Having the ceremony after getting legally married

My apologies Eileen, I didn't mean it to come off rude or condescending. I shouldn't have stated what I did.

Thanks MrsWrs...got it. that's literally all we were saying, to not keep it a secret. I apologized, but hey tear me down, it's ok.

I went to a wedding recently where the bride and groom got married before the "wedding" and tried to keep it a secret. Word got around and people were whispering about it as we waited for the ceremony. Personally, I couldn't care one way or the other, YOU DO YOU. However, there were several people who at least thought it was worth whispering about.

Actually no, a celebration of marriage is not the same thing as a wedding. A lot of people do everything and anything to attend a wedding they are invited to. It is a huge milestone in a couples life. A celebration of marriage is just a party. The couple decided they want to reap the benefits that comes with marriage and run off and get married. Actions have consequences. If I was invited to a celebration of marriage that I had to travel to, I probably wouldn't go. If I had to decide to go to someones wedding or a celebration of marriage on the same day, I would go to the wedding. If you are inviting people to a wedding, you need to get married or the event you are inviting them to is a lie. People need to have all the information to decide on attending and if you leave out the part about being married already, then you have deceived your loved ones.

@kaitlyn are you serious? 'actions have consequences'? Reap what benefits? 'run off and get married'? there are MANY reasons that couples get married before the actual wedding day and none of those are for you to judge. if you don't want to go to the wedding that's your choice - but I would wager that you have actually been to a wedding before that, in your terms, was actually a 'celebration of marriage' because the couple did all of the legal paperwork earlier.

OP, get legally married prior to the day if that is what you want to do. You decide if or how you communicate to people that you are legally married already. You absolutely can still call it a wedding on the invitations.

MrsWrs, yes I do. When you throw away $5,000, take time off work, take kids out of school to attend a wedding just because it was for a family member and you feel obligated to be there just to find out the couple lied to everyone and married prior but tried to hide the fact they were already married you learn a lesson.

@brd2be yes I have been conned and attended a wedding where we found out at the reception that the couple had married earlier. Everyone was pissed, 2/3 of the guests left with the gifts and we all went out together and talked about the couple. The couple has been written off by almost all the family. Lying is gross and lying to people you are supposed to love the most is disgusting.

LOL @ being 'conned' into attending a wedding. you do NOT have to attend every wedding you are invited to. ALSO, no one is condoning lying to your guests.

ETA: LOL and all went out together and talked about the couple. talk about the pot calling the kettle black. you are so disgusted with their behavior but yours sounds equally gross.

Come on...2/3 left? And with the gifts? Were you the leader of that group?

Personally, I don't care what a couple decides to do regarding when and how they get married but I do believe that if they decide to have a courthouse wedding and a big celebration later they should be honest and own up to it. It is no one's business why a couple decides to go that route but I think the adult and mature thing to do is to own up to it.

In my country everybody has to get married in the courthouse first. Religious weddings are not legal otherwise. that is why everybody almost has a gap between courthouse wedding and the reception with the religious or free wedding. 82 million people do not care ...Kaitlyn you seem to be just lovely and a really good friend!

I know several people who have eloped or gotten legally married earlier and still had a formal wedding. Sometimes guests knew the couple had already been legally married, sometimes not, for various reasons. I think it is up to you how to handle it, but this isn't uncommon

Some people just exaggerate so much. That or they sincerely know the shittiest group of people on the planet.

No one cares if you make it official before. Just don't keep it some big secret, even though I'm sure some people won't realize you're already married (they're seriously not going to leave when they find out, people are not that shitty). It's really not a huge thing and I completely support your desire to do this! As PP suggested, just send invitations to your "Celebration of marriage!"

Don't lie. Call it a celebration of marriage.

"I don't get why people care about signing a piece of paper." Well that's the whole damn point for a lot of people. We are celebrating the legal union of two people. If you did that already (AND lied to your guests) it comes off, to me, as, "we got married already but decided now we want presents and money."

I know a PP asked, but, why a court house wedding if you are still having a big party so close?

It's really not that big of deal what you call it on your invitation. Most people don't read with too much comprehension anyway. People look at the date, time, and location and that's about it.

As a community, WW tends to create issues that aren't legitimate in the real world. Do or don't tell your guests. No one will really care either way.

ETA: When I go to weddings, I always bring gifts because it's expected. The argument that you would look "gift grabby" is nonsensical.

So going to celebrate your friends' wedding without the license that day is a waste of 5000?

Then don't go. Problem solved.

"As a community, WW tends to create issues that aren't legitimate in the real world. Do or don't tell your guests. No one will really care either way. " No truer words were ever spoken. Except for cash bars, lol.....

When YOU (that would be a corporate you, not a specific you) or your child needs health insurance, a visa, is about to be deployed and has to be married to make that all happen? Then you come back here and tell us how you didn't do it because it was dishonest and you wanted to get married on the actual day even though no one except four people here really give a shit.

@MrsWrs Yes, many of the poorly hosted weddings I've been too. When I was getting married I was constantly getting advice from these different women about how to turn a profit (but bulk alcohol and charge guests for drinks, money pots for who gets the cake, cutting photographer, etc) I went to a wedding this past weekend that I've even posted about on here, I believe. The lovely bride posted that they turned a profit...on Facebook.

I just don't understand the concept of an elopement (if the courthouse wedding will be that) followed by a big party a few months down the line. Isn't the idea of eloping to avoid the party??

No, as PPs including Celia have said, there's a multitude of reasons for doing a courthouse wedding first. Of course it doesn't make sense if it's meant to be an elopement but I don't think that's what we're talking about here.

ETA: also about that bride who posted on FB....yeah I wouldn't do that but maybe it was taken the wrong way? After the wedding, I was actually very surprised at how generous many of my relatives were with gifting that in my mind, I thought, wow....at the end of the day the wedding didn't cost as much as I expected. I didn't go into it to turn a profit though and it definitely did NOT turn a profit. .

We're dealing with immigration issues, while we've considered going to the courthouse, we'd still be honest about it if we chose to do so.

I guess I just genuinely don't understand why some try to hide it. What the point of hiding it is? I don't care if people elope, but why hide it or be dishonest?

The shit I've seen people do and brag about, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if someone did try to make money from their wedding. I've also seen several posts of people complaining they didn't get cards or gifts and didn't recoup their costs...You're not entitled to a wedding, or gifts. Is it proper etiquette? Yes, but you can't expect to make money back with gifts.

Also find it amusing you slam me for "arguing"....

@Eileen, yes 2/3 left, and the leader of the charge was the groom's father. Mother and father were pissed. Brides family was pissed. I have no problem with people going to the courthouse and have their wedding there and have a party after the fact, just don't lie to people and pass it off as a wedding.

MrsWrs, you must have also missed the comment I made apologizing to Eileen for my comment, hence my edited original comment towards her. I'm an adult and owned up to it. Thus the apology.

I'm well aware of how time frame changes. I never said it's wrong to do it, again, I merely stated to be honest about it. I don't care if people elope and want a big celebration, again, due to OUR circumstances we've discussed this. However, we will also be honest about it. Luckily we've explained to every venue and vendor our situation.

Again, it's the hiding it I don't understand.