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Expert March 2021

How did you handle even sides?

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Marcia, on July 28, 2020 at 10:55 PM

As I shared in previous posts, FH and I decided to make our wedding family only. FMIL has now pointed out that I have a larger family and demanded that she get to invite friends to "even out" the sides. She said she will pay for their plates. FH and I drew the line at family so as to keep the list as small and uncomplicated as possible, but now FH agrees with his mom that it's rude for me to have a bigger side. I don't feel comfortable extending our list, and I also think if we expand the list too much some members of our families may feel uncomfortable attending because of covid (they have said as much). This is just really driving me crazy. Any advice?

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25 Comments

VIP January 2019
Maggie · on July 29, 2020 at 12:58 PM
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ALL of this. Especially the bit about communicating and working WITH your future spouse and leaving his mother out of these kinds of conversations.
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Master October 2022
Jana · on July 29, 2020 at 1:36 PM
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Your sides don't sound that uneven. Cut out the obligated guests and just invite those you absolutely want in attendance.
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Dedicated April 2022
Tracy · on July 29, 2020 at 4:27 PM
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The Vast majority of my family is stuck on the west coast (and unable to come to the wedding), and my 'friends' part of the guest list is compromised of immunocompromised people or 'replacement grandparents' I'd 'adopted' over the years. Maybe three people will be showing for my "side", and around 11 for his (almost exclusively family), but I truly love his family. They're pragmatic, stubborn, often brutally honest, funny as hell, and fiercely intelligent. They've taken me and my children in with open hearts and arms, with incredibly little judgement. They're a crazy bunch who would take in the world for us.
The best thing about family (both the one you're marrying into AND your own), is that they're your Family. The worst thing about family is that they're Your Family. 😏 It shouldn't be so much about sides, as about being able to appreciate that you both have family who wants to share in your joy, and maybe you'll get an extra gift or two to help start your lives off. Hey, if MIL wants to help pay for extras, that helps, too.
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Expert August 2020
Heather · on July 29, 2020 at 8:57 PM
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I think that’s ridiculous. My fiancé and I both invited the family that we have; I have a little more extended family that I am close with then him. Now his extended family from California cancelled due to COVID - his mom may invite friends to try to fill the seats since we’re paying for 60 seats, but we’re not sitting here thinking it’s rude that more of my family is coming than his. The people that want to be there, will be there. It’s not about who has more on their side - what matters is the two of you getting married!
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Dedicated October 2021
Katie · on August 11, 2020 at 8:51 AM
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Ha 8 people is far from unfairly uneven... I come from a big Irish family and my family list is 50 people and I had to cut it to that... FH's family list is 30 which is a big gap but that's not really an issue. Marriage is about two families becoming one so I see both sides as my family. Additionally we have a lot of friends on the list. I think PPs are right that giving in now sets a precedent but I wouldn't really argue that point with FH if I was you. It can come off as a wife vs mom issue. For me the bigger issue is that you decided on family only which I assume means you didn't get to invite your friends and it's your wedding. If your friends can't come then sorry but your FMILs friends can't come either. I realized this post is a couple weeks old.. hope it all works out
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