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October 2020

Help with mil

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Anonymous, on September 14, 2020 at 2:26 PM

Hi everyone
I’m at a loss for what to do so am turning to you all for any advice. My FMIL and I don’t get along. My future in laws have made it very clear that they do not approve of me in several ways. They have said some pretty horrible and toxic things about me and I actually had the decency to go speak to them in person about it all at their home yet things do not seem to be getting better. There’s a lot to say, but my current issue is trying to navigate my future MIL’s dress changes. She is planning on changing her outfit 3 times and so are her daughters and husband.

And she wants me to change my outfit as well. The way she said it was extremely rude as well - “it’s your choice but this is my personal thoughts that you should change your outfit since our family is all changing outfits and you represent our family now. So it’s your choice but you represent our family now”
She gave me no real choice...
I do not want to change my outfit because I genuinely love the one I’ve chosen. Mind you she’s been disapproving of my outfit since day 1 and made snide remarks about it after seeing it. I’m just at a loss of what to do. So far I’ve decided to not change and enjoy my day in my bridal outfit but I know based on what she’s done before that she will give me hell for this later. Advice ?

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31 Comments

Master 0000
Judith · on September 14, 2020 at 10:32 PM
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She seems to be mistaken. As of the time of your marriage, you are stepping one step away from your family and his, and will be a family of your own, and act independently. MIL is quite capable of representing her family with no help from you. This is your wedding day. and whether there are traditions of multiple outfits or not, it is up to you to decide what you want. And if you and FI choose a different path, one of independence, you will meet MIL halfway, and act friendly, but not allow yourself to be dominated by her. Now or ever .
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January 2014
Pam · on September 15, 2020 at 1:57 AM
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Wear what you want. If she gives you grief for it, hang up on her or if in person, turn your back and walk away. She can sputter and complain but you don't have to listen to it.
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October 2020
Anonymous · on September 15, 2020 at 7:49 AM
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YES! so true! Thank you for this
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on September 15, 2020 at 9:10 AM
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Many have said it, so I'll repeat it. No, is an acceptable answer.
Now, if you want to be politically correct, say, thank you, I'm looking at alternatives now. And then just let it go. What does your FH say about the way they are treating you? Is he standing up for you?
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. But you know, it's your day and to the heck with what she wants and how she will look. If you love your wedding dress, I'd stick with it.
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October 2020
Anonymous · on September 15, 2020 at 9:58 AM
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Thank you for your kind words

My fiancé is I think shocked that his parents, his mom especially is acting like this. He is standing up for me but I guess partly he used to his mom being this extra because she has done several outfit changes at other events. In regard to her treating me the way she does, I think my fiancé is shocked as well. But I’ve set my boundary. I will not have contact with her unless absolutely necessary.
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Dedicated August 2020
Q · on September 15, 2020 at 10:46 AM
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PP, are FIL Eastern European? This is a thing to show status and wealth if so. Outdated, But apparently still a thing. Don’t let it bother you. What does your FH say? Does he back you?
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October 2020
Anonymous · on September 15, 2020 at 11:13 AM
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We are south Asian
But the same mentality behind this probably still applies. My family is not like that at all, so this is all so weird to me. I would much rather spend the time to speak to my family and friends and my future husbands family and friends than to show off my “wealth” through various outfits. It’s stupidity in my opinion.
My future husband backs me up yes, thankfully because if he didn’t I’m not sure I could put up with her
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on September 15, 2020 at 11:44 AM
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That's all you can do is set your boundaries. Stay strong and stand tall - YOU.GOT.THIS
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Expert September 2020
· on September 16, 2020 at 3:06 AM
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She just sounds high maintenance. But its your wedding. She can do whatever she wants, but you dont have to do anything she says. Trust me, people will be thinking she is ridiculous for doing that, not that you. And Im sorry but changing your outfit three times, especially if you are not the bride, is absolutely ridiculous. But make FH deal with her since its his mother lol
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Master 0000
Judith · on September 16, 2020 at 9:33 AM
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Most of the Asian cultures I am aware of who do these changes, are also ones where for a decade or more, the son's bride is expected to be firmly under the thumb of husband's mother. So when you are at this point, MIL is testing, will you be a "good" DIL by her standards, docile, obediant, and always willing to do her bidding til your oldest son is near manhood. This makes it a very important time to establish boundaries, as you two clearly expect a modern marriage , and to make decisions after consulting with others when you choose, often hearing people out politely then saying, you have chosen a different way. No discussion, no argument.
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October 2020
Anonymous · on September 16, 2020 at 3:25 PM
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Thanks!
Yes I completely agree. I think that is exactly what she is doing- testing me. At the moment when she “suggested” (basically dictated) that I change my outfit, I said I would think about it, just to avoid any issues. I was thrown off by the suggestion because previous to this she made it clear that I can wear whatever I want on my wedding day (something I don’t even understand why she thinks she has the right to give me permission for) But I intend on just doing what I want to do.
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