Help! Need Advice about attending brother-in-laws 2nd wedding

People will probably disagree with me and say save the money, but I really think you should go. You don’t have to get a gift. My brother in law and wife didn’t come to our wedding and it absolutely broke our hearts. He had agreed to be a groomsman and my mother in law was going to foot the bill for their plane tickets. We were paying accommodations but didn’t have to. And he just didn’t bother. It was my first marriage/wedding and my husbands second marriage but first wedding, and we felt so sad and unsupported. When other guests declined or had health issues we understood but this one really hit us where it hurt.

say you definitely need to go. When is the wedding? Figure out a budget and possibly try and stay somewhere where you don't have to pay for anything up front possibly half now and half later. To save up on what you still need.

I would go. Obviously, don't go into debt to go. But, if you have the money (even though it's expensive) I personally would go. It's a close family member, your husband is the best man.. it's a big deal. You don't need to get them a gift though! In my opinion they will know you travelled far to be there and won't expect it. They also don't need to offer to pay any of your expenses though. If things are really tough I would encourage your husband to speak to his brother about his financial concerns (if comfortable) and maybe a compromise could be reached.

In my opinion, you have 3 options, I hope this helps!:

1. Both of you attend and spend the money. This will be his brother's new marriage and celebration of his new life, and of course he wants you both there. However, it is going to be a very expensive weekend, so I'm sure they are expecting declines due to this.

2. Your husband can respectfully decline and save the money. You'll save the money, but there will 100% be hurt feelings. But, I know I wouldn't be able to afford to attend a wedding like that, so it is understandable why you're hesitant to attend!

3. You could either a) not attend and save half of the money, that way your husband could still go and be apart of his brother's day. Perhaps he could share a room/rent a car with his parents or another family member/friend to offset some of the lodging/transportation costs? B) you could fly in the night before/early morning of the wedding to save on some lodging costs (although, if you were going to fly out anyway, I would go for the whole thing if you're spending the money anyway haha)

Good luck!

Well here is a happy medium in my opinion but can your husband just go? Since he is the best man and it is his brother? I am sure you would want to go but asking them is there a cheaper way would not be a good idea. The only cheaper way would be to fly in the day or and flight out the next day. This way you can stay at home with the kids and there is only one flight that needs to be booked. Not ideal and I am sure you would go if you could but if it is not affordable that may be the option. Or have you checked air bnbs in the area?

Honestly, I would see if it's in my budget to go. If there was no way I could spend that money then I would want to let the brother in law know. Personally, I wouldn't break the bank to go. It may hurt feelings, but if it would cause you a financial hardship to go then I wouldn't.

You haven't said how far away the wedding is, but honestly I think you should go! Maybe this means a little extra saving for a few months to pull some funds together, but I feel that it is never an expectation for the bride and groom to contribute to guest travel expenses (even though, if someone offered to help cover my hotel I would never say no!!). I know this is a big expense, but this is his brother! Clearly the two of them are close for him to have asked your husband to be the best man, and it would mean a lot to the groom and your husband

There could be some cost savings to be found by using credit card rewards toward flight points or rental cars (check your cards, or heck consider signing up for a travel card with no annual fees), look at "flex" travel dates...some flights will have a pretty good savings if you take a super early/late flight, consider splitting the hotel room with the in-laws and/or check out getting an air bnb for the group Good Luck!

I would do it where only one of you goes. My bff is getting married in another state to which I'm MOH for. My husband isn't going. Obviously i have to but he doesn't and the cost of travel expenses overall for two people was just too high.

