Having a hard time with fiancé’s family and am feeling very discouraged.

I didn't talk to my MIL about wedding planning, it helped tremendously.

I personally wouldn't bring up planning with her if you feel she's not being supportive. Some of the best advice I've heard for tempering expectations of other people's excitement and involvement with your wedding is that no one will be ask excited as you (and your FS). I know it can be disappointing when it's your wedding, but for most people, it's just another day. It doesn't hold as much significance to them, so their excitement level will probably be lower. That being said, 3 years is a long way off. It's very difficult for people to excited about an event that far in the future when there are so many other daily life and world matters that they are focused on. You may find that their excitement grows when you're only a few months away, rather than a few years away, from your wedding. I would personally keep planning between you and your FS (or, more realistically, put a hold on any actual planning and just keep a Pinterest board for ideas) for the time being and see if that helps the excitement build once you get closer to your date.

View Quoted Comment It’s hard because I’m marrying her only son and child so she wants to be involved and I also want her to be involved

View Quoted Comment

So, she wants to be involved, but she doesn't want to talk to you about it?

Is your wedding date 3 years out? If so, I can see how she might just want to take some time with the planning... you definitely don't have to figure it all out at once!

I agree with the advice to stop talking about the wedding with her. Three years is objectively a very long time to plan anything. You feel free to go ahead with your planning, but don't consider/worry about involving her until there are decisions she can help with, maybe 9 months out. And even then, only involve her if she's cooperating willingly.

Picking your battles is a REALLY important lesson to learn; no time like the present to practice.

View Quoted Comment She is starting to comes to terms with it and I think it helped that my parents brought it up one night and it wasn’t just me. There’s also a lot of craziness going on in her life as well.

From what I’ve read, it seems like what your going through is very similar to what I went through. My FH is my FMIL’s only son/child as well and she had a rough time coming to terms with us being engaged when it happened and talking about the wedding didn’t go over very well but I eventually learned just to avoid wedding conversations as much as possible as well as trying to get to know her more. With that, it’s gotten better and we’re actually really close now. I still avoid wedding talk but things are better so maybe try that? Hope it helps

Personally I would just stop talking about the wedding with her, she's only going to bring your mood down. Instead keep finding wedding inspiration & talk about wedding plans with your best friends & fiance! We were set to be engaged for almost 3 years (thank you COVID 😭) and I felt like people (family) didn't take us seriously because there was so much time to plan at first, but the reality is planning a wedding is a lot of work and it's always great to be ahead of the game!! Our family didnt take us that serious until we began booking vendors, once that happened everyone was on board!


Since you are a ways out great places to start are putting a guest count estimate together - this will help you find venues & make a wedding budget. Also create a wedding budget - it's great to do this early on so you can set and plan a realistic budget and this will help you find vendors in your price range. There are so many things to you can do early on 🙂!
Congrats on your big day!! ❤

Literally have the exact same situation over here. Honestly, it's just not discussed at all with her unless she asks. Even then we only disclose info that we know wont set her off. My parents are paying a large part so all the planning is done between us and we just fill in his family as needed

Hi and Congratulations 🍾 have you spoken to your FH and expressed what you’ve been dealing with? He should discuss this with his mother and let her know that he chose you to be his wife and to please respect you . I’ll leave it at that

