Help with in-laws who can't take no for an answer??

EDIT: Forgot a piece: One cousin refuses to let her 7-year-old stay with a sitter in an unfamiliar town, even though it's a sitter our dear friends recommended and he'll be with his cousins.

The other cousin, Cousin Z, told us her husband is staying home so she is bringing one of her five children in his place…and she’d like to bring the other four as well and promises they will be on their best behavior (behavior isn’t why we can’t fit the kids!).

So…I’ve already sent the “we are so sorry we don’t have room for the kids at the wedding BUT we have a fabulous sitter hired and we are throwing them a pizza party at the hotel during the wedding” and apparently that’s not working. FH says we should just back down, but I don’t feel that’s fair to my family and our friends who are not bringing their kids. And we just can’t fit everyone’s kids (over 60 kids would be on the invite list). Also, FH says we should at least let Cousin Z bring one of her children because we gave them two seats (although the invite was addressed to her and her husband). But I’m concerned about how that would look to other parents.

I figured this was coming but am still stressed. I’d love thoughts from those who have dealt with this or those who are just excellent problem solvers!!

You are right-- it will look bad to other parents. You are being VERY VERY generous by having a room with sitter and pizza-- you are doing WAY more than you have to.

This cousin is being ridiculous, you should definitely not cave in with them I would say something like "the invitation was for Mr. Cousin, and unfortunately we can not accommodate any children. We understand if this means you will be unable to join us at our celebration."

I think you have done everything you can to make it easy for your guests to bring kids with them if they are traveling but to not have them at the wedding. Not sure why people would push the kids at the wedding when they have another great option (which you have been so kind to provide). Is the kid that Cousin Z wants to bring above a certain age? Maybe that would help is to say no one below a certain age is invited or allowed at your venue?

Don't back down! Seriously if it gets out that you are allowing one, you will open up another entire can of worms. Don't do it.

No. Do not back down. Do not let her bring even 1 child to the wedding. All other parents who appropriotely RSVP'd sans children could be upset by this and that isn't something you need. If this cousin doesn't want to come now that her 95 children can't come...tough shit.

Edit: This is what I say in my FAQs section of my website:

"Q: Can I send someone else if I cannot attend?

No, we ask that only those listed on the invitation and indicated in the online RSVP tool attend."

Ditto what Barbara said. You have been extremely accommodating. Your reception is adults only, end of story. It's obnoxious that cousins are trying to substitute a child in for an adult who was specifically invited, while knowing this is supposed to be a child-free event. They are certainly able to bring all of their children to the pizza party and then both attend the wedding, so I fail to see an issue here other than them wanting to control your child-free policy. And you are dead on correct that by making an exception for them you will have to deal with major "ish" from other family members and friends. And you FILs need to get a grip. You are only a month away from your wedding and telling people that you will be lenient and allow some kids to come is totally out of line. I would tell cousins/family members who contact you about the kids policy that FILs are mistaken and kids are not welcome at the actual wedding. And you FH needs to address this directly with his parents and family (unless he's prepared to pay for 60 more people when the kids start flooding into the place!)

Yep, don't give in. Keep consistent. All or none. I don't understand why a person would WANT to bring their kids with your very generousness accommodations, and what kid would WANT to come to a wedding, when their cousins are having a blast a pizza party with other kids. Blah, don't feel bad and stick to your guns. And seriously, who would want to bring their child to an event instead of their husband? No, no kids. That's your choice, you've been accommodating, you are a good hostess.

I agree with everyone else on this, but would like to add that because it's your FIL's causing the problem, your FH needs to be the one to deal with it directly. He should speak to his parents himself about how they need to stop saying you'll be lenient about the children policy. If it was your family causing the problems, it'd be only natural for you to be the one to speak to them - at least that's how I feel. We're allowing kids at our wedding, so I don't have this specific issue, but we had a major problem with my FMIL inviting people to our wedding that we had no intention of inviting. My FH spoke with her about our capacity limits, but she's still being pushy. But we haven't backed down on inviting these extra people - it will be on her if they don't get an invite when they expected one. So I guess what I'm saying is that your FH should speak with his parents, but don't necessarily expect the problem to stop. Regardless of what they do, stand your ground. As long as you've been up front with guests about not bringing children and have told that one cousin that she can not bring one of her children, then you have done all you can do. Who cares if FH's cousins are offended...you said you've never met them, so they don't seem to be a huge part of your life.

Don't give in. FH needs to back you on this!

You are going above and beyond for child care. I didn't so stick to your guns

I agree with everyone else. You have been more than accommodating! If I were a parent and I couldn't bring my kid, then I saw another lady with her kid (family or not) I would be pissed & offended.

THANK YOU all so much! I'm sticking to my guns and I might even show FH your responses in case he thinks I'm just going all Bridezilla.

You are going above and beyond with all of this - don't back down!!

Do. Not. Cave. As others have stated, you are going way beyond what you need to do to accommodate the families. Dig those heels in and have FH back you up.