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Nicole
Savvy May 2021

Guilt Tripped

Nicole, on February 9, 2021 at 12:44 PM Posted in Community Conversations 2 44
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Ok my 2021 brides! I need to vent for a second and get some thoughts on this subject.


My fiancé and I are getting married on May 30 (less than four months away 🎉).
We changed the location due to Covid protocols back in November and sent out new Save the Locations cards before Christmas.
My cousin and I had a conversation last night over the phone because she had “concerns” about our wedding... oh, she’s also a bridesmaid.
She started making me feel guilty because we are moving forward with our wedding and asked if we can limit the amount of guests, yet she’s going to hop on a plane and stay in a hotel for our wedding but wants us to limit how many people we have.
She also asked me how I would feel if someone got Covid while attending my wedding potentially from someone who could be contagious.
The only words I could utter out of my mouth were, “We have thought about postponing, but we are going to move forward with our wedding. If someone doesn’t feel comfortable coming, then they do not have to come. We are not forcing anyone to attend.”
Needless to say, I was shocked and deeply hurt and felt disrespected.
Have any of my bride friends on here been through something similar?

44 Comments

Latest activity by Kari, on February 23, 2021 at 7:44 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
    • Flag
    I agree that she was overstepping by asking you to limit the guest list, but I don’t understand how she was being disrespectful. She asked how you would feel if someone caught a potentially deadly virus at your wedding, it sounds like she cares. You’re getting married in a pandemic, you should expect some people to feel uncomfortable. Staying in a hotel room, alone or with a date, is far from the same as going to a wedding with potentially hundreds of strangers.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    Woah she can just opt out if she's that worried.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Savvy May 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    We absolutely understand that some people will feel uncomfortable. They will be missed at our wedding, but everyone is an adult and can make their own decisions. I felt disrespected at the way she communicated the way I should have my wedding since it is our day. She's been going to Vegas and Chicago.

    • Reply
  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
    • Flag

    I mean, she's not wrong. I am also a May bride and have the same thoughts every single day. It's really a no-win situation. Smiley sad I do think weddings can still happen, they just need to have lots of safe, responsible modifications in place. Conventional weddings just aren't possible right now. Is there something about your wedding specifically that she may be reacting to (i.e. you're still inviting a large guest list, you aren't requiring masks, etc.)?

    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Savvy May 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Our vendors will be wearing masks and gloves. Our wedding is outside too.

    • Reply
  • Biaani
    Expert May 2021
    Biaani ·
    • Flag

    We too are getting married in May. It's law here in NYC to get a swab test 3 days before the event for everyone attending. So our family like that as do we. I don't know if you guys are doing that too. I would tell her "We're going through with the wedding and would love for you to be a part of it. However we understand if you would feel safer doing so through zoom (or something similar)".

    • Reply
  • Ava
    Super May 2022
    Ava Online ·
    • Flag
    I think your response was perfect. You acknowledged the fact that you have considered postponing due to the pandemic, but have decided to move forward with your wedding. You did not admonish her for having concerns and did not try to guilt her into doing something she does not feel safe/comfortable with. Realistically this may not be the last time someone close to you voices their concerns. The best thing you can do is just accept this comes with the territory when you choose to have a wedding during a pandemic, make sure you have safety precautions in place during your event, and just remain understanding and respectful of those guests who do not feel comfortable attending.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Savvy May 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Absolutely, 100%. Thank you, Ava.

    • Reply
  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
    • Flag
    It sounds like she was honest about how she felt, and I’m sure it was hard for her as well to talk about it this way. A lot of people are on edge over Covid, and have different comfort levels for different things. I think what you answered was for wand not sure what more you could say.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
    • Flag
    Was perfect*
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Beginner September 2021
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag
    First off I’m sorry that you were made to feel guilty about having your own wedding.
    I COMPLETELY agree with the “if someone doesn’t feel comfortable coming, please don’t” ideology.

    I understand that covid still exists, but it’s also up to you if you want to have a wedding or not and up to your guests to decide if they’re comfortable coming or not.
    Best of luck!!
    • Reply
  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
    • Flag
    You’re going to get really mixed responses on this one. At the end of the day, none of us are to say where other people’s comfort zones lie when it comes to anything, especially covid. I don’t think either of you are wrong necessarily. I would just let her know that truly, if she isn’t comfortable, she doesn’t have to come and there will be no hard feelings. If that’s truly how you feel, she likely won’t come with the current guest count. I don’t think comparing a large wedding to traveling is fair given one you are in control of and one you are not, again, we really shouldn’t be judging others boundaries during this time.
    • Reply
  • Expert September 2021
    ·
    • Flag

    If she's willing to get on a plane, but feels uncomfortable at your wedding, she's confused lol.

