Tonight I have learned that my FMIL now doesn’t want to attend the wedding...a-little backstory last week FMIL texts me and ask questions regarding her dress and the flower girl dress (her grand daughter) which she decides to show me the dress that she likes for herself and I explained the dress style is similar to my moms but it’s a different color, she says that it’s okay she will continue looking. Then I sent her a photo of the dress I bought the flower girl and she immediately gets snappy saying why didn’t I tell her before she bought a dress for the flower girls.. at this point I’m upset because who buys a dress without showing the bride first. (But I left it at that and my dress is the choice we are going with) Anyhow that’s really the last time we spoke. Then yesterday I go to her home to hand deliver the invitation and she is really upset and rude for no reason to me saying that she didn’t need a invitation and slammed it down. And told me I needed counseling before marriage. So I told FH about this because this isn’t the first time she acted this way while he wasn’t around. He tries to tell me that he will handle it blah blah so tonight we are talking and I’m like well did you talk to your mom and he starts babbling about how much he just wants everybody to get along and he thinks we all should have a conversation. I said no I will not have a conversation with her because I did nothing wrong to her she is out of line. So, he then proceeds to share that she doesn’t want to come and it will hurt if she isn’t there... (to me that’s selfish of her to do) but I said how does her feelings change within a few days and he is like well I told her about some disagreements we had and I started sharing with her around May of last year. So now IM pissed because he started this whole mess and doesn’t wanna fix it (unless I help him) and I’m not because I don’t tell my parents everything about our relationship. So he says that his mom is taking everything that he told her now into consideration and doesn’t wanna come. Quite honestly I don’t even wanna come at this point!! I don’t even trust him with a conversation!! P.S we do go to consoling—-sorry really needed to vent!
Ah yea I think your partner really needs to step up here. Sounds like his mom was his confidante and though I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with that, it sounds like he also needs to stand up for you.
View Quoted Comment
Definitely agree it’s like instead of handling it he wants me to be the bigger person and I am DONE doing that. So I told him I WILL not talk to his mother I’ll respect her but don’t expect to go out of my way for her!
In-laws can be seriously pushy. Some boundaries definitely need to be set. Their relationship cannot be more important than yours and his if he plans on truly marrying you and being tied down for life with you. He will have to compromise and talk to his mom, and you will have to promise that you will try to get along with her and bite your tongue where need be (even if you aren't the issue, it will help the conversation go over smoother). He is, I will say, justified in talking to her about some disagreements or basically whatever he needs to if it's for venting purposes. After all, that's what you are doing on here. But, I will agree with you, she IS 250% crossing the line when she "takes those into consideration" and decides she doesn't want any affiliation with the wedding. All couples argue, sometimes over stupid things. You guys are new to the engaged/almost married life and it is a learning process. First off, times are crazy and chaotic right now for everyone. Brides are experiencing this stress, and other forms of it due to wedding planning. Second, it's not her relationship so even if he talks to her about things, it's not her place to speak about whatever it is. She can listen, but her lips need to remain closed and he needs to put you first (which means no disclosing unnecessary things to her, especially if she has a big mouth). If she cannot handle him speaking to her about things, maybe you should ask that he confide in you or someone else that will remain neutral and won't judge the given situation. I totally understand where you're coming from though and I'm so, so sorry that you are experiencing this. I have totally been there, but with much different things. I ultimately just decided to tell my husband that I wasn't putting up with the drama anymore and he handled the issues with his mother from there. There is a fine line between her doing what she is intended to do and overstepping her boundaries. Maybe he needs to settle the issues he created with both you and his mother, and then all of you could have a conversation stating what you're comfortable and not comfortable with. I wish you the absolute best of luck during all of this!!! 💕
Also, I think you're being the bigger person by biting your tongue and refusing to speak with her. Speaking with her at the moment might only worsen these issues, so in a way, you're doing what he's asking. It's his job to fix these issues from there. Be polite and respectful, but definitely don't over-do it or go too far out of you way because it might not make a difference.
View Quoted Comment
I’m totally with you sister literally everything you said just blessed my heart. I told him tonight his mom isn’t the answer for our relationship, he needs to find another confidant and furthermore I’ll have nothing else to do with her until she knows her place and he knows his place also which is Me.. it’s not room for two queens in one mans heart something has to give 😒
View Quoted Comment
I agree 100%. She will have to let loose eventually. I know how aggravating that is. If his mom isn't doing any good for the relationship and is only damaging it, she needs to be put back into her place. When he chose you, he chose that you come first. There's no arguing or disputing that. If you'd prefer that he talked to someone different and limited information, then he needs to give into that request as it isn't unreasonable whatsoever. You come first, that's all there is to it. Please keep us updated as to what happens!
You are doing it girl! I would have lost my mind lol. I can't take stupidity and the way my mouth is set up, someone would have gotten cussed out...LOL.... Probably him but she would have caught a little attitude too... just a little. I don't disrespect my elders but I would have to tell her about herself on this one very politely with a side of sass!
I'm sorry. She's completely out of line. Your FH needs to be the grown up here, talk to her, sort out the larger issues (him confiding in her, her refusal to acknowledge boundaries, her general rudeness), and decide where he's going to stand - with you, or with her.
You both need to set boundaries now, because it will only get worse if you don't.
Personally, my reaction to people getting offended and declaring they wouldn't come to the wedding: "Cool. You'll be missed. Bye." It says more about them than about you.
Love your response and strength. I agree, you're his true queen, his number one, his confidante. He should run to you for advice and to vent, not the mom. We had to set boundaries with my in laws too, they are pushy, opinionated and always have to have the upper hand.
Ugh I'm sorry this woman sounds like a selfish B! My FMIL is literally insane so I can empathize! What I've had to do with my FH is I had to tell him what to say to her at times. I said it has to come from HIM bc no matter what I say, I'm the villain who is "taking her son away" (this woman is co-dependent on ALL her children...) . With your FMIL I would make it about her and your FH. She should come for her SON! It's the biggest day of his life and you both want her there. I understand that someone acting the way that she has been acting probably doesn't respond to reason, but it's all I've got! Good luck and I hope this woman gets off your back lol.
You did nothing wrong! Your fiancé needs to talk to his mother and say her behavior will not be tolerated. Ugh. Honestly, if she doesn’t want to come, fine. That’ll only hurt her son and will make her look bad.
Your fiancé needs to stop talking to anyone other than you or a paid counselor about your relationship. If he takes his troubles to his mother, she's going to bring them back and dump them on you. No one but the two people in a couple (and their counselor, if any) should know what goes on inside a couple.
View Quoted Comment
Yes ! Lol Very Co-dependent situation also this is just a glimpse of what I have endured but I really left it in his hands to have this convo with her and stop running his mouth about me to his mom and acts like she has reason to act this way without a punishment. I want her to be there but if she isn’t oh well
View Quoted Comment
Amen sister! That’s how I am and it was really disappointing to comprehend that he has been doing this for a year now (we have been together 3) so I feel like my trust is in question also 😫