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Devoted August 2018

Had to let go of a bridesmaid 1 month out

Priscilla, on July 13, 2018 at 6:44 AM Posted in Planning 0 29

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I have a friend who I've know for over 10 years and is a goid person. Earlier this year after accepting bridemaid duties, she told me that 1st she wouldn't be able to attend my bachelorette party because its her birthday weekend (which her bday is the Monday before). Then she said the bm dress that was $100 is too expensive (I picked up a 2nd job at davids bridal so my girls could have a discount). She also said that she wouldn't make the rehersal because she had bday plans. At this point (around April), I told her that she didnt have to be in the wedding because I feel that's it's interfering with her 30th bday and I know that's a big day. Of course she begged me to stay in the wedding. She's been pretty rude to the other bms this whole time and its truly hurt my feeling that she thinks its ok to be rude to the other girls.

Last night (1 month out from wedding), she told me she may not come to the reception because the bm have to wear white dresses and she may be on her period. I had enough at that point. I told her that while she is still my friend I think it's because that I move forward without her. I need my bm all day not just for the ceremony or when you feel like it. She's complained this whole time about how the other girls look better than her in their dresses (she said this to my other bm face which made them uncomfortable) in which everyone picked their own dress. I never felt the support from her at all that I have given her throughout our friendship at all. It's just crazy and I'm sad but can longer accommodate her for my day.

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29 Comments

Latest activity by Sarah, on July 13, 2018 at 2:34 PM

Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 6:45 AM
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I also offered to buy her dress back from her so she wont feel like she lost money.
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Mim · on July 13, 2018 at 7:08 AM
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You may have told her she's still your friend, but don't expect her to still consider you a friend. Dropping a bridesmaid is a crappy and potentially friendship ending move.

All the details about birthdays and bachelorette parties and what have you are unimportant. You have bridesmaids to honor the relationship you have with them, not the other way around. The only things wedding party members have to do is show up in the correct attire, get down the aisle, and smile for pictures, anything else is a lovely bonus.

I have to ask, when you asked her what her budget was for the dress, what did she say? Also, I would have offered to let the bridesmaids change into other dresses after the ceremony and pictures. White is not a fun color to party in.
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Mim · on July 13, 2018 at 7:11 AM
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Oh, I also wanted to say that this situation is potentially salvageable. If you sincerely apologize for losing your mind over wedding details, and let her know how much you value your relationship, she might be able to forgive you and move beyond the hurt.
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Master July 2020
Neffe · on July 13, 2018 at 7:13 AM
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Hi Priscilla! I’m sorry to hear this. I understand things can get difficult, and sometimes you have to just make the best decision for your situation. Are your wedding plans still okay even though you’ve removed a bridesmaid?
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Dedicated September 2019
Maria · on July 13, 2018 at 7:14 AM
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I'm with Mim. Everything you described does not sound like a reason to remove her from the bridal party. Especially the period one. I feel truly bad for your friend and she probably feels awful and embarrassed. I have heavy periods and I avoid white like the plague when I'm on it. I wouldn't have wanted to wear a white dress either.
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Devoted September 2018
Bri · on July 13, 2018 at 7:15 AM
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All of this.
Also if you told her back in April all that about how she didn't need to be in the wedding anymore just over her birthday, she is probably still hurting over that.

100 dollars could be a lot for her. Maybe she's having financial problems. I know if I had to buy a bridesmaids dress right this minute (planning my own wedding aside) I would have a hard time coming up with it.
You could lose her as a friend forever.
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Master July 2017
Going to the chapel · on July 13, 2018 at 8:36 AM
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While I know that the situation is frustrating, you describe her as a good person and a long time friend. Those two factors should over rule the fact that she won't attend the bachelorette and rehearsal. As another poster said, white is a pain to try and party in. Let your BMs change for the reception. Pictures will be done so what difference does it make? Aren't friendships more important than what your head table or any other consideration would look like?
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 8:45 AM
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The whole birthday thing was her. She basically said she wouldn't come to the rehersal because she's having a bday dinner (which she she isn't, she just was giving me excuses).

