he is using our engagement as leverage...help!

Rethink getting married, i just wanted to get my point across to you that it is that serious that we resolve the issue we had. what??? why couldn't he just say that? instead of using our engagement as leverage over me. the proposal was perfect, the timing couldn't have been better. a girl feels like she finally did something right, and a guy loves her so much he wants to spend the rest of his life with her...and then he goes and takes it back? that can seriously crush some self esteem and cause some trust issues. I give in too much. usually, we argue, i'm upset at him and try to wait for him to apologize to me, 2 days later i'm not really that upset anymore and miss him terribly...so i go to his place and express all the reasons i was upset at him, he apologizes and we are fine. he has never once come to me to apologize. i forgive him immediately and he doesn't have to put forth a bit of effort. i have never been this helpless in a relationship and i have only now realized it.

I'm thinking that all i want from you guys is validation that you would be upset too about him using the engagement as leverage over me...and maybe advice on how i should handle this...i'm thinking about couples couseling.

I would be upset too. I think if he's willing, couples counseling would be a good thing to work all of this out before you guys get married.

Having realized this is the dynamic of your relationship, if it was me, I'd want to make sure that I would be content with it because these things are very difficult to change.

It sounds like some serious counseling is needed. Relationships require work and communication from both sides, if he's not putting in the work then maybe he's not ready to be in the relationship.

Sounds to me like his parents had very good reason to want him to wait a while to get married. He is not acting like he is really mature enough to handle the complexity and commitment of marriage. You are being very aware and mature in recognizing an unhealthy pattern in your relationship and wanting to work on it immediately. NO it is not right for him to throw something as sacred and beautiful as your engagement in your face just to make a point in an argument, so you are not over reacting to that. Counseling is not a bad idea

I know exactly what you mean. i was in the same boat when we were at 2 years we got engaged then i parents talked us into waiting but mostly because i was 18 and he was 21. which did help. weve been together for 6 years now and finally got officially engaged in september and now were getting married in june. but we have been through ALOT three three long months apart and now we've learned to communicate and we talk more because we know and understand how much we care about each other. not trying to disagree with you but, maybe you guys should wait to make sure he is ready and you are ready to deal with his character for the rest of your lives. i find that for us waiting has made our relationship 100 times better. but he shouldnt hold the engagement over your head that is wrong but just talk to him! and if you argue let him go if its time apart u need to make sure your right for each other then take it. be patient things will work out

good luck

This is just my opinion so take it or leave it.

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. You need to realize that this is the person you are wanting to spend the rest of your life with. Definitely get counseling. If he is not willing to do this then take a step back. Take a look. Is he really serious?

Are you ready to buckle after every fight after you are married? There will be a lot, especially in the first few years of blending two people who have been raised differently and have two ways of communicating. Marriage is a lot of work. The work makes it worth it, for sure! Just don't start out feeling like you are over your head.

This is just my opinion...........you two HAVE to go to counseling! If these issues do not get resolved after you get married at every little or big spat is he going to say I want a divorce?! I am sorry to say he doesn't sound very mature & you sound like you are caving at every argument so you don't "loose" his love. That is not healthy.

I am so sorry to sound so harsh. Really I am. But I think his actions are a giant red flag.

I agree that counseling is probably a good idea. But first you need to talk to him. Tell him everything you posted here. Tell him it's unfair and playing dirty to threaten your engagement everytime tempers flair. Point out to him that it is always you making the first move in an attempt to resolve your arguements. Make him understand that if your relationship/marriage is going to work, you need him all in, as a complete partner, and right now you're not getting what you need from him. You also need to realize that you are enabling this unhealthy pattern, because you continue to automatically "forgive" him after you go to him first, pour you heart out, and he says a simple "I'm sorry". You need to stop caving and making it easy for him to be lazy in the relationship. Ask him to go with you to counseling, tell him you need it in order to move forward as a couple. His response should indicate to you how commited he is to you and how invested he is in your future together.

Good luck!!!

