Having Non-Bridesmaids?

Wish I would have done this!!! lol

I have not read the article yet but I have a wedding committee. All the members have different roles to assist us..which they all basically volunteered for. Of course they are all activists, so it just kind of fit.

I understand you don't want them to feel the pressure of a bridesmaid, but the article depicts everything my own bridesmaids are, other than the fact they are carrying flowers and they are standing beside me... I guess it just depends on what exactly it is you are looking for. My bridesmaids are my friends so they automatically and willingly fill the roll of what is stated in your article. I'm also paying for their hair and make up, but they're picking out their own dresses.

I don't know. Personally, it would be an honor to stand up next to and for my friend, the bride, but I understand logistically if there was no room. But to answer your last thread with the information from this article, your mom will throw and pay for the shower, but you can ask your "non-bridesmaids" to help set up and decorate.

@Out the Window: Thank you. The comments on that last thread definitely had me second guessing myself. But, I've already sent out that cute little cards I had made, and got a great response. I suppose you're right, that they basically are bridesmaids minus walking down the aisle and standing up. I may end up asking them to stand with me if there is room. They know how indecisive I can be.

Thanks for the feedback, and please keep it coming!

I guess I still don't get it, but if it's working for you then great!

To me on the surface it just soudns like your asking them for help with all the grunt work but without having to coordinate outfits and buy them bridal party gifts. I get that it's not your intent, but that's just how it sounds to me. Like, why wouldn't you just have them be bridesmaids? Or, since it sounds like you don't want a bridal party, just don't have one?

I haven't assigned anyone any tasks or grunt work. Anything they choose to do is completely optional. And, I do intend on getting them bridesmaids gifts. Maybe it was a silly idea...

That website sums up what my bridesmaids did too. Not all of them made it to both the shower & bachelorette parties. Some of them wanted hair & makeup done, others did their own. Only difference is they did stand up with me.

You have good intentions with this thought. A good friend no matter what "role" they play in the wedding will still be a good friend regardless and assist where they can.

I agree that I don't get the crazy vibe from you haha! (By crazy vibe I mean the "OMG Bridesmaid A refuses to spend the whole weekend tying favor bags and I can't believe Bridesmaid B hates this $300 dress that I'm making everyone buy without asking their budget!") I do think that your intentions are good and like I said, if they are on board then that's all well and good.

I really did have good intentions. And all the girls acted very excited about it. I'm just one to always second guess myself. I meant well when I sent the cards out, trying to include them. But, now I feel as though I may have offended them. Now, what? Do I change my mind and talk to them about it? Leave it the same and hope they aren't offended? Ugh...why do I worry so much?!

I feel bad for you, Rach. With the shower confusion, now you're wondering if the whole thing was silly. The wedding, with them in the front row, will still be beautiful. You don't need to have the pageantry of a bridal party; in fact, there's something unique and beautiful about the couple standing on their own. So, don't for a moment think you made a big mistake.

I think my issue with the Practical Bride blog was that it isn't necessary to create a new class of BM and give it a non-title. I think they're hoping that their idea becomes a hip new trend, but it really already exists. Plenty of couples don't have bridal parties -- for many reasons. If those couples choose to honor female guests who would have been bridesmaids (if there were any), they can do that without reminding them of the title they don't have.

I have to ask...are there any nonGroomsmen?

@The Centerpiece: Thank you for your comment. I feel like you truly know how I feel. Yes, he is having 4 guys be there for him, but we haven't mentioned the NGM title to them yet. If you were me, what would you do? I felt like I was doing them a favor when I created the cards, saving them money but still including them. Now, I feel as though I only offended them and no one will admit it to me. Should I scrap the whole thing? Go to them about my concerns? I would LOVE for them to be full on BM with hair/dress/makeup/etc. We can find a way to make them fit. But, now that I've already sent the cards out, how can I change my mind without confusing them more?

I'm sort of doing this but not really putting an official title to it. I have three official BMs which are my two cousins and FSIL.

I guess you can say I have 6 "non-bridesmaids" in that they are my close friends who are helping out where ever they can but will not be standing up with me on the day. I have not asked anything of them but they genuinely want to help out when they are able. I plan on doing something special for them like a girls night out or present. They listen to me complain, helped me pick a dress and are going to my shower and bachelorette party if they can make it. They are all fine with it and are in fact relieved that they do not have the spend the money on the dress, hair, makeup etc...

I also think you had good intentions, but I don't totally get the idea either. The "non-bridesmaid" tasks are basically exactly what my bridesmaids did. Really even more, because none of them except my MOH came dress shopping with me or helped me with wedding tasks like invitations or DIYs (not that none of them offered).

Personally, even though it is a little more money, one of my favorite parts of being a bridesmaid is in fact standing up next to the couple. I do feel honored to have that spot. But that being said, I wouldn't be offended if someone asked me to be a "non-bridesmaid." I think it's a little unnecessary, but it's not offensive, and I'd still be happy to be a part of their day in whatever way they wanted to include me. So if your girls seemed onboard with it, then don't second-guess yourself.

Yes, Rach. If I was you, that's what I would do. I would explain to them that my motives were to relieve financial and emotional stress, and initially, this seemed like a great way to do that. You've got some time before your wedding, so you can change plans and get the word out (people actually have to cancel entire weddings after the invites have gone out, so this isn't that big of a deal, practically speaking).

Just say something like this:

Dear _______________:

When we first began planning our wedding, we always knew that you would play an important role. We wanted you to be more than an invited guest; we wanted you to be around us, supporting us, and linked to us in a specific way. The best way to do that was to invite you to be a member of our wedding party. Then, we began to think about the expenses and stresses you may face as a wedding party member, and we began to look for ways to reduce the problems while maintaining your place of honor.

Cont.

Rach- I sympathize with you. If you are truly concerned about their feelings talk to them one and one, be honest. Say, "I am questioning this whole non bridesmaid thing, and am thinking that maybe I would want you guys up with me, what is your opinion?" and listen to them openly. They might really like this idea, they might rather they got to stand up with you, we can't really say.

I can say, that I changed almost everything about my wedding through the course of 9 months I spent planning it. I flipped and flopped about so many things and some how my girls managed to keep up with me and stay on board with what is going on without a lot of confusion. So, there is hope that if you change your mind, they won't likely be very confused.

We jumped at an idea that seemed like a great compromise, and it was based on a blog site we found. We thought nonBM and nonGM would work be the perfect solution, and I sent all of you invitations to be non-bridal party members. We were trying to give you complete freedom over what you were spending, wearing, and how much time you could devote to the wedding activities. It all sounded great in theory, but in practice, I think we're all kind of confused.

So, with our sincere apologies, would you allow us to rescind the nonBM and nonGM invitations and in their place, extend an invitation for each of you to be traditional bridal party member? In other words, can we start over?

We will do everything in our power to keep your costs to a bare minimum, but we want you to be recognized and honored properly. If you have issues that would prevent your participation, please let us know as soon as possible.

Thanks for understanding.

Sorry, big gap between part one and part two. I hope you can piece it together.

I think y'all are right and I can definitely see how I may have offended some people. I am just going to talk to all of them together and explain how I'm feeling and get their reactions.

@Tatiana: You made me feel a lot better by saying you flipflopped a lot. I am the most indecisive person I know. I saw this idea and kind of did it on a whim, without thinking it through. Guess I should have been more patient.

@Centerpiece & @Laura Nicole: Thank you for both of your responses. You were very nice, but made me understand where I went wrong.

Thank goodness for discussions like this, or I might have gone crazy worrying myself.

@Centerpiece: That's awesome. I will be doing this very soon. Thank you!