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Beginner September 2021

Guest List Frustration

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Taylor, on March 11, 2021 at 10:18 PM

My fiancé’s family frequently gathers with ALL extended family and has a large family in general, so I knew from the beginning it would be hard to have a small wedding.
But we haven’t looked at our pending guest list in over a year, so I was hopeful that after this past crazy year and COVID, he would be ready to slash the list.

Not only did he not cut a single person, but he actually ADDED people he originally forgot.
I’m so frustrated and just defeated. We cannot have a 200 person wedding in September this year!! I don’t even want that at all, but especially not with the pandemic. Why does he insist on having every single random person from his family? People he maybe sees 1 time a year. People who don’t go out of their way to ask how he’s doing, to talk to me at events, to be involved in our life. Yet he considers them close family. I just don’t understand.
Has anyone dealt with a SO who refuses to cut the guest list?

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28 Comments

Devoted May 2022
Tory · on March 12, 2021 at 11:10 AM
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I’ve experienced something similar with my FH. He isn’t as bad about inviting family members that he knows haven’t really been a part of his life or family that he hasn’t seen in 5+ years, but for some reason has this hold on friends he hasn’t seen in 5+ years either (and not because of distance). I obviously have some friends from high school and middle school that I had fond memories with too, but I just do not understand why he cares to invite people that don’t know anything about his life anymore just because of old memories. However, it is common I think that many guys may struggle to cut down their guest lists and you just have to explain that the restrictions are tight right now and you can always invite more people as restrictions are lifted, but you don’t want to stress about cutting those people after sending invites
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Expert September 2022
Courtney · on March 12, 2021 at 12:14 PM
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Oh my gosh, this is just like my FH, only instead of friends its former coworkers? My immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents, and aunts/uncles) is like 45 people, and these are people I couldn't imagine getting married without. My FH has about 15-20. But he talks a lot with his coworkers, and while we haven't hung out with them outside of work because of Covid he talks to so many of them, and still has a handful of former coworkers/bosses that he talks to and wants to invite. Our original number that we wanted to hardline on was 120 and he blew past that with his coworkers and their SOs. I'm still frustrated, but managed to talk him down on a few former coworkers (mostly that he didn't need to invite the entire freaking company).
I like the closeness rule, but to an extent you have to be careful with it. If he ends up inviting all but a couple of cousins, that could stir some trouble at the next family event. I also recommend the circle rule