    A friend of mine went to NYC this past week and said the plane was worse than NYC - no social distancing whatsoever.

    As a bride dealing with some of the same issues, I say DO NOT feel guilty about having your wedding. If she isn't comfortable, I would tell her not to come - although it may not be ideal to not have her there, that's her choice! And you have to understand her decision.

    But absolutely do not feel guilty. A wedding of 15, or a wedding of 100, you can't "get away" from COVID. I know people who have done next to nothing since last March and have still gotten it. Have your wedding! Anyone who doesn't want to come, doesn't have to!

    Best of luck gal!

    • Reply
  • Expert September 2021
    ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    If she is traveling to Vegas, her not wanting to come to your wedding because of safety is kind of total crap. In my opinion!

    • Reply
  • ArizonaDreaming
    Dedicated September 2021
    ArizonaDreaming ·
    • Flag

    My cousin, my younger sister, and my older sister are all pregnant and due a few months before the wedding. They all live out of the state. I told them that I do not want them to attend. When I explained my reasoning, they understood and agreed that it was for the best. They would be getting on a plane, traveling across country, to attend a wedding with people they do not interact with on a daily basis. I told them that I do not want their babies, them, or their families being put at such a risk. We are doing a zoom broadcast for the event to lessen the blow of our loved ones not being there with us. I would def bring this option forward for your cousin as she seems concerned.

    • Reply
  • Claudia
    Dedicated November 2021
    Claudia ·
    • Flag
    I think your response was solid. Everyone has varying opinions and some are more concerned about the pandemic than others but, as you stated to her, no one is forcing her to go. I'm sorry this happened.
    • Reply
  • E
    Devoted July 2023
    Eniale Online ·
    • Flag

    I think you responded well.

    My personal opinion: she approached this poorly and inappropriately. Her concerns are valid, but she should have raised those concerns without telling you to cut your guest list or guilting you about "what if someone catches it?" She should have simply said, "I'm concerned about the pandemic and I wonder what measures you're taking to make this a safe experience for everyone - is there anything I could help with or recommend?"

    I think she is coming from a good place, but went about it completely wrong. As such, I think your hurt feelings are perfectly valid.

    But I also think you will get other guests who handle it equally poorly, and you will need similar grace to respond. Maybe something a little gentler to guests, like "I appreciate your concerns. Here's what we are doing (if anything) to make this experience as safe as possible. While we do hope we will see you in attendance, we completely understand if that isn't reasonable for you." And if it comes up with the cousin again, I would firmly assert that as well.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    Yes I have but not from guests.


    To start we are getting married on August 14 2021. We have limited our guests count to 60 because we decided to just have it in the backyard where it will be completely outside (we do have a tent with 4 walls but won't be putting the walls up unless the weather makes us). We are social distancing the chairs for ceremony by six feet front back side to side, we are providing masks, a bottle of sanitizer will be at each table, and we will be seating everyone by household. We are doing everything we can to ensure that we are doing our part. We are really doing what we can to not postpone because we are ready for the next chapter in our life and that is to start having kids.
    We do have people who aren't even on the guests list tell us how selfish we are to continue with our wedding. I literally had someone tell me how we are going to kill people with our selfishness and we are horrible people for risking peoples lives. But it's like I say we are doing what we can to make sure we are doing are part to protect our guests while still having the wedding. I agree with you also that if people don't feel comfortable enough attending the wedding then they don't have to.
    • Reply
  • Tee
    Dedicated October 2021
    Tee ·
    • Flag
    First, I definitely empathize with you. It’s a tough time for all couples now. There’s so much uncertainty, and it makes sense people will have concerns. Her concerns of course are valid but I also hear that she’s inconsistent in terms of her fear/concern about the virus if she is traveling. I’m hearing thats some of the frustration for you as well. I think you responded well. People can and will make their decisions. It’s always a bit more hurtful when it’s family (especially when they’re traveling etc) and/or someone in the wedding party
    • Reply
  • D
    Just Said Yes April 2021
    Dominique ·
    • Flag

    I had this same issue. My sister and many ppl around me are covid crazy. So I decided that I would have a Micromony with up to 50 ppl and host a zoom wedding for all of those who are hesitant about being in places with others. I also change the location to it being outdoors. Lastly because I have a large family I said that I would do the micromony and zoom wedding this year and have a large wedding for our 1 year anniversary (if covid permits). This actually works out because its cheaper and I Can take my time with planning. Don't get discouraged because of others thoughts but think about the entire picture. This is your special day so the only ppl that really matter is you and your soon to be spouse. Think about all of your options and what YOU want to do for YOUR special day.

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