I'm sorry your fiance is putting you through this, and his parents might be right on waiting for maturity reasons. My ex-fiance put me through a royal rollercoaster ride with our engagement and now practically has 3 wives (Baseball, Basketball, and Football). He would never give up his sports for a woman whom he wanted to be with. I don't think anyone male or female should use their Engagement as leverage on anyone and jerk them around what their intents are. It is quite hurtful. Only advice I can give you is don't let him jerk you around so much where you feel like you need counceling or wind up in the hospital about it. It's not worth it. No guy is worth it. You deserve happiness and that's all you should be looking for.

I hope u don't feel like people are ganging up on ur relationship but I re-read your post to catch up with everyone's responses and I was really disturbed by u saying that you feel "helpless" in ur relationship. That's really not ok. Your relationship should empower u and support u and give u more strength to face life. A marriage is about a partnership to carry u through life and if u don't feel like u are an equal partner being raised up by your spouse than you need to seriously make some changes. I agree with the previous poster that said there is no harm in waiting. I don't see any reason to rush into anything like this. U have your entire lives to spend together if it's right so why not wait a bit to give him and your relationship the time it needs to mature? Just a lot for u to think about. We all can let emotions rule us when we're in love which is why so many here said counseling might be good.HOnestly though, to START out needing counseling doesn't bode well 4 a lasting future

I can only suggest that you take some time to rethink... people change a lot in their early 20's (I'm guessing this is around where you are) and sometimes it takes some space to feel appreciated. You don't want to go into a marriage with any of this baggage or you're starting your relationship off on a rocky foot- marriage is tough enough.

Marriage, and personal counselling for yourself is not a bad idea at all. My fiance and I (are a little older) and have a solid relationship and are still taking premarital counselling b/c it only gets harder & we want to know how to handle all of the things that may come our way... never a bad idea

best of luck-- but protect yourself-- sometimes you just need some space to think about what REALLY is the best thing for you...

Hello, I am a minister and I work with couples getting married everyday, I am not one to judge at all, but based on your posts, I would definitly say at least this is happening now and not when you are already married, many people have already suggested counseling and this may be a very good idea, see if he changes the way he is, if he keeps "flip flopping" then he is not ready for a stable commitment yet. But like I said at least this is happening now and could possible be fixed, but if it can't be you do not have to go through a divorce, hopefully with counseling it can be fixed, but you might want to sit down and talk to him about things, mention getting help, and see how he reacts. Then move forward from there.

I would recommend talking to your fiance first and ask him to go to counseling. If he doesn't go, please reconsider this relationship. This person you're with should make you feel great about yourself wanting to live each day to the fullest. Yes, there will be difficult times, but to live in your current situation is unacceptable (in my opinion). My mom married my stepdad 33 years ago and it's been the worst 33 years of her life. He is emotionally and verbally controlling and she is submissive to him. My FH is wonderful and makes me believe I can do anything I want to. I just completed my first marathon thanks to his encouragement during training. As much as I don't want to say this about my mom, I know if she passes away before my stepdad, she will die a very sad and lonely person. Please don't let this happen to you. Your fiance has a lot of maturing to do and maybe even some individual counseling on how to treat peope. Please keep us posted and best of luck.

Also if you think what he is making you go through now, being Married without waiting will make you rethink why didn't we wait? My husband and I have almost been married 2 years now and get into little arguements every now and then, however we forgive and forget quite easily and can't stay mad at eachother long. Honestly you don't want to feel like he isn't right for you and your only decision after getting married is to get divorced. My BIL was only married for 2 years (got married when he was 21) and is now 27 and getting married for a second time. Really give yourself time to think is he really right for me or will I be better with someone else? That's what made me question my ex-fiance and my now husband. I literally ended my engagement with my ex-fiance honestly b/c I knew my now husband was someone who wanted to be with me forever and would treat me the way he treats his mom and sister and I have no regrets about my decision.

Also couceling will help out a lot. Really if it feels like you're going to check yourself into a mental hospital over your relationship with him than that should be a drawing point on it's over. Nothing is more emotionally and physically draining and depressing than a relationship where you're thrown on a Roller Coaster Ride and you don't know what to expect one day or another.