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Savvy September 2019

Homophobic father walking me down the aisle

Thea, on July 10, 2019 at 3:07 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 2 21
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I need some honest advice regarding my wedding ceremony. Here's the background:

I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for over 6 years and out of the closet to my family for about 2. My family generally is ok with my relationship, but my father will not speak to me and cannot even stand to look at me. This is due to homophobia and just a generally rocky relationship. My FW and I have been very cordial with him the past few years. I have been trying to extend an olive branch, and I sometimes see minor improvements but overall there has been very little change for the better. He still pretty much hates me.

Fast forward to my wedding planning for this September. My FW and I have finally decided how we will walk down the aisle. Her dad will give her away, and I need someone to give me away.

I could ask my brother - he recently got married, and I was his only "grooms-maid" so it would be great to have a special role for him in the wedding to make sure he is equally appreciated. If I do so, I risk definitively alienating my father for good. Not to mention I would be blamed for having severed the relationship publicly ("dealing the final blow" so to speak).

If I don't ask my brother, or even my mother, I risk having an incredibly uncomfortable/bordering on terrible wedding ceremony if my dad somehow agrees to give me away just to save face in front of family/friends.

I have no idea what to do, and I cannot ask my family about this for obvious reasons. My FW votes for asking my dad to give me away as a way to give him one last chance, but she is a much better person than I am. He hasn't even RSVP'd yet.

Thoughts? Any queer engaged folks here with tips? Please help!


Latest activity by Katie, on July 11, 2019 at 3:12 PM
  • F
    Devoted October 2019
    Future Mrs Wilson ·
    • Flag
    I would let your brother do it. You dont need that stress on your wedding day
    • Reply
  • Cyndy
    Rockstar May 2019
    Cyndy ·
    • Flag
    I guess it depends if you want to give your dad one last chance. If so, I would ask him with the expectation that he will say no. If he doesn’t that will be a bonus but at least your conscience is clean and you can then move forward. It sounds like your brother will do it if your dad says no so that’s good. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
    • Flag

    Would you consider having them both walk you? That way regardless, your brother gets the honor, and you still give your dad a chance. I had my dad & brother walk me, because my dad wasn't really a big part of my life growing up...but we've been working on our relationship over the past few years.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
    • Flag
    Ask your brother. Your dad doesn’t deserve the honor of giving you away at your wedding if he can’t even support your relationship. I surely wouldn’t have him do it just to spare his feelings. Has he been concerned about your feelings the last few years?
    • Reply
  • Anna
    Super August 2020
    Anna ·
    • Flag

    Ask your brother for sure. You can always ask your dad too, and have them both walk you together (if he agrees). That being said, I think the person walking you down the aisle should be supportive of your relationship and marriage. If your dad isn't that person, then he shouldn't walk you down the aisle. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. Best of luck!

    • Reply
  • Waldy
    Devoted October 2020
    Waldy ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I was going to suggest this too! Have brother and father walk you down the aisle. My FSIL isn't close with her father, and her step-father was the officiant. She had her mother and father walk her down the aisle

    • Reply
  • Nemo
    VIP August 2018
    Nemo ·
    • Flag

    I'm not queer, but I understand rocky family relationships. You aren't responsible for explaining yourself to anyone. Will you even be comfortable having your dad walk you down the aisle when you know that he doesn't support you or your relationship? I wouldn't let him walk you down the aisle as a means of protecting him, that isn't fair to you. Personally, I think he should have to own his position and his viewpoint in front of his family and friends if he is going so far as to ostracize his own child. As another PP said, it is an honor for a father to "give his daughter away" at her wedding, and he hasn't earned that.

    • Reply
  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    Having someone walk you down the aisle is really special and it should only be someone that has ALWAYS supported you. If that person is your brother then have him walk you! Who care about your dad's feelings, this is YOUR special moment. When you feel those butterflies walking down the aisle you want a solid support system by your side, not someone you're giving one last chance to.