I cannot think of anyone I would spend more than 15 minutes at a time with talking about any details of anything happening 3 years away. Not my daughters, not my sons, not my sisters, brothers, cousins or friends. Because I have seen so many people make elaborate plans for, when we get married in 3 years, or buy a house, or get particular jobs, or live a certain life style. And I cannot think of any where even a quarter of their specific plans happened without a major overhaul in over 2 years. Prices change so drastically in some things, you go from boho to Paris chic or a sort of Goth pirate. Keep some of the plans, things like a general budget and numbers, just between you and FI. How to save to pay everything yourself for your wedding, counting on nothing from others. Type of wedding, formal or casual, religious or civil. Favorite songs. Plan only with him, and keep it short. Many a bride and more grooms are so totally sick of discussing anything wedding, by the time they are six months out, if they started at 18 months. And it causes fights. You don't know that a particular venue will exist in 3 years. Or your caterer. Or your ideal photographer. Fashion and wedding industry people plan out changes in available colors for merchandise, so every 2 years to max 3 all colors change. All bridal and BM gowns except classic designs change, and with them, all accessories.
At 38, I have had fewer years to see plans get done and redone, than most MOB or MOG. And I like weddings. But I see that there is a reason for the traditional planning period starting no further out than 15-18 months, just the skeleton of budget and size and thinking of venues and thinking of wedding parties.
But not sharing with anyone but the Groom, or a professional, til a year. And not announcing a wedding party any earlier than 9-12 months out. Read on the forums, the number of brides totally upset that their bridesmaids have stopped spending time with them, won't even discuss parties, or dresses, won't return calls or texts, and are making new friends, or moving, or have started their own wedding plans and are dropping out. And you look at the date, it is 10 months to 18 months til the wedding, and the bride has already burned through friends, when there is no need for BM or MOH to discuss anything before 6-8 months. Seriously, it is a social skills issue. To know who you share any specifics of planning with, and who you don't. And when. If FMIL has gone from interested to eye rolling, you need stop over sharing, and to dream and plan yourself. No specifics you are not willing to completely redo twice in 3 years. Don't burn through your whole support system, or lose loved ones including the interest of FI. Dream as you will, and keep an idea notebook. But put your energy into enjoying being in love. Learn to plan a simple dinner party for 6-8-12-16 people. Cook for that many, yourself. Make and keep couple friends. Plan romantic getaways. Invest in a few hobbies which may be helpful come wedding or house decorating time. Learn to make real jewelry, then do a few headpieces or hair jewelry things you might use for your wedding. Do it with friends, or take classes. Learn more cooking. Buy an older style cookbook, even a used book store one. Ones that tell you everything you need to know to entertain, set party menus. Get an etiquette book that does not teach, do this, do that. But instead tells you why people think one way of doing things is nicer than another. You may make totally different choices than your friends and parents, but want to keep in mind, how to do whatever in a way that will please or at least not alienate others. Not just weddings, but social manners from work to funerals. Make or buy real paper invitations for parties you hold, if you never have. Try out formal linens and centerpieces, candles and colors. And budgets. But keep this non-specific to your wedding. And whatever you do, don't ask your wedding party too early. ...... I was widowed months after my first wedding. When I married just 5 years later, computers were suddenly everywhere, smartphones existed, computerized registries started, Save the Dates were new, just beginning to be common. Almost no one had bachelorettes, til Reality TV started between my weddings. My quiet small town bookstore owner and technical librarian groom was now a Brooklyn city boy, an engineer. Only child ( 3 generations, both sides) now a guy with a hundred relatives he sees regularly, 12 of them brothers and sisters. And I had changed professions, been in and out of the Army, lived in 3 big cities, and one other country, for 9 months to a year, and travelled from Alaska to the Andes to Greenland to Europe. 5 years. I had 2 BM I knew when young, never considered as BM then. And 2 I had met in the last 2 years. In the that time 5 siblings and way over half my friends had married. I changed. My tastes and preferences changed. And I cannot think of any 2 year span 17-26 when I would have made and been happy with the same choices, beginning to end of that 24 months. But every plan I made with this man, 25-26 years old, 10 + years later, I would do again. A 5 month engagement, formal gown and style, 170 plus WP. Knew how to do each step by then.... So I do not mean this to be disheartening. But to say, live life now. Work on love and romance. Learn useful social skills . Be healthy and physically fit. And don't come to resent your FMIL. She really likely has been there, done that, with people planning early, before. And seen how little there is that does not get redone. So dream, and do things that will keep you a vital, growing, interesting person.

