Hi everyone, happy holidays!
I wonder if anyone has been in a similar situation and may be able to offer some advice. My boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) have been together for the past 4 years (our 4 year anniversary was this past July), we've been living together for the past 2~2.5 years. We have a very loving, stable relationship. Both of us are working full time jobs (remotely due to COVID) and are financially independent (paid off our student loans). We have seperate saving accounts but share many expenses and do have some (low value) joint belongings like furniture and etc. We usually take turns inviting each other out if we go to dinner, and have a very balanced approach to how we spend money on each other. We have a general "what's mine is yours" approach to finances. My BF told me that the day he got his first post-grad job, and it's been a strong motto for us since. We've discussed marriage, raising a family together in the past and have very similar life goals and values.
My parents live nearby and our within our immediate bubble of people we see regularly. We've been taking the necessary precautions to feel comfortable spending the upcoming holidays together. Anyways, I was over for lunch the other day at my parent's place and my parents started bringing up the question of an upcoming engagement or wedding.
My parents know my boyfriend very well, they have a very close relationship. I'm also very close with my boyfriend's immediate and extended family. We've been doing holidays / vacations together for the past few years, and are definitely very well integrated into each families/social circles. I'm practically an older sister to my BF's younger siblings, and his parents absolutely adore me (and vice versa). However, my parents haven't met his parents yet. The assumpting being (amongst my family) that they would invite my BF's parents to the city and their house once we got engaged (for a more formal meeting of the families).
Over the past few weeks my parents have been increasily curious, and are making more and more comments/questions about whether or not we'd get engaged any time soon. My mother keeps saying we've been together for a "very long time," and that if we are thinking of making any moves together (perhaps moving to a new city for one person's job, maybe buying our first appartment) we should also be thinking of taking the next step in our relationship (which I agree is sound advice). My parents come from a relatively traditional background, are religious (but not very observant). My mother has been asking me whether or not my boyfriend has brought up the question of engagement, or if it's at all in the cards. She wants to know whether or not I think it's a serious relationship. I tell her it is, but can't really provide a more complete answer because I'm not sure exactly how my boyfriend feels about it.
My parents want to, very graciously, donate to us their 1999 model Jeep car since we're thinking of getting a new car (we bought a very discounted one right out of college when we moved apartments together). They don't use the car anymore at all, and would rather give to us then try and sell it. I don't feel comfortable accepting any large financial present from my parents before he and I get engaged, because if we're going to keep heading down the road of acting like a married couple (having joint financial assests etc) I would prefer to make it official.
He's told me before he wants to marry me, but isn't sure of when he sees himself proposing (so it could be next year, or maybe even 3-4 years potentially). Sometimes he'll say "Yes you know if things keep going well the way they have then I definitely see it happening in a year from now, maybe sooner, maybe later, but I do see it happening" which feels rather vague so I don't fully know? Is it alright to want to ask for somewhat of a timeline of what he's thinking about? Sometimes when I ask he says "I envision my life with you, it's just a matter of time before I actually propose and I don't know when that is." In his ACTIONS I know he is very, very committed, but for some reason the thought/topic of an enagement seems scary to him when we sit down and talk about it (that's the vibe I get when we discuss it together).
I've told him that's totally ok, I respect that, he doesn't need to give me a strict timeline, but on the flip side I don't know how to feel about making joint financial decisions/moving for jobs with him etc, and I certainly don't know how to talk about the topic with my friends/family. I'm not sure how to handle the situation with my parents, especially with the holidays coming up soon. I worry they'll ask him outright if he has any intentions of proposing soon.
When my BF talked to his parents about marriage/the future of our relationship (he told me this later on, after the fact), they told him we were "incredibly young" yet when my BF's BFF (23M) got engaged to his (22F) girlfriend after 1.5 years together (which has, until very recently, been only long distance) they had nothing to say on the question of age! Thought it was totally "normal" and "expected." They told him, in regards to our relationship, that marriage was forever and he should be absolutely, beyound a doubt sure, that he should take his time until he felt fully fully confident, even if that meant waiting a few extra years. I think it's fair advice, I just, maybe expected them to use, maybe slightly different language? Or demonstrate that they are receptive to us taking the next step, especially given how much they openly love me, support our relationship, and have told me on numerous occassions how excited they are that we're "all family"? Idk what to make of that situation either. We are young, but we've had a very mature relationship for the past few years, and I'm starting to feel a little ticked off about the language they are using to describe our relationship.
A lot of our other friends have been getting engaged recently. I'm very very happy for them, but after seeing countless engagement posts online from (almost) every we know in our general social circle, I'm starting to feel quite alone, as if there's something 'wrong' with our relationship because we are one of the only one's not getting engaged? I think this is partly because they all seemed to get engaged after dating their partners for much shorter amounts of time (maybe between 9 months-1.5 years on average). I see so, so, so many posts of people celebrating their engagements/showing off their rings, and I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm doing something wrong? Of course I realize it's mainly just social media exerting it's normal, psychologically unhealthy effect on its users. No matter how mentally strong I am, I don't know how to handle the external pressures. It's taking a bit of a toll mentally, and I don't want it to cause any animosity or resentment between my partner and I.
tl;dr My parents keep making comments insinuating they think / expect / want to know whether or not my boyfriend is thinking of proposing soon (within the year or so). How can I handle this delicately with them since I don't really know myself and don't know what to say?