She said her budget was $200 in which she spent half. My bridesmaid are changing into different dresses for the reception. My reception is an all white reception (in which she brought the idea up lol).

Bottom line is she said dhe wasn't going to be able to come to the reception and thats not ok. She also said a bunch of other stuff the past year that is straight up rude and uncalled for.
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 8:46 AM
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Yes. Its no biggie my sister stepped in. She already matches the color scheme.
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 8:48 AM
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Its not just this. Theres soooo many other things I just didnt want to write a book on wedding wire. Also, she does not have heavy periods (she has told me that before and shes about 90lbs).
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 8:49 AM
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The reception is am all white party (I won't dont have a head table). She also told me she may not have a babysitter. Theres a lot more to the story.
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 8:55 AM
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The lesson learned for me is you can't try to reignite a friendship. She is a good person no doubt. She and I have simply grew apart over the years (college and kids) and I thought being a bridesmaid would help us grow close again. I've been the easiest bride to work with. Everything I've brought up or said has received a rebuttal with her and its unacceptable. If someone is completely rude, non supportive, and basically acts like they dont want to be a part of the day why have them? I could go on about the ways she's been this past year but I don't feel like it. And for those of you asking about our friendship, it really doesn't matter at this point. We weren't close before and she took the news well (I think she is relieved since she just had another friend pass away).
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Mim · on July 13, 2018 at 8:57 AM
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I stand by my advice. Kicking a bridesmaid out is a friendship ending move. If you want to sal salvage the relationship, apologize and let all the nonsense go. Rehearsals aren't that important. As long as she shows up in the correct attire and gets down the aisle you'll be good to go.
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 8:59 AM
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I wouldn't apologize because I did nothing wrong. If only you could see our text. She says things that makes me think she wants an out and its something new everyday.
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on July 13, 2018 at 9:03 AM
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You seem pretty set and you already replaced her so it is what it is I guess. I wouldn’t expect to be friends with her going forward though.
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 9:04 AM
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This is how the bday conversation went. She said Priscilla send me the dates of your events.
July 7th shower
August 10 bacherloette party
August 11th rehersal
August 12 wedding day

She literally told me in April. I can't come to the shower because I have to work. I cant come to the bachelorette party because im getting my hair done that day (mind you the party starts at 8)
I can't come to the rehersal because Im have a bday dinner (rehersal is at 1pm and we had that set set already.

I simply responded ok. She said are you going to be able to make it to my dinner. I told her no because its the night before my wedding duh.

Her bday is the 8th. Which I cant tell her when to celebrate her bday but how would you fewl is your bm said that to you
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Mim · on July 13, 2018 at 9:06 AM
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Then don't apologize. Just don't expect your friendship to survive.
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 9:13 AM
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I really didnt expect her to talk to me afterwards. Believe me this wasn't impulsive. After she told me she wasn't coming to the reception, I definitely consulted with my mom (who likes her) and pursposely not my other bridal party members because they've known her for years and dont like her. But after I told her she asked me if I wanted to shop with her this weekend to find her a bday dress. So I truly feel that she is relieved and just wants to have an extravagant 30th bday. Something someone probably couldn't do if there isn't much time.
Just some background. She has a good job and makes quite a bit of money so that was never the issue. And she asked me to be a bridesmaid before I chose my bridesmaids and my fault but I felt pressured to say yes. I guess we both bit off more than we could chew.
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Savvy September 2018
Amanda · on July 13, 2018 at 9:47 AM
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I agree with your choice. We may choose them to honor the relationship but it’s a two-way street they should also honor the duties of being in the wedding and supporting us as the bride.
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Devoted August 2018
Priscilla · on July 13, 2018 at 10:07 AM
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Thank you.
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