Oops to edit my comment - of course you husband has to go. So maybe you can just be home with the kids? It IS a lot of money in terms of travel costs

Weddings can be expensive for guests these days. It does require us to prioritize and pick and choose and the events that work for us, and sometimes a lot of evaluating. We’re in the NorthEast and had a friend get married in San Diego a few years back. I calculated what it would cost to attend and determined “I like you, but I don’t know if I like you enough to spend $1000 to go to your party”— we just weren’t close enough to justify the spending ...but on the flipside , one of my husband’s very best friends is getting married next fall, similarly in wine country in CA and I know that will be a pricy one for us, but they are some of our closest friends and we couldn’t possibly miss it. So, I’m trying to plan ahead and plan carefully, so it’s not such a big hit at wedding time.


My brother’s wedding was OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive for us to attend . I grumbled a little about how much I was dropping on plane tix due to a holiday weekend upcharge (north of $1100 for the both of us) and that I HAD to miss a day of work bc of the timing of their wedding, but I never thought twice about attending. I wouldn’t miss my brother’s wedding for the world. It was just too important to miss. We cut a couple corners to make it work better for us— didn’t stay as many nights (traveled the day of the event), didn’t rent a car (found some relatives to carpool with). I booked the hotel super early with a saver/non-refundable fare which was helpful both in saving a few months, AND we paid upon booking so that cost was taken care of well in advance and forgotten about by the time the wedding rolled around. We gave a smaller gift than we may have if we hadn’t had to spend so much getting there, but it’s also fine to skip a gift if you can’t make it work— a heartfelt card is sufficient. It meant the world to ME not to miss it, and it was wonderful for my husband to come too, but, if the costs were insurmountable to us— he could’ve stayed home ...saved us the airfare and maybe I could’ve found a relative to bunk up with to save a bit on hotel costs. He wanted to be there but it wasn’t AS important that he not miss it than that I not miss it— was nice to have him there but the day would’ve gone on without him. So, your husband could still go alone if that makes the most financial sense.
I don’t regret the money spent on my brother’s wedding and I’m certain I would’ve regretted not being there. But only your husband can speak to the relationship between him and his brother. If it’s important to him, I’d try hard to make it work some way or another to get him there.

Thank you for the advice! It probably is going to be just my husband going and flying in the day before and flying out the day after. That'll save us some $ on plane tickets and hotel rooms. I'm sad to miss it but that's pretty much us not being able to afford some other things that we need right now. I should mention that they're having the rehearsal dinner at a pizza place and the wedding and reception at her dad's property. He apparently has a large property in the wine country. He used to own a restaurant so I don't know if he's helping with food. It just seems that they planned everything to keep their own expenses down as much as possible but haven't given a thought to their guests expenses. When my husband and I got married we arranged a block of rooms for discounts, helped people double up if necessary. My dad rented a van for the weekend so we could transport everyone from the airport to the lodgings (at the beach) and to the wedding/reception. And there was tons to do within walking distance of the lodgings. We, the wedding couple also drove his brother to the wedding/reception site. It was a small wedding but our close family was there and we all hung out together. We would've driven people around or let them borrow our car. Whatever happened to family helping each other out? I guess I don't really understand weddings these days.

Do you have to stay all 3 nights? Could you split a hotel room with another couple? Would ubering or splitting a car with other family be cheaper? I'd imagine they'd be okay with you skipping a wedding gift since he is the best man. How far away is the wedding, to see if you could save for it? I know not all couples are like this, but my husband and I will do just about anything to go to a wedding regardless where it is (besides go into debt - but we just cut other expenses and save after we get the invite or save the date). We missed one of his best friend's weddings when we were in college and couldn't afford to go and we regret not just working extra hours and cutting other expenses to be able to go.

Oh, I forgot to mention the wedding is in October. I'm trying to book ahead. We kind of had to nag a bit to get them to get the info out so that we could book far enough in advance and one of the hotels on their list already is full for the dates. I guess you've got to plan WAY in advance these days!

I wouldn't go if it's going to be a financial hardship. It's tough since it's a sibling's wedding, but when someone plans a wedding that they know will be expensive or inconvenient for guests it isn't reasonable for them to be upset when people aren't able to attend.

