Holding two separate weddings to accommodate affair?

Just have one wedding event for all your guests, and people can put their pettiness aside for one day or stay home. It cuts down costs for you and eliminates confusion for them.

This is totally a personal choice, and I think your idea is fine. That being said, these people are all adults. They should be able to attend a family event, especially the marriage of their son/brother, and put their feelings aside for a few hours. If your FH has a relationship with his father, I think he has the right to be invited to his wedding ceremony and reception.

Usually I would say the adults should be able to act like adults and set aside their differences for you on your big day. However, this sounds like a very volatile situation that could get out of hand quickly, or severely damage relationships. Under the circumstances, I think your proposed idea sounds perfect! Both sets of parents will get to be involved while remaining separate from one another’s lives, and you will not have to worry about anything during your celebrations.

View Quoted Comment

Thank you for your suggestion!

Seperate events sounds like a good idea. All circumstances are different and if there is a risk that someone's mental health would be affected, then no they shouldn't be put in that position. Both of you will also feel much more comfortable and be able to enjoy both events without worrying about the tension. That being said, if you FH wants both parents there for one event, that is his decision to make.

I have a friend who went through what your FH did, and I am so sorry for him. Even though it's great that he and his father are able to have a good relationship still, the fact is that his father destroyed their family and also left his ex-wife and children destitute. I absolutely think your plan is the right one in this scenario. The father is lucky to be included at all after what he did--he likely knew that he may lose his children completely as a result of his actions, and he chose to continue down that path, eyes wide open.

I completely and strongly disagree that the mother should be expected to put her feelings aside for one day. This isn't a typical divorce. The father didn't leave her, he abandoned the family and he put his children in financial jeopardy. He left your FH homeless. If I was his ex-wife, I would be completely incapable of being cordial to him, and I expect that most women would be the same. You can hurt me, but you do NOT hurt my babies.

In this case I don't think your FMIL is being petty at all, and like you would completely respect not wanting to put her in a position where she needs to see her ex-husband or ex-best friend who started an affair together. If you want to do a larger event, I would do one and not include the dad or girlfriend, then do something small to celebrate with them separately if you want to. Considering the dad pretty much destroyed his family and ruined a good portion of your hubby's teenage years and young adulthood, I think including him in any way is noble and not at all required.

I agree that separate events sounds like the best plan in this circumstance. Having been through similar circumstances with my aunt and uncle, I would hate to have your FMIL not come because she (understandably) wants nothing to do with FFIL. My uncle was the only father figure I had growing up, but since my aunt left him (after around 20 years too) for her friend/coworker he has felt like we aren’t his family anymore. I really wish he would have come to the wedding, before the whole thing went down I intended to ask him to walk me down the aisle, but I understand that he’s still hurt and it would be uncomfortable for him. Definitely follow your FH’s lead here, but I don’t think excepting everyone to just get over their feelings for wedding events is going to work out the way one would hope.

If it were me, I'd have one wedding and not invite the father's girlfriend. Normally couples are a social unit but I think this is a case you can make an exception for. Plus, your husband isn't close to her and sounds like he doesn't like her. If his dad doesn't go because of it, it's his dad's problem.

You can try to keep them apart at the wedding. I’ve been to 2 weddings and both instances the divorced parents were on separate sides of the room. They managed to keep it civil during those 3-5 hours.

I’m on the “adults need to act like adults” side of this. Yes it was terrible what FH’s father did to his family, but if FH has mended a relationship with him then he has most likely forgiven and therefore he should be invited to the wedding. It will be difficult for mom, but if she wants to witness her son getting married she will need to pull herself together, hold her head high and deal with one day.
I’m concerned to that if the father is invited to the courthouse ceremony that means HE will be the only parent to witness his son get married. I’m all for having a bigger ceremony later if that’s what you want, but the fact is that is not a ceremony of your actual marriage to this man. Are you willing to take away that opportunity for FH’s mother to actually witness her son get married? I’d be willing to bet mom would not be happy with that in any scenario.

View Quoted Comment THIS. Either all the parents (mom and dad and lover girlfriend) come and behave themselves or nobody gets invited. All or none, no picking and choosing or separated events. That’s playing favorites.

I would have one wedding and expect everyone to act like adults. My husband's parents though still married have been separated for 15 years. His father is estranged from my husband's older brother and sister. We only had one wedding. We just made sure to sit them at completely different tables far enough away.

View Quoted Comment

Thirding!

Also, sometimes the problem sorts itself out.

For instance, my mother is a narcissist and very toxic, and I can never trust her to behave herself. Still, I invited her, and asked members of our BP to, uh, govern her, if you will.

My dad and stepmother, though they do not like my mother, are mature adults who are always exceedingly polite and even friendly with her for my sake (when they would, very rarely, have to interact with her).

Well, mom saw the invitations, and declined to come! Problem solved! (This was a massive relief to me, and we haven't spoken in over a year. It's glorious. Highly recommend getting the toxic person to huff off all on their own power.)

Make sure to seat them well apart, have a member of your BP assigned to help keep them that way, don't take photographs with them together, and make it pretty clear that any scene will get everyone kicked out.

View Quoted Comment

Exactly. Your FH is a better person than I; I'd never get over my own father leaving my mother, siblings, and me homeless.

I think your idea is beyond generous. I absolutely would not invite the girlfriend to anything, etiquette be darned; the father only because your FH wants him there, if indeed he does want him there.

Because of Covid, I would say splitting the crowd so no one but you two go to both parties, makes sense. If that makes it easier to deal with this, great.
Ordinarily I would say that adults need to act like adults. They are entitled to feel as they do. But should not expect others to keep them out of each other's path forever. Or to hold more than 1 Celebration or part, in something like a wedding. And if they cannot deal, they should stay home.

View Quoted Comment

I wasn't concerned about who attended the courthouse wedding except for the two mandatory witnesses. My "actual marriage" to this man is in a house of God by everyone's standards in my family, not the state so we don't put too much weight on that.

I appreciate all your responses, however they can't be at the same wedding because his father will approach my FH's older sister (who isn't his biological daughter) and her kids whom she doesn't want him to know (and her kids are literally in the wedding party).

I'm not concerned about my MIL making a scene as opposed to my SIL, but I don't think that's right that the woman who birthed him and went through trying to support the family and save their house on her own have to witness her ex-best friend and her ex-husband.

I'm also setting the tone for the rest of my married life. I will likely be living with my MIL taking care of her for years to come. We've already decided our kids won't be calling his girlfriend grandma, and as nice as she is - the two of them need to be adults and accept that I care about my MIL's feelings and there are consequences of their affair.

My own mother will feel awkward if I invite the mistress.

Anyway, I've decided we'll be doing the separate ceremonies.

View Quoted Comment

Thank you! I think he's a good person too. I've pondered on inviting just his father, but it may still cause some issues if he can't separate himself from his estranged daughter's children who are in my wedding party.

It seems that no matter what I choose someone will be told to suck it up, so I might as well choose the side I agree with and also the side I see most of to make our life in the future easier.

View Quoted Comment

100% support this decision, and I also totally understand the idea that the "real wedding" happens in the House of God--that's how my family and I are too

I think you should do what makes YOU (since planning was left up to you) happy and if your idea is it - then do it! If the father does not agree with it then his loss/guilt to live with for not being there for his son (again).