachelorette party (June-she’ll be 8 months along) and that it MUST be local. I’ve put someone else in charge of planning it.
    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    I think you're hugely overreacting. She's offering to help throw you parties, She's actively trying to plan things for you. She doesn't have to do any of those things. And you want to kick her out because it's not exactly what you want and she had the audacity to get pregnant and possibly give birth around your wedding date?

    First, tell her congratulations if you haven't then tell her you really hope she can make it to everything because you love her and want to celebrate with her. If she ends up not being able to make it to your wedding day because she gave birth, then she doesn't make it. This is not a crisis.

    • Reply
  • Andrea
    Savvy July 2021
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    First of all I told her all of that the moment I found out. Second of all she could’ve told me she was pregnant when she told everyone else. I’ve been engaged for 2yrs and we’ve been friends for 20 yrs and two other pregnancies. She could’ve told me. Thirdly, I never had any issues with her EVER until I have to talk to her about how she speaks to others. How would you feel is someone you don’t know starts telling you “I’m the matron of honor and I should know about everything. By the way I need each of you to drop $200 or more on this shower” and this person speaking to you hasn’t even figured out how much the shower will cost, or even spoken to the other bridesmaids about what each of them can afford. I know she’s not that creative like me so to help her I made a Pinterest board for her and my mom but every time it’s time to make a decision about the shower she’s contacting me. Not my mom, not the other bridesmaids, me. My shower is the end of this month and I still have bridesmaids who have no idea what’s going on because no one has reached out to them and she just now made progress on the menu and that was after she’d waited for weeks for a chef to give her a quote. When I realized what was going on I stepped in and hired someone to take over. They gave me quote on catering and my moh asked me to get the quote ASAP because “she’d been waiting”. Then when I got the quote she still asked me which one I wanted. I understand it’s my shower but if I shouldn’t have to come in and plan it or take over the planning. I’ve shown her what I want every time she’s asked. So why does she still ask? Why does she not communicate with the other bridesmaids especially when I ask her to? In two decades we’ve never had any issues but now I can’t say that. I’ve never heard her talk down to people in such a manner...EVER! I honestly think it’s the stress of the pregnancy.
    • Reply
  • Vicky
    Super January 2020
    Vicky Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    So? What's wrong with a local bachelorette?

    • Reply
  • P
    Savvy April 2023
    Peyton ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like there is a lot of frustration and lack of communication. Would one of the other bridesmaids be willing to help more? Maybe have a maid of honor and a matron of honor. I would hate to see your friendship dissolve over these pre wedding festivities and a few hundred dollars. There is too much pressure to have everything just perfect. Your wedding is one day. Are your shower and b. party and wedding worth sacrificing a decade’s long friendship?

    • Reply
  • Chantelle
    Devoted October 2021
    Chantelle ·
    • Flag
    I think you are overreacting. It is not abnormal to wait four months or more to tell people about your pregnancy (even best friends, it’s none of your business when people choose to tell you). Many many many people wait until after the first trimester and then some more due to the pregnancy being more viable at that point. Also the bachelorette stuff and the shower, just let her be. Those pre wedding events are completely optional and no one is required to do anything. Maybe just advice her to watch her tone about people’s money/contributions, but other than that, you get what you get in this situation. Just be grateful that someone is putting in work for you.
    • Reply
  • Andrea
    Savvy July 2021
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I think I’m no overreacting and I think I know what I’m going to do. This is what you get when you ask outside advice. I know my friend and I know how she operates. I’ve literally been through a war with this woman. I know it’s her business about the pregnancy! You don’t know us though. You don’t know how we communicate and roll as friends. I understand the pre wedding events are optional but folks agreed on them and paid for things already. I just want everyone to remain civil with each other. I had to step in because the things my moh was saying to both my mother and the other bridesmaids was VERY disrespectful. I’ve already spoken to her but the behavior continues. I really think it’s the pregnancy because she’s never been like that in over 20 years. At this point I don’t want any pre wedding festivities because folks are ready to cause harm to this woman. I just wanna keep the peace. I’m done asking advice on this subject. I already know what to do.
    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Expert June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag
    The only job of the MOH is to buy the dress and show up on the day and maybe prep a speech, so I'm confused as to how she could be doing a bad job?
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics