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Just Said Yes August 2021

Help! i don’t want my mil in my bridal suite

Kyla, on June 21, 2020 at 1:05 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 24

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I am getting ready for my wedding with mom, 4 year old daughter (flower girl), and my bridesmaids (1 sister in law and 4 future sister in laws). As a thank you gift I am having everyone’s hair and makeup done.

My FMIL and I are not close, and asked my fiancé about being in the suite with us and having her hair and makeup done as well. Unfortunately I don’t really enjoy her company and I don’t want her there when I get ready. She doesn’t have a great relationship with her daughters either and her being there would totally change the vibe.
I feel so rude not including her, but asking for things she hadn’t been offered is kind of a pattern and I just don’t want her intruding on this time. I can tell my fiancé is upset / feels bad for her, but seems to understand where I’m coming from.
Do I have to invite her? I thought about having her come at the end for hair and makeup but knowing her she’d show up 2 hours early. I told my fiancé that the bridal websites say MOTG’s usually spend the morning of the wedding with their sons. He said okay, but honestly I feel bad putting him in the position too because I think he’d rather spend that time with his groomsmen.

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24 Comments

Latest activity by Kyla, on June 24, 2020 at 9:14 AM

Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on June 21, 2020 at 1:22 AM
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Nope! She can absolutely get her hair & makeup done but not with you. Your fiancé can say no it’s your time with your bridal party.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 21, 2020 at 1:23 AM
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Yeah I agree it sounds like it would dampen the mood for everyone
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Expert September 2020
· on June 21, 2020 at 3:50 AM
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Just say you’re at the max allowed in the suite. Also seems kinda strange she wouldnt rather be with her son on his wedding day? But he should be the one who has to tell her all that!
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Legend July 2022
Lisa · on June 21, 2020 at 7:26 AM
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Is she able to spend the morning with her son, or are you able to give her anything to help with during the morning of the wedding that would keep her away from the bridal suite (any last minute setup, etc), and then you can send the hair/makeup team over to her once it's her turn? If you're doing a first look or bridal party photos before the ceremony, she could also get her hair/makeup done during this time.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on June 21, 2020 at 7:36 AM
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I agree with PP, can she have her hair and makeup done while you do pre-ceremony photos? That's how I arranged it for my MIL and it worked well for us.
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VIP March 2015
Nefetera · on June 21, 2020 at 7:57 AM
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I feel like it's up to you. Her cominh at the end of fine too i dont see that as an issue at all
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Master October 2021
Mrs.a · on June 21, 2020 at 9:19 AM
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That’s a tough situation because I think she is going to feel like she is being left out. Does she have a spouse? It would make sense if they could get ready together or like you said with her son / your FH, but that is kind of strange for her to be with guys only.
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Master May 2019
Cyndy · on June 21, 2020 at 9:49 AM
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That’s a tough position to be in but it’s your day so I would have your FH just day you want to spend that time with your girls. He can figure out something for her to do. And I love the idea of her getting her hair and makeup done while you do pictures.
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VIP August 2020
· on June 21, 2020 at 11:40 AM
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I actually don't think you need to feel bad about this (not that you're choosing to feel bad, but it can be helpful to hear that from someone else.
If her own daughters don't enjoy spending time with her, she's clearly the difficult one in this situation, not you. It's fine to say that you just want to spend that time with your bridesmaids. If spending time with his mom will stress the groom out that morning, it's also fine for him to say that he just wants to spend time with his groomsmen. If your fmil has anyone who enjoys her company, but understands where the rest of you are coming from, try to get that person to plan to spend the morning with her.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on June 21, 2020 at 1:33 PM
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I wouldn't invite her and I wouldn't feel and about it. I'm going to offer to add H/MU services for my FMIL if she wants them, but honestly she'd have to pay and she wouldn't be invited to do it with us. I'll ask her to do it somewhere else.
If it's going to dampen the mood, you do not have to have her there and it's not something for her to be upset about.
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on June 21, 2020 at 1:48 PM
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Hmm that's a tough position. I wouldn't try to convince your FH that she should spend the morning with him, because that is his special time with his groomsmen and that's really not fair to him. Is there another family member she can spend the morning with? I agree with the people who suggested that you should offer to have her hair and makeup done after the rest of you are finished, when you're getting photos taken or something.
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Super February 2020
Kaysey · on June 21, 2020 at 3:38 PM
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It's a tough position to be in, but if it were me I wouldn't invite her. I'm not trying to be rude, but if you don't have a good relationship with her and it will damper the mood and vibe of your getting ready process, don't do it. Don't do something that you know is going to stress you out or make you worry the day of your wedding.
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Dedicated October 2021
Cassandra · on June 21, 2020 at 4:03 PM
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I'm sorry you are in this situation.
While the idea of having her get ready after everyone else sounds great in theory your bit about her showing up 2 hours early makes it not a possibility. As she is trying to get something that was not offered to her I would tell her no. Say that the hair and makeup artists you hired will not have time to fit another person into thier timeline. Because it is most likely true with 7-8 people already to get done they will be very busy. If she wants to get hair and makeup done she will need to make her own arrangements not try to force herself into your time. Also don't have her pushed into your FH getting ready time they will be doing a completely different get ready routine than hers.
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Just Said Yes August 2021
Kyla · on June 21, 2020 at 4:35 PM
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Thank you! You’re right, I have everything arranged on a schedule and the venue charges hourly for the time I rent the suite beyond 2 hours beforehand. I can say there isn’t enough time. That alone wouldn’t keep her out of the suite though. The trouble is she is divorced, and no one in her family seems to like her much, the two boys are the nicest and they’ll both be in the grooms suite. Maybe we could ask her to show up 30 minutes early to take photos with my FH and then greet the guests from her side of the family? That way she’s sent directly to the grooms area when they’re done dressing and starting pictures?
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Dedicated June 2016
Amazing · on June 21, 2020 at 4:45 PM
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Is it possible, in the name of peace, to have her done up first then shipped off to her son with some excuse of how he would like her with him on such an important day... . Since you stated she is such an early person, I cant see her messing with the schedule much by going first, it makes her feel included which starts the marriage off great, and you guys can turn up the mood( and the flow of mimosas😉) after she leaves.
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Dedicated July 2020
N · on June 21, 2020 at 9:09 PM
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I don’t know. I can see how she can feel left out. Especially since it sounds like most of the other important women are being included. it Is definitely your day so I think you just need to weigh how much your willing to damage that relationship over this...do you have a wedding coordinator? They can usually help with these situations and can probably get a good timeline/run interference for you if she does show up early. If not, you could always try to assign someone to get your FMIL out by giving her a “task” to help after she’s ready, etc...
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Devoted May 2021
Emily · on June 21, 2020 at 11:35 PM
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Agree with everyone else! She doesn't have to be involved! I'm not letting mine get ready with me. It's totally up to you!
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Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on June 22, 2020 at 6:26 PM
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I need some clarification: Are her daughters going to be there? Or DIL's? I have to be honest, as the mother of sons (I have no daughters but let's pretend I do) and my daughters were invited to this shindig and I was not, well......that would not be cool. If I am reading things into this that are not there, I apologize.
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Just Said Yes August 2021
Kyla · on June 22, 2020 at 7:05 PM
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Her daughters are my bridesmaids yes. However all 4 of her daughters were not on speaking terms with her most of their adulthood, and 2 still does not speak to her. The two that now do don’t have a great relationship with her. I know it’s not nice but I just don’t want that kind of tense energy present while I prepare for my wedding, and maybe it’s unkind but I frankly just don’t want her around. She is pushy and offers unwelcome things and advice. I feel like this is my special day and i shouldn’t have to put her first on it.
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Just Said Yes August 2021
Kyla · on June 22, 2020 at 7:12 PM
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Thanks so much for all of the comments! With your help I decided to ask my FH to respond like this:
-She should arrive 45 minutes to an hour before the ceremony and head up to the grooms suite to take photos with him before the ceremony. Then she’ll head downstairs to the entrance area to greet the guests that are in her family and help them find their seats before the ceremony begins.
I said I’ve checked the schedule and the hair and makeup artists I hired for the bridal party are maxed out on time but I can recommend a good hair and makeup artist in the area if she wants to make an appointment at a salon before arriving at the venue.

Now I just have to hope she doesn’t ignore the instructions and show up hours early anyway! Maybe I could ask the venue coordinator to keep an eye out and say the bridal suite isn’t open for visitors before the ceremony
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