I cannot think of anyone I would spend more than 15 minutes at a time with talking about any details of anything happening 3 years away. Not my daughters, not my sons, not my sisters, brothers, cousins or friends. Because I have seen so many people make elaborate plans for, when we get married in 3 years, or buy a house, or get particular jobs, or live a certain life style. And I cannot think of any where even a quarter of their specific plans happened without a major overhaul in over 2 years. Prices change so drastically in some things, you go from boho to Paris chic or a sort of Goth pirate. Keep some of the plans, things like a general budget and numbers, just between you and FI. How to save to pay everything yourself for your wedding, counting on nothing from others. Type of wedding, formal or casual, religious or civil. Favorite songs. Plan only with him, and keep it short. Many a bride and more grooms are so totally sick of discussing anything wedding, by the time they are six months out, if they started at 18 months. And it causes fights. You don't know that a particular venue will exist in 3 years. Or your caterer. Or your ideal photographer. Fashion and wedding industry people plan out changes in available colors for merchandise, so every 2 years to max 3 all colors change. All bridal and BM gowns except classic designs change, and with them, all accessories.
At 38, I have had fewer years to see plans get done and redone, than most MOB or MOG. And I like weddings. But I see that there is a reason for the traditional planning period starting no further out than 15-18 months, just the skeleton of budget and size and thinking of venues and thinking of wedding parties.
But not sharing with anyone but the Groom, or a professional, til a year. And not announcing a wedding party any earlier than 9-12 months out. Read on the forums, the number of brides totally upset that their bridesmaids have stopped spending time with them, won't even discuss parties, or dresses, won't return calls or texts, and are making new friends, or moving, or have started their own wedding plans and are dropping out. And you look at the date, it is 10 months to 18 months til the wedding, and the bride has already burned through friends, when there is no need for BM or MOH to discuss anything before 6-8 months. Seriously, it is a social skills issue. To know who you share any specifics of planning with, and who you don't. And when. If FMIL has gone from interested to eye rolling, you need stop over sharing, and to dream and plan yourself. No specifics you are not willing to completely redo twice in 3 years. Don't burn through your whole support system, or lose loved ones including the interest of FI. Dream as you will, and keep an idea notebook. But put your energy into enjoying being in love. Learn to plan a simple dinner party for 6-8-12-16 people. Cook for that many, yourself. Make and keep couple friends. Plan romantic getaways. Invest in a few hobbies which may be helpful come wedding or house decorating time. Learn to make real jewelry, then do a few headpieces or hair jewelry things you might use for your wedding. Do it with friends, or take classes. Learn more cooking. Buy an older style cookbook, even a used book store one. Ones that tell you everything you need to know to entertain, set party menus. Get an etiquette book that does not teach, do this, do that. But instead tells you why people think one way of doing things is nicer than another. You may make totally different choices than your friends and parents, but want to keep in mind, how to do whatever in a way that will please or at least not alienate others. Not just weddings, but social manners from work to funerals. Make or buy real paper invitations for parties you hold, if you never have. Try out formal linens and centerpieces, candles and colors. And budgets. But keep this non-specific to your wedding. And whatever you do, don't ask your wedding party too early. ...... I was widowed months after my first wedding. When I married just 5 years later, computers were suddenly everywhere, smartphones existed, computerized registries started, Save the Dates were new, just beginning to be common. Almost no one had bachelorettes, til Reality TV started between my weddings. My quiet small town bookstore owner and technical librarian groom was now a Brooklyn city boy, an engineer. Only child ( 3 generations, both sides) now a guy with a hundred relatives he sees regularly, 12 of them brothers and sisters. And I had changed professions, been in and out of the Army, lived in 3 big cities, and one other country, for 9 months to a year, and travelled from Alaska to the Andes to Greenland to Europe. 5 years. I had 2 BM I knew when young, never considered as BM then. And 2 I had met in the last 2 years. In the that time 5 siblings and way over half my friends had married. I changed. My tastes and preferences changed. And I cannot think of any 2 year span 17-26 when I would have made and been happy with the same choices, beginning to end of that 24 months. But every plan I made with this man, 25-26 years old, 10 + years later, I would do again. A 5 month engagement, formal gown and style, 170 plus WP. Knew how to do each step by then.... So I do not mean this to be disheartening. But to say, live life now. Work on love and romance. Learn useful social skills . Be healthy and physically fit. And don't come to resent your FMIL. She really likely has been there, done that, with people planning early, before. And seen how little there is that does not get redone. So dream, and do things that will keep you a vital, growing, interesting person.

Hello There,

I believe most of the newly engaged reacts the same. We all get excited when we got the ring and tend to have the wedding planned out the next few months.

I was that at first--motivated, nervous, and excited at the same time. Many of the people around me think I am over-react because we had a 2-year engagement. After a few months of trying to contact the vendors, the calendar was not open on the year we wanted. I was very stressful too. Until now, I still have a little more than a year to our wedding date, and people keep criticizing I am planning it too early. But gurl, everything has there own dream wedding, and it is different for everyone. Marriage today is not like 20 or 30 years ago.

Here is my recommendation, brainstorm your ideas out with your fiance. The wedding is about you two and for you two. You can have alternative ways of planning than trying to talk to his mom because maybe what you want is not what she wants. Do survey (there are a few on Wedding Wire) to have an idea of what style truly fits your personality. Then browse around and ask for quotes online. The perks of having a long engagement are you have plenty of time to browse around and to find places that offer better value. You can connect with some of your girlfriends to go to bride cons (some of them are free), that they are providing food tasting from different vendors, see all the decorations. It is okay to browse slowly first and lock the venue later (best timing would be a year + a few months in advance of the date you plan to have your wedding reception).

When it comes to that time, you can sit down and give options to both moms so they can get involved. Don't worry if they do not have a chance to participate; there is plenty of events they can join you in getting ready for your big day. Invite them a few months before the wedding to go with you (pick out your wedding dresses, pick out flowers for the bouquets, flowers for the corsages).

PS: if you can, get your mom to go with you when you invite your fiance mom, she will be more easy-going when you have your mom.

Good luck & have fun planning.

Congrats on the engagement!

View Quoted Comment First rule of fight club 😊

I’ve been having this problem as well! What has helped me is my mom. My mom’s support has changed my view so many times. I don’t have many friends so it is pretty hard to be excited for our wedding but thankfully my mom helps a lot. Its good to have support, at least from one person. Also, marrying your best friend helps too. there have been times when I am stressed out or feeling a bit discouraged and my fiancé helps me by making me laugh or just holding me. At the end of the day this is your day. The day that connects you with your spouse and that also helps.

If she wants to be involved, I'd just let her come to you. Three years is a long time. I was bummed about being engaged during a pretty crappy time in human history, so I got a subscription to one of those bride boxes that send you bridal related items each month, and it helped me feel a bit more festive. Congratulations on your engagement!

Wait... 3 years?!

Well here's one side of the issue: Planning discussions for an event that's 3 years away. For now, just focus on living life, gaining life skills, being in love, maintaining a relationship, and coming up with a rough idea of how you and your FS want your wedding to be...big? small? fancy? laid-back? I definitely understand your excitement of wanting to flip through bridal magazines/websites, pick out dresses, etc...it's so exciting! Especially if you just got engaged! But if it's 3 years away, planning/discussing details with anyone (except your FS) isn't feasible for 3 years straight. Especially if that person is having a tough time for any reason these days (pandemic, work life, home life, etc).

Here's the other side of the issue, if I'm understanding correctly: Your FMIL hasn't expressed excitement about your engagement to her son. That's a tough one. One strategy would be to dial back the planning talk a little bit and see if she gets more interested when it *is* finally brought up again. Maybe you could ask her for her advice? Ask her about her wedding and what she would do again vs. do differently? She might appreciate you asking her for advice - I think it would make it more clear to her that you are excited to be her future daughter-in-law and that you respect her opinion.

View Quoted Comment I think you’re super sweet for involving her but just know that he is your only husband , your only wedding , your only chance to make sure it’s special . The best compromise is giving her one think to control that you may not be a big sacrifice. For instance , I’m letting my fiancé’s mom plan my bridal shower . Whatever she wants to do and I’ll just show up. It’s less stress on me and I won’t have to deal with backlash from any guests.