Guest list issue // can i cancel an invite over a personal falling out?

View Quoted Comment This. I wouldn’t rescind an invite based on second hand information.

I think I’ve said “I didn’t think we were that close” about an invite before, but I didn’t mean it with any ill will or disinterest in the event. I was thrilled to celebrate with them. I was just surprised because it was a couple of couples handpicked out of a larger friend group, and I was surprised that we were among the ones that made the cut.

So, I’d be wary of the hearsay bit.
i wouldn’t uninvite without having a conversation with them

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I hear you about the gossip. I think that he (actually a male bridesmaid, a bridesman if you would) was concerned on my behalf, and was trying to help. But it is a little dramatic and I'm doing my best to take it with a grain of salt and be mature.

What happened was a few unexpected expenses popped up and I had to cut my guest list and a few other nonessential luxuries, which sorta bummed me out. (Luckily I actually didn't send STDs to everyone, so I was able to do this!) Then my bridesman said "just don't invite [person's name] because he said..." and the gossip ensued.

You can see why I'm so tempted to cut these people, being so financially strapped. I'm also pretty emotionally vulnerable, since clearly I was considering these people with higher regard than most of my other guests--they got save the dates and everything!

I'm going to have to talk to them or I won't feel ok. That's all there is to it.

Meh we are dealing with something a little similar, but much more in our face about what a horrible human they are, and no we aren't paying $200 for them. This will come of no shock to them. Our marriage counselor recommended that we (my fiance) has a convo with them to tell them why they won't be getting the formal invitation. But he doesn't want to do that and cause more drama, so we just took them off the list and thats that. They aren't my friends so I'm not concerned. You need how to decide how you want to move forward with these people in general, take the wedding out of it. Then proceed.

I would just skip the invite. If they truly feel that way about you and you don't mind losing their friendship, then the one day of your life dedicated to honoring your marriage and the people who have brought you to that point shouldn't include them.

I've had so many people whom I thought were good friends LIE to me over the years about what others supposedly said about me that I feel you can't take your bridesmaids versions of this as gospel. Why would people who supposedly care about you be so quick to tell you mean things that other people said? What was the point of this? To stress you out, or to ensure that "they" don't have to see people they don't like at your wedding because they're petty or childish or jealous?

I actually have a very small circle of friends now due to this. There seem to be some jealousy/insecurity issues that pop up with other people whom I hang out with sometimes, and I've noticed over the years that it's not just me being "conceited" to jump to jealousy as a cause first-other women who are similarly jerked around also seem to have the same issues. If you are the most secure, successful, happily married or prettiest amongst your circle, there will be others trying to bring you down a peg or two. Career success and a happy relationship are the two biggest targets for this nonsense, and it sucks.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this right now. Just continue socializing with the supposed "non" friends as you always do, and send their invites. I have a strong feeling you'll see by their actions that they DO like you too.

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Thank you for your supportive words! I'd like to believe that all my problems with others stem from jealousy :-)

I think that he (actually a male bridesmaid, a bridesman if you would) was concerned on my behalf, and was trying to help. But you are right him telling me about what "he/she said" is a little dramatic and I'm doing my best to take it with a grain of salt although it is triggering my teenaged lizard brain. It's very personal, but there's also a practical reason as to why I'm so bothered by this:

What happened was a few unexpected expenses popped up in my life and I had to cut my guest list and a few other nonessential luxuries from the wedding, which sorta bummed me out. I actually didn't send STDs to everyone, so I was able to make some cuts. It was really hard to make these cuts, so I asked some of my bridesmaids and bridesman for advice. He saw me struggling with these decisions to cut people I care about and blurted out "maybe don't invite [person's name] because he said..." and the "gossip" thus ensued.

The thing is, I really do believe him; he's not a bullshitter and was not trying to hurt me. The person in question is actually a better friend of his than of mine (clearly lol). I do care about doing the right thing and not stooping to their level, so I am going to say something gentle along the lines of, "I heard that you don't feel close to me as a friend anymore, and that's ok--maybe we can work on that aside from the wedding?" and based on the reaction (which should be telling), making a decision to invite them or not. If I make the decision not to, I'm going to explain that it is because I needed to make cuts and want to give priority to people who care about me.

This person confided to my friend that he and his gf don't really consider me a friend, but would come for the party alone, which apparently they meant as a compliment to my party planning skills. I'm well known in my social circle for throwing epic parties and the wedding I have planned is pretty special (I know, they all are), so sadly I can imagine this to be true. However this is not the event to invite false friends to. I'd rather have a dessert spread, frankly.

And yes, the truth is, if this person really does feel that way, I'm very ok with us no longer being false friends. Having a small but genuine social circle is 100% OK with me. I don't want to fall into a life where I am surrounded by people who don't like me, but enjoy going to my fancy parties.

Maybe this person has a legit reason for not liking me anymore. I should want to hear it!

My 'best friend' could never stand when someone got along better with me then they did with her. She would tell people I said things I never said (caused major problems at work with this), lie to me about others talking badly about me, and even tell people that they couldn't like me as much as they like her. It was freaking ridiculous. And me, being overly sensitive all the time, would not talk to people, get my feelings hurt and fade out of friendships before I realized what she was doing. Finally had to cut the toxic friendship out of my life. And it was probably the best friendship decision I ever made.

I'm not saying that your friend is lying to you but there may be a different version of the truth. They could have meant it to come out different. (though if they said they'd just come for the food and drinks then it doesn't quite sound like that). I would just take a step back, think about it and not make a quick decision you could potentially regret.

If you won't be upset about them not attending or ending a friendship then do it. If you're truly over the friendship you thought you had with them then just take them off the list. They probably wouldn't even be surprised because of what they said to someone they know if your friend. But don't go on hearsay alone. I would suggest a lot of reflecting about the friendship and thinking if there could have been signs you missed that said they weren't as invested in the friendship as you were.