    • Reply
  • N
    Savvy July 2019
    NikkiMJ ·
    • Flag
    Ask them both to walk you down!
    • Reply
  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn't have someone that doesn't support your relationship/marriage walk you down the aisle. If you want to give him a chance that's your call, but I personally wouldn't. I would ask for your brother since you guys seem close.
    • Reply
  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I 100% agree with this. Ask your brother. Even if your dad did say yes, it would be a fake presence since he doesn't support your relationship.

    • Reply
  • Kiley
    Expert November 2019
    Kiley ·
    • Flag

    I think this is a conversation you need to have with your father. If deep inside you want him to walk you down or even think you'll regret it later, then you need to embrace all awkwardness and how extremely hard and potentially painful the conversation may be, and tell him your desires. (This is a conversation with my own father I am working up the courage to have). You have to put the ball in his court and let him decide. My sister did not and ten years later we learned it truly hurt his feelings to never be given a voice. If you don't want him to walk you down and wont regret it later, then I think your mom or brother are a perfect choice!

    • Reply
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    Do you want to give your father that chance? If not ask the brother, you should only be surrounded by people who love you. It's honestly embarrassing in this day and age your own father would act that way, I'd consider not inviting him at all if you think he'd make a scene.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    VIP December 2019
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    I didn't think parents needed to RSVP. Have you spoken with him at all? Did he say he wasn't coming? I would ask him or ask your mom to ask him and if he says no then ask your brother. He would have no one to blame but himself. I have a trans sister and while we don't agree with the lifestyle we would never not show up and be supportive. You can disagree with the lifestyle and still be a party of that person's life

    • Reply
  • Catalena
    Dedicated November 2019
    Catalena ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    I agree!!!
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Master October 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    I say ask your brother. He's shown support for you and your relationship your father hasn't. Your father may be hurt yet, but he may come to realize it's of his own doing. You said you've done all you can to extend the olive branch, but if he isn't willing to accept it yet I wouldn't have him give you away. I"m not down on your father at all, but your wedding should involve the people who have loved and supported you and your FW

    • Reply
  • Celeste
    Dedicated October 2019
    Celeste ·
    • Flag

    You don't mention if your folks are still married to each other, and how supportive your mother has been. My vote would be to pick the person who has been your biggest support and cheerleader, regardless of age or gender. Might be mom (but not if she's still married to dad, that makes her complicit in his ill treatment), might be brother, might be an awesome grandparent or aunt or uncle, or a dear lifelong friend. And, I'm sorry you are going through this - people can really suck.

    • Reply
  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
    • Flag
    We're having a bride/bride wedding. I believe the olive branch was the invitation. Some people take forever or never to the stage where they are good with it. You don't have a close relationship now and him walking you down the aisle would be lying about it. I have seen mothers do it, it doesn't have to be a male. Or your brother is perfect too. Both even. My FW's brother is most likely to walk me down if my mom isn't physically able to. Or they both might.
    I see where your FW is coming from but being cordial isn't what I would have as the qualifier.
    Best wishes!
    • Reply
  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
    • Flag
    I would let your brother to walk you down the aisle or someone else or no one at all. You can't bring a horse to water. He may never accept you or your relationship... it hurts but he is missing out. I wouldn't ask someone to do something they don't believe in and disrespect myself and partner in the process. I'm sorry you are in this situation but hope you will make the best of everything.

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    Has your brother RSVP'd? If so, I think you have your answer. Your brother has not only supported you and your truth, he even made you a special part of his wedding. Your father alienated himself by being homophobic and not supportive of you or your FW, and that is a decision that he has to live with. It would be different if your father had been actively trying to change, but it sounds like all the olive branches have come from you. A loving family relationship is a two way street, and if it were me, I would want a person who has only supported me having that special honor of walking me down the aisle. I hope your day is amazing and you are surrounded by those who love you for you! Good luck! Smiley smile

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