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October 2020

Help with mil

Anonymous, on September 14, 2020 at 2:26 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 31
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Hi everyone
I’m at a loss for what to do so am turning to you all for any advice. My FMIL and I don’t get along. My future in laws have made it very clear that they do not approve of me in several ways. They have said some pretty horrible and toxic things about me and I actually had the decency to go speak to them in person about it all at their home yet things do not seem to be getting better. There’s a lot to say, but my current issue is trying to navigate my future MIL’s dress changes. She is planning on changing her outfit 3 times and so are her daughters and husband.

And she wants me to change my outfit as well. The way she said it was extremely rude as well - “it’s your choice but this is my personal thoughts that you should change your outfit since our family is all changing outfits and you represent our family now. So it’s your choice but you represent our family now”
She gave me no real choice...
I do not want to change my outfit because I genuinely love the one I’ve chosen. Mind you she’s been disapproving of my outfit since day 1 and made snide remarks about it after seeing it. I’m just at a loss of what to do. So far I’ve decided to not change and enjoy my day in my bridal outfit but I know based on what she’s done before that she will give me hell for this later. Advice ?

31 Comments

Latest activity by Anonymous, on September 16, 2020 at 3:25 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    "No," is a complete sentence. Your attire isn't up for debate. Your wedding is also next month, so even if you wanted a second outfit, it's not really an option at this point.

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  • Meaghan
    Savvy July 2022
    Meaghan ·
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    Don't change if you don't want too. Frankly if I was a guest I would think it was really weird that the MIL and SIL were doing constant costume changes during the wedding. Let the other guests have their secrete laugh at that craziness and know everyone will still be admiring only you! in response to them, just say in a lighthearted manner "oh I just want to enjoy the day and not worry about looking like a Broadway production of Into the Woods."

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  • Taran
    Expert September 2020
    Taran ·
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    Your FH needs to check them because that is so inappropriate. It’s your day
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I agree with PP. As a guest, I would find it very bizarre that the groom's family was changing outfits, especially 3 times. That just seems absurd to me. Do what you want and wear your chosen attire. And then let them look absurd and super high maintenance by having 3 different wardrobe changes.
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  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    Don't change it just because she is pressuring you to. you have to also know when to stand your ground.

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  • A
    Devoted October 2021
    Adrienne ·
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    Why do they even think it is necessary to change outfits 3 times??? The day is not about them, no one will care that they changed their outfits. And if anyone does, they'll probably just think it strange. The spotlight will only be on you and your FH, so if you wanted to change outfits, that's your prerogative, but since you don't then tell her "well if you want to buy me another $2000 dress, then sure I'll change outfits, otherwise I'll see you in your one outfit the day of".

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  • Jasmine
    Devoted May 2021
    Jasmine ·
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    What is wrong with people?! That’s crazy! Who changes 3 times at a wedding and their NOT the bride. Lmbo is your fiancé aware of the plans for their circus performance lol?
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I agree with everything already said, but most especially that your fiancé needs to stand up for what YOU want and shut them down. If he doesn’t make it clear they may not bully & be rude to you, you have a bigger FH problem than you do an in-law problem. Good luck!
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  • A
    October 2020
    Anonymous ·
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    Thanks everyone who’s replied so far!
    I should’ve made it clear that my FH told her right on the spot when she said that I should change, that it’s up to me and that I will decide what I want to do or not do. But I’m still afraid she will give me hell for it and I’m fairly certain she will.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    I agree with this. Your FH needs to deal with this, not you.
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    Then he needs to make it clear what the consequences will be (cutting off/limiting future contact, whatever) if she continues to be rude to you.
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  • Alyssa
    Super December 2021
    Alyssa ·
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    If they are trying to make the day about them, don’t worry, they’re not. A lot of people won’t even notice that they’re changing clothes, and if they do, they will think it’s because they had a wardrobe malfunction. After the second time they’ll realize how stupid they are being trying to be an attention stealer. You’re the bride, don’t worry about them.
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  • Belle
    VIP August 1997
    Belle ·
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    Speaking from experience, if your in laws are toxic, you have the option either to limit your time with them or cut them out of your life. Also, you are an adult, don’t let anyone control you ever, especially regarding how you want your wedding to be. Your wedding, you and your fh decide. More importantly, your fh has to have your back and support you. You will be married to him, not his family. Stand your ground and don’t give them the idea that they can control you, because it only will get worse.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    What everyone else said about saying "no", setting boundaries, limiting contact, and declining to discuss details. But also, based on this: "My FMIL and I don’t get along. My future in laws have made it very clear that they do not approve of me in several ways." You already know no matter what decisions you make, you aren't going to please her/them. So, simply stop trying. If you can't "win" either way, don't play the game.

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  • A
    October 2020
    Anonymous ·
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    Super helpful
    Thank you so much for that. I was getting so worried about whether I’m doing the right thing or if I’m going to be causing issues for myself the rest of my life. But like you said, even if I do what they want they will pass judgment. Even for wedding day outfit, she made snide comments. So why would I put myself in a position to get those comments from her again
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  • M
    Dedicated October 2021
    Michelle ·
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    This. All of this. Even if you changed three times, she’s find a reason to complain. Set firm boundaries. Let them look ridiculous for changing into three outfits and likely complaining about the fact that you didn’t after the wedding is over. No one will listen to them and think it’s reasonable. It says way more about them than it does you. Good luck!
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  • Natalie
    Super November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    Oh my! What @$$holes! On the plus side, the more outfit changes they have, the more time they’ll be away from your reception!
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  • I
    Expert August 2021
    Ingrid ·
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    Wow is all I have to say! This is totally ridiculous! First I've never been to a wedding where even the bride changed once, so them changing 3 times is way too far! I wouldn't let it get to you. They are going to do what they do no matter what you say or do so why let it get to you? I agree your FH should have a convo with his mom and sister, but wouldn't count on it making a difference. If this kind of thing is brought up down the line throw it back in their faces and if they continue limit your time with them When they ask why tell them you deserve and demand respect! Be the bigger person no matter how hard!
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  • A
    October 2020
    Anonymous ·
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    Thanks so much for your response
    I completely agree
    I have to try and just be the bigger person because those are my values and what I’ve been taught. I’m just annoyed that she tried to tell me what to do and guilt tripped me into it more than anything
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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    Sooo... do they expect your FH to change 3 times, and is he going to? I have to say, I've seen brides change into a shorter dress or different outfit toward the end of the reception to make travelling home easier, but never during the reception. That's just weird. And I couldn't tell you if the guests changed, because I wasn't paying any attention to them.

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