DitchingDiaz
Dedicated November 2020

How can i ask one of my Bridesmaids if she is still interested in being one?

DitchingDiaz, on August 5, 2019 at 11:41 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 36
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Hi Everyone!

I need some advice- one of my bridesmaids has been one of my best friends since high school. However, all of our friendship she has struggled with being there for me as much as I am there for her. She struggles with depression, anxiety etc. and I am always the first one to drive to her house to help, however I don't receive the same in return and have spoken to her about this. I asked her to be my bridesmaid because obviously she's one of my bestfriends, but she also told me she was up for it.


However, she never responds to the BM group chat, she has yet to send in her deposit for her makeup meaning that I can't book MY own hair and makeup since the deposit is for the overall amount ($27/ I gave them all the option to choose whether they want to have their MU done and she chose yes), she is no longer responding to my direct texts anymore if it is about the wedding.

What should I do? Is asking her if she is still up for being a bridesmaid rude? HELP

36 Comments

Latest activity by Jennifer, on August 6, 2019 at 5:31 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    Your wedding is really far away if the date in your profile is correct. Why does she need to put money down for the makeup artist this far out? What else could the BMs possibly need to talk about?
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  • Laura
    Master October 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    I'm in almost the exact same situation with my friend i've known since kindergarten, 45 years! She seemed all gung ho about being in the wedding, but with her anxiety issues I was hoping it's not to hard for her. I've sent her pics of everything, trying to get some input. I'm going to send a pouring my heart out message and see what that does. I'm hoping iit helps. if she doesn't want to do it you need to know. I would just ask her, that's what I plan on doing

    • Reply
  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
    • Flag
    I don't think it's rude to ask her. Talk to her. Let her know you've noticed her distance and tell her that if she feels being involved in the wedding is too much for her, you understand. It's better to get things out in the open then to push forward ignoring the issue.
    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
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    I agree with this, definitely just be upfront with her and tell her if she’s not up to being a bridesmaid that you still love her and no hard feelings at all, but you do need to know one way or another, and if she does want to be one she needs to respond to this stuff.

    I’d also like genuinely check on her to see how she’s doing, all wedding stuff aside... of course it is important to have your wedding stuff figured out but just remember first and foremost she is your friend, and it sounds like she’s struggling quite a bit. Maybe you could just allow her to do the bare minimum as a bridesmaid, meaning just get a dress and show up. She doesn’t have to get her makeup done professionally if she doesn’t want to pay for it/deal with it.
    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    I'm also a little confused what your BMs would have to worry about so early. Be a friend first, bride second!

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  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    She's probably thinking there's a ton of time left to talk about the wedding, and plan for it, put down deposits, etc.

    Maybe you don't realize yet, but nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are. It's a simple fact. And nobody will want to talk about it as much as you do. In fact, I find that my people don't talk about it at all unless I bring it up. They have lives of their own, jobs of their own, sometimes husbands and kids of their own too. For them, your wedding is one day, 15 months from now. I have to say, with the exception of my wedding, I don't give anything that far away a second thought at this point. So, why would anyone else be that concerned with your wedding?

    I'm not trying to be rude, and I hope you don't take it that way. It's just one of those blunt truths that has to be said.

    Try not to think of her as your bridesmaid, and just your friend for now. There isn't any reason she needs to be thinking of the wedding this far in advance, and so you should focus on your friendship with her.

    Once your date gets closer, then you'll have plenty of wedding stuff to talk about. Until then, be her friend. I bet you'll see a change in her, in a good way.

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  • DitchingDiaz
    Dedicated November 2020
    DitchingDiaz ·
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    I live in Miami, so since it is a 'destination' location everything gets booked up very fast-especially the affordable/good options. Makeup and hair is a priority for me, and this makeup artist is the most affordable and best in my area. She is already booked for the weekend before mine.

    -As for stuff to talk about, I have 9 BM and they are all scattered among the globe so they have all been trying to find a month that works for ALL of them for things like the bridal shower, bachelorette party etc.

    Every bride has different timelines (:

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  • DitchingDiaz
    Dedicated November 2020
    DitchingDiaz ·
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    Oh I absolutely agree! I gave all of the BM the option on whether to do their own or get it done, and she chose to have it done. Only reason why I am asking her for her deposit

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  • DitchingDiaz
    Dedicated November 2020
    DitchingDiaz ·
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    Thank you Laura!

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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
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    Totally makes sense and sounds like you are being more than fair! If that’s the case I’d send her one more message just saying that if she does want the professional makeup you’ll need her deposit by x date, and that if she doesn’t get it to you by then, you’re fine with her doing her own makeup 🤷🏻‍♀️
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    I personally would cover the deposit for her and have her pay you back closer to the wedding. And as far as the group chat I would be pretty annoyed as a bridesmaid to be in a group chat more than a year before the wedding. I would let her participate in what she wants but don’t force things because that will cause a lot of resentment. I’m saying this as a bride who got married in a city that’s extremely popular for weddings, had 10 bridesmaids in all different states, and didn’t have a single group chat and still everything got taken care of.
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  • DitchingDiaz
    Dedicated November 2020
    DitchingDiaz ·
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    True, will do!

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  • DitchingDiaz
    Dedicated November 2020
    DitchingDiaz ·
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    Kudos to you Kelly! This groupchat was JUST now created for those who chose to get their makeup done so I can wrangle the deposits. Believe me, only person I have been talking to has been my MOH.
    • Reply
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag

    I'm with PP, back off the wedding talk for now. It's wayyyy too early, even for dresses and definitely for optional parties like a bachelorette and shower (which you shouldn't even be involved in planning anyway).

    You say your friend has a multitude of issues but you don't really seem to care... Like others said, be a friend first and a bride second.

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  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
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    So much this.

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  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    Awesome. Then I would just cover the deposit until she’s able to get it to you. I think that would be easiest.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    If you “JUST now” created the group chat, why are you already saying she “never responds” in it?
    • Reply
  • ASMini914
    Super September 2019
    ASMini914 ·
    • Flag
    Personally I would just pay the $27 deposit, and give her some space. Check in on her as a friend as others have said, and assure her that you aren’t forcing her into anything.
    • Reply
  • DitchingDiaz
    Dedicated November 2020
    DitchingDiaz ·
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    Honestly, the fact that you said "you don't really seem to care" is so offensive and rude. You have no inkling of the nights I have spent cradling her, consoling her, putting my own issues aside to be there for her all of these years and being okay with the fact I never got a 'Are YOU okay?' in return. You have no clue that I myself struggle with anxiety, have come from an abusive home, and had to grow up way too fast to take care of my family. Please consider the things you say before posting them online.


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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    We can only go off the information you provide and that was my analysis based on what you said.

    Best of luck.

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