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Expert March 2021

How did you handle even sides?

Marcia, on July 28, 2020 at 10:55 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 25

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As I shared in previous posts, FH and I decided to make our wedding family only. FMIL has now pointed out that I have a larger family and demanded that she get to invite friends to "even out" the sides. She said she will pay for their plates. FH and I drew the line at family so as to keep the list as small and uncomplicated as possible, but now FH agrees with his mom that it's rude for me to have a bigger side. I don't feel comfortable extending our list, and I also think if we expand the list too much some members of our families may feel uncomfortable attending because of covid (they have said as much). This is just really driving me crazy. Any advice?

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Latest activity by Katie, on August 11, 2020 at 8:51 AM

Expert May 2021
Michelle · on July 28, 2020 at 11:09 PM
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Without knowing everything, I immediately want to think you both should get a fairly even guest list. Having said that if it would result in cutting family members, due to covid, just to allow non family member guests, then absolutely not. How uneven are we talking here? And how many extra people do they want to add? Are there restrictions due to covid? Sounds like a tough situation.
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 28, 2020 at 11:14 PM
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Yes so right now we are at 74 with family only and we are allowed to have 100. Of those, I have 41 (lots of cousins that I'm obligated to invite but who likely won't come) and he has 33. So they would want around 8 more, which would keep us below the limit as it is now
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Expert May 2021
Michelle · on July 28, 2020 at 11:22 PM
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Hmm I don’t really think that is too uneven. I do see their side of it. I would be ok if they were close family friends, almost like family. But I think it could be perceived by Some of the other friends like they didn’t make the cut, ya know. And where do you draw the line. I wouldn’t be happy about it but I think I would allow a couple more guests on his side, as long as they were “like family”
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 28, 2020 at 11:26 PM
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Yeah I've been trying to avoid perceptions of favoritism because I have very close family friends (I lived with them a year and they have been friends with my family since my grandparents left Greece is the 70s). My parents closest friends who we spent holidays with also didn't make the cut. Maybe they could pick people who will appear to be family.
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Expert May 2021
Michelle · on July 28, 2020 at 11:30 PM
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I totally understand where you are coming from. Maybe you can sneak a couple people in without it being a problem. I think it would be unreasonable for them to request adding 8 people to make it perfectly even, but a couple seems achievable ☺️ Good luck!
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on July 28, 2020 at 11:50 PM
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41 vs 33 is not really all that uneven, and I think your FMIL is being unreasonable. Stick to your guns with this one!
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 29, 2020 at 12:38 AM
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That’s ridiculous. First, there’s not that much difference between your guest lists. Second, most weddings are lopsided but it’s not a big deal, everyone is there to support the couple. I also say stick to your guns.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 29, 2020 at 12:39 AM
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And stop sharing details with your FMIL if she doesn’t behave.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on July 29, 2020 at 12:45 AM
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How ridiculous! I can't believe they actually think its 'rude' you have more people on your side? What do you even say to that?! 'sorry my family pro-created more than yours'?
8 extra guests isn't many, and if your FMIL will pay for them, it'll be fine, but I think she does need to be reigned in that it's ok to have uneven numbers. Lol she'd be filthy about my wedding, I have 120/150 of the guest count because FH is from a tiny rural town!
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 29, 2020 at 12:58 AM
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Your FMIL and FH are being ridiculous.
1.) You had an agreement.
2.) You can’t control how many family members you have.3.) You’re getting married. All of your guests are there for BOTH of you. There’s no “your guests” or “his guests.”Talk to your FH about your reasoning and remind him why you came to this agreement in the first place. Stop discussing wedding planning, or at the very least your guest list, with your FMIL.
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Super October 2021
Ashley · on July 29, 2020 at 1:47 AM
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I wouldn’t allow her to invite people who are not family. Her friends aren’t more important than yours, it’s not her wedding day, and the amounts aren’t that uneven. People do not have to sit on different sides, either. You can encourage them to sit wherever they want, regardless of who they are related to. You’ll all be one family after the ceremony anyway!
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on July 29, 2020 at 5:23 AM
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My family was technically nearly 30 people.
2 came, and that was pre-pandemic.
DH's family was technically 14 people, and 7 came.
Honestly, this feels a little petty and rather concerning. If your FMIL is worried about "fairness" now, how is she going to behave when it comes to holidays?
This is your wedding, and you and your FH need to figure it out without her input.
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 29, 2020 at 5:51 AM
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That's what kind of strikes me as odd. I am not choosing to crowd out the guest list, my grandmother just choose to have a lot of kids
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 29, 2020 at 5:53 AM
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Thank you for this straight talk. FH and I definitely need to have a talk about this and also set dome boundaries with his parents (like we did with mine)
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 29, 2020 at 5:54 AM
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That also rubs me a bit too. That she would be inviting her friends when FH and I both arent to keep numbers down and the day affordable
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 29, 2020 at 5:55 AM
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The point about my FMIL is a fair one. FH definitely tends to go along with her too
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Master October 2021
Mrs.a · on July 29, 2020 at 7:45 AM
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I honestly don’t see the point in arguing over 8 guests. If FH & FMIL want the 8 guests I would invite them.
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Devoted January 2022
Amber · on July 29, 2020 at 9:20 AM
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I agree that it may not be worth arguing over 8 guests, especially if FMIL has offered to pay for them. But I understand where you are coming from. Just because you invite the same number of people doesn’t mean you’ll have the same number of declines, so the sides may still be uneven the day of. I think uneven sides are pretty common. We’re still editing our list still, but currently my list is at 21 and his is at 111.
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Expert May 2021
Erin · on July 29, 2020 at 9:40 AM
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This exactly!!! I was thinking the same thing!! (on the top section) I was thinking grow up lady (to mother in law) as it stands now, my boyfriend has more on his side than mine of family coming and i don't care... it's not about who has more on who's side..!!!
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on July 29, 2020 at 9:59 AM
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Your MIL is being extremely petty. And while I don't disagree with other PPs that it would be easy to just give in since it's only 8 people, I would be very concerned the precedent that it would set for your future marriage. For example, "Well you spent 4 days at your parents last Christmas, so I expect you to stay 4 days here this Christmas," or "Why didn't you tell me your mom was giving our grandchild 3 gifts when you knew I was only bringing 2 gifts." I realize those are extreme examples, but I could just see this being a very slippery slope, and life isn't always going to be "even-steven." I would hold your FH accountable to what you already agreed to - family only.
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