Ms. Mary Kate
Dedicated September 2018

Guest list issue // can i cancel an invite over a personal falling out?

Ms. Mary Kate, on March 6, 2018 at 2:03 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27
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This is an issue that has popped up twice--I'm not sure if I'm blowing it out of proportion or not.

Essentially, I have sent out STDs but not formal invites. Through the grapevine (my loyal bridesmaids) I've heard that some of the guests I sent STDs to expressed some disdain over being invited.

I'm talking disdain beyond the typical "oi vey, another wedding" eye roll charade. These particular guests actually expressed (to people within my close inner circle no less) that they were surprised to receive STDs because "we aren't even friends". Clearly the feeling wasn't mutual at the time because I thought to invite them, and of course I am hurt by that. My question, however, is this:

Can I now simply not invite these people who expressed disdain towards my wedding and towards me? If so, would I need to have a conversation with them about it? I'd hate to have a guest that doesn't consider me a friend and feels begrudgingly obligated to be there, or is just there for the food drink & party. I am not at all desperate for friends and in fact I could benefit from a smaller guest list, financially.

For some additional background, I was initially considering having a "B List" but after getting some firm advice from these forums (shout out to OGgretchen), threw that idea out in the interest of being on the up and up etiquette-wise. So I very painstakingly chose who to invite, and had to cut plenty of people whom I care a lot about! That really adds to the "ouch" factor--am I being over-emotional and reading too much into this? Should I just pretend that I never heard this and dismiss it as silly gossip--sometimes people just say mean things they don't really mean?

If I'm being real I very much do NOT want to invite these people anymore. I am spending more money than I planned on for this wedding, so I'm feeling a bit defensive (I know that's a bad reason but I can't help it!).

27 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs.W., on March 6, 2018 at 5:17 PM
  • P.F.
    Super May 2018
    P.F. ·
    • Flag
    Invite them. If they really feel that way they'll RSVP no.
    • Reply
  • WED18
    July 1993
    WED18 ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't cut them from the guest list based on hearsay. If they're really not that good of friends, they would most likely decline.

    Lurkers - 2nd post today where the STD came back to bite someone. Keep in mind that STD's are a relatively new deal and are NOT necessary. If you do them, do NOT send to everyone on your guest list.

    • Reply
  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
    • Flag
    Wowwww. Wasn't expecting this! I've heard hate over *not* being invited. Geez. Are you okay ending this not-friendship?
    • Reply
  • Forestwed
    Master May 2018
    Forestwed ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn’t send an invite. It doesn’t matter if the relationship ends since they feel the way they do. If they do attend you’ll probably feel akward having them there
    • Reply
  • Ms. Mary Kate
    Dedicated September 2018
    Ms. Mary Kate ·
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    I wish I had lurked on here a bit more before sending save the dates. I do think these people, in particular, would come despite their feelings. One of them said they'd come for the free food and drink alone! OUCH :-(

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  • Ms. Mary Kate
    Dedicated September 2018
    Ms. Mary Kate ·
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    I am not sure--I don't feel great about it being a not-friendship in the first place!

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  • WED18
    July 1993
    WED18 ·
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    Oh wow - that is an ouch! Sorry OP.

    • Reply
  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    I'd say in this case it's okay to not invite those individuals as long as they are not family members. If they're just "friends" chances are they won't bother to RSVP. When my fiance and I were younger, we were invited to a wedding for a friend of my fiance's. We weren't close with them at all, and they had done something to piss us off between getting the save the date and invite so when we got the invite we didn't bother to RSVP. I know now that it was immature of us to do that, but from posts I've seen in various wedding planning groups people do ignore RSVPs, so I'd say save yourself the trouble and don't bother.

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  • Ms. Mary Kate
    Dedicated September 2018
    Ms. Mary Kate ·
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    Thanks, I think this is the advice I *wanted* to hear. LOL. I probably wouldn't even notice them during the wedding (I'll be having too much fun), but I certainly feel awkward about it writing the check to the caterer (not to make it all about that)!

    • Reply
  • Ms. Mary Kate
    Dedicated September 2018
    Ms. Mary Kate ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    I'll consider this, thanks!

    • Reply
  • Meg
    Savvy August 2018
    Meg ·
    • Flag

    Honestly my first step would be to approach them and explain that you had heard their response and were hurt by it. They have a chance to apologize to you or admit their feelings stand valid. It is also possible that the statement was overblown. I would keep that in mind, because if there is a misunderstanding and you ex nay them without discussion you might be cutting out people who are indeed friends. Now if their response was factual, ex nay the "friendship" and the invite.

    • Reply
  • Danielle
    VIP March 2017
    Danielle ·
    • Flag
    Usually I’d say an STD always equals an invite. But since you don’t mind losing the friendship and they said they didn’t want to come anyway I would say skip sending the invite. That’s super crappy of them, sorry OP.
    • Reply
  • Ms. Mary Kate
    Dedicated September 2018
    Ms. Mary Kate ·
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    I think that's very wise, thanks. I'll do that. Ugh, confrontation is hard!

    Weddings really bring stuff to surface, don't they? I've had to deal with so many emotional relationship issues with friends and family that I did not expect!

    • Reply
  • An
    Super September 2019
    An ·
    • Flag

    Yeah I agree with PF. I get that your BMs are loyal but you don't know exactly what was said. Plus in my opinion, you are stooping to their level if you rescind the invite.

    • Reply
  • QueenDavis
    Super October 2018
    QueenDavis ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn’t invite them..... *shrugs shoulders* i would also confront them and let them know why they are not invited... Don’t need anyone taking up space when there are people who would really rather be there. And I definitely have a b list... they know they are b list and why....
    • Reply
  • Jennifer M
    Devoted April 2018
    Jennifer M ·
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    Confrontation sucks!

    But, I try to see it like I do a band-aid stuck to your arm hairs. That summabish is gonna hurt coming off something fierce, but you may as well do it in one quick yank and get it over with. I don't know that it hurts any more or less to pull quickly or slowly- I mean, you're stuck to the same number of hairs either way, right? But if you tug slowly, you get to feel each hair for five minutes while you tear up, squirm, and practice lamaze breathing techniques.

    So instead of wondering and agonizing over whether someone said this or if they feel a certain way, it's always easier to just ask and get it over with. It'll be uncomfortable. It might be painful. But at least you'll know and be able to move forward from there.
    • Reply
  • Ms. Mary Kate
    Dedicated September 2018
    Ms. Mary Kate ·
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    Thanks, in my heart of hearts, I know that's the right way to look at it. Oof, this whole thing just took the wind out of my sails!

    I guess it's important to be taken down a peg every now and then!

    • Reply
  • FutureMrs.L
    Master September 2018
    FutureMrs.L ·
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    I only sent them to OOT family. Not friends. Lol for this reason! Hahahah 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️


    OP, I’d say maybe talk to them. I’m also wondering why the BMs are betraying confidences of someone else to tell you they’re talking crap... seems slightly high school-ish. 🤷‍♀️ As PP stated, talk to the friends that we’re stated as showing disdain, it could have been a misunderstanding.



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  • FutureMrs.L
    Master September 2018
    FutureMrs.L ·
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    I’m curious, why a B-list? What are acceptable reasons to B list family and friends?

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  • QueenDavis
    Super October 2018
    QueenDavis ·
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    That’s my business, and if i wanted to say why I would have. Like i said all of my b list know why and they understand. I am a very up front person. I sugarcoat NOTHING.
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