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Sometimes hotel blocks really don't provide that much of a discount. Perhaps that's why they didn't block any off? Or maybe no one else is travelling in? I wouldn't take a pizza place rehearsal as being cheap- there's lots of upscale pizza places. I also wouldn't take hosting a wedding on the parents property as cheap- that probably entails bringing in your own linens, cutlery, music, lighting, sound systems, dance floor?, etc. It can get really expensive in comparison to an all-inclusive venue.
When you say "whatever happened to family helping each other out" my first thought is … well, did you ask for help?
It's great that you guys provided some extras for your family when you got married, but that doesn't automatically mean it needs to be reciprocated.

Just playing devil's advocate here.

It's family. In my family, not going wouldn't be an option. We would just have to figure it out.

It depends on what your and your husbands priorities are.

Yes, our priority IS family. Our two kids come first. They're still children. Period. My husband loves his brother but his brother is an adult in his mid 40's with no children and this his second marriage. I hear a lot of people without kids acting like dropping a couple thousand is no big deal but unless you have a well paying job... It is a big deal. Anyway, we'll probably get my husband there at least. Initially, my husband didn't want to go by himself, which I understand, but you do what you have to. In my side of the family we view the ceremony as a potentially fun thing to share but it's the actual marriage you should put the money and effort into.

You say, I am sorry, but we are unable to attend the wedding. Or because they are brothers, be more honest and say, we simply cannot afford to spend any where near $2K just to attend your wedding. ... And not mentioned, the additional wedding gift, which you will likely give whether you attend of not, because you do care.
You are only allowing $700 for food, drinks, luggage fees, transportation to and from airports, grooming and getting clothes pressed at hotel. We could not do all that plus $650 each room and tickets, for less than $2500 or 3,000. (Cal taxes everything. )
If hubby goes alone, and stays all 3 days since he paid the big ticket price, can he stay with Dad or other family? Saying that straight out to Dad or brother, and going alone, is much better than missing you he wedding. But your day to day family living has to come first.

View Quoted Comment Thank you all for the useful suggestions. I realized that part of my issue was that I was feeling a little bewildered by my husband's brother's lack of communication with his own family. He is the only relative we have in California. The Dad I mentioned earlier is her Dad not his. We don't really know any of her family. My husband's father died a long time ago. Almost all of their (my husband and his brother's) family is in Michigan (not us, we live in Oregon). His mom is still alive and living in Michigan. I realized while trying to figure the costs out that she was going to have an even harder time. She doesn't have a lot of money. She's retired and basically living on whatever social security she's got now. They didn't have a lot when their Dad was still alive either. She's flown out to visit my husband's brother in California before but of course she stayed with him and he picked her up at the airport and everything. So she had no idea how much a hotel room in wine country California costs. Of course my husband's brother is well aware of her financial situation and ours. I'm not sure he's taken a lot of interest in the wedding planning but I guess I had hoped that if he really wanted his Mom and brother there (his only immediate family still alive) he might have made some effort to do a little research himself and maybe talk to his mom and us. I'm not sure he's even aware of the costs of the hotels that are listed on their wedding info. Sooo my husband and I realised that he's going to have to go alone and try to meet up with his mom at the airport I guess and share transportation and hotel costs once in California. Hopefully she'll be able to afford that.

View Quoted Comment In his 40's, no kids, and working, I find it surprising that brother has not at least said to Mom, I will pay your round trip ticket, and if you coordinate with brother's arrival , we will arrange airport transportation and we will put you and bro up in a 2 bedroom suite. Leaving it up to you two to pay tickets and expenses for one or two. And no major amounts for mom. Or it may be that this far out, he has not given it a thought. But hearing directly from his brother that this really is a hardship, and the question, have you made arrangements for mom, whose Social Security does not go far, might kick start his family thinking. Considering the family size, they cannot be paying much for his relatives, total for the wedding and reception. I hope that a nudge would help to get him thinking.