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Just Said Yes May 2021

He told me he doesn’t want to marry me anymore

Grace, on August 24, 2020 at 9:46 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 17

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We’ve been together for almost 5 years, been engaged for almost 2 years, and we have two children. The past few months have been absolutely amazing, almost like when we first started dating in the “honeymoon” phase. We never argued, and then all of a sudden yesterday we got in a fight over literally nothing. I don’t even remember how it started, but I definitely remember him saying he doesn’t want to marry me anymore..

After things cooled off he said he didn’t mean it and he doesn’t want to cancel the wedding but i’m so put off now. I was having so much fun planning the wedding to celebrate our love and now it just feels weird. The wedding is in 9 months. We’ve already invited everyone, paid for photography, bought my dress, and a few other things. I don’t want to cancel, there’s no doubts in my mind he’s the man i want to be with. He really is an absolutely amazing man, I don’t know what happened yesterday. It’s put me in a super weird mood and I guess i’m just looking for advice.

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Breann, on August 26, 2020 at 12:36 PM

Master July 2019
Hannah · on August 24, 2020 at 9:48 AM
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I think you 2 should sit down and have a discussion about what he said and how it made you feel. Try to ask him where that came from. A comment like that, even in the heat of the moment, most likely has something behind it, even if it's just him feeling anxious.
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Super October 2020
Emma · on August 24, 2020 at 9:52 AM
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Sometimes when people are mad they say things they don’t mean but know will hurt you. Sit down and have a serious conversation with him. You need to tell him how much it hurt you. Also think about the possibility of couples counseling
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Just Said Yes May 2021
Grace · on August 24, 2020 at 9:52 AM
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We sat down yesterday and talked the whole argument through and he said it was just a heat of the moment comment, that he didn’t mean it but I don’t know. I feel like there has to be something behind it like you said even if it’s small. I’ll try to talk to him again later
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on August 24, 2020 at 10:12 AM
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I'm sorry this has happened to you. Maybe sit down and talk about the situation and let him know that it hurt you. I hope that you two are able to get passed this
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on August 24, 2020 at 10:56 AM
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This. Sometimes some very mean things can be said in the heat of an argument. But it’s a great tune to talk it out and also set boundaries for future arguments.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on August 24, 2020 at 10:56 AM
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Maybe it’s the stress of planning a wedding? It’s for sure an added stress
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Master October 2022
Jana · on August 24, 2020 at 11:17 AM
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So sorry this happened. People often say things they don't mean to rile the other in the heat of an argument. The best thing you can do is have a heart to heart to see what your true feelings are and go forward from there. Is something going on in his life that may have possibly triggered it?
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Master September 2020
Jessica · on August 24, 2020 at 11:28 AM
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I definitely agree that you need tell him how much that hurt and discuss clear boundaries for future arguments. Sometimes things get said in the heat of the moment that we instantly regret, but I honestly feel like that’s just an excuse.
My FH and I have been together almost eight years and we also have two kids. We have gone through some rough times over the years, but pretty early on we both agreed that we will never threaten to break up in a fight. If we decided we couldn’t make it work, we agreed to discuss it like rational adults and not let the end be a screaming match over something stupid one of us said or did. A couple councilor could really help set boundaries and work through disagreements in a more productive way, if you two need a unbiased third party- there’s nothing wrong with getting help.
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Master 0000
Judith · on August 24, 2020 at 11:59 AM
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Children, drunks, and people who are angry frequently spit out the first thing they know will make their opponent maddest, and with all the wedding stuff he went to that. But if he doesn't mean it when calmed down, you are fine.
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Expert September 2020
Emily · on August 24, 2020 at 12:19 PM
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This! Agreements on how to argue "cleanly" are really helpful - and talking about how you know you recover best in an argument (e.g. give me 10 minutes to myself if I need a break). Otherwise this stuff can get *ugly*
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VIP August 2021
Katie · on August 24, 2020 at 1:18 PM
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I don't think you should be thinking about canceling the wedding or feeling weird. People argue and fight all the time and when people get mad they say things they don't mean, yes he shouldn't say that when mad but guess what he is human just like you are. We all make mistakes and sometimes say things that we shouldn't have and don't even mean. I know you are down but you should sit down and have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. And say that even though he said it when he was mad and didn't mean it, it still had an impact on you and how you feel about the wedding planning.
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Expert November 2020
Annika · on August 24, 2020 at 1:35 PM
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I do understand how much it hurts to hear those harse words. My FH and I are going through a LOT of stress right now and we had a fight last week where similar things were said. I drove to McDonalds and got a .50 cent cone and cooled off in a parking lot for a bit before coming back home where we apologized and made up. Sometimes there's a lot of stress and anxiety that you may not see on the outside and even a small seemingly insignificant fight can bring out emotions that make us say things we don't really mean. As long as you keep an open line of communication between you about your feelings, I'm sure you'll be alright.
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VIP September 2023
Erin · on August 24, 2020 at 5:41 PM
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When my FH and I were first starting out, we had an unexpected (but wonderful) surprise that put a lot of added pressure on our relationship. In a HUGE blow out fight he told me he didn't love me, and he wasn't sure he ever had. It wasn't true, but it was what he knew would get to me the most, what would hurt the most. People say things they don't consciously mean in the heat of the moment during a bad fight, and if it's really getting to you, the best thing you can do is sit down and talk about it. Air out how you're both feeling, and try to get to the bottom of why he said what he did. Even if the answer is "because I knew it would hurt you". If you don't get how you're feeling out there, it'll stew until it boils over and ends in an even bigger and more damaging fight. Best of luck.
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on August 25, 2020 at 12:04 AM
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I am definitely going to be the odd one out on this, but the excuse of “saying what they know will hurt you the most” is really unacceptable in a relationship. I would never want to intentionally hurt someone I love nor would my FH. Not even in anger would we do that. We have had arguments and fights, but never have we said things to hurt the other. I believe that people tend to say exactly what they mean in the heat of the moment. It’s easy to say “I didn’t mean it” once you’ve calmed down and thought about the possible outcome of your words, but saying something to intentionally hurt the person you love is not ok.
I’m sorry that he hurt you and a serious heart to heart and perhaps a few couples therapy sessions are in order. Words matter. Always.
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Expert January 2021
Katie · on August 25, 2020 at 1:18 AM
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I agree with this this 100%. I’m the first to admit I can say a lot of hurtful things in the moment, but whether I like it or not, I believe they all have some element of truth to them. There are certain lines you don’t cross and certain things you can’t unhear. This is a big red flag to me.
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Expert November 2020
Shirley · on August 25, 2020 at 4:48 PM
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People fight, so I wouldn't panic. I do think you should take it seriously and really talk it out. Maybe you and FH can write down what you want to say beforehand so you can have a productive conversation. Make sure that there isn't a problem bubbling under the surface that made him blurt out what he did.
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Devoted June 2020
Breann · on August 26, 2020 at 12:36 PM
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It might be helpful to figure out some "disagreement guidelines" when you are both feeling level headed. When we were dating, my husband and I agreed that we would never use name calling or use belittling words in an argument. And if one of us gets too heated, we agreed to walk away and have some alone time to figure out what the root of our frustration really is so we can talk it out more calmly.
Some people don't react well to stress and everyone handles anger differently. Maybe tell him that the behavior is something you haven't seen before so it makes you wonder if it's a reaction to feeling overwhelmed, etc. since those words are very harsh/uncalled for. Is the stress of wedding planning too much? Does he actually not want to marry you? I would wonder these things if it were me so it makes sense that it doesn't sit well with you after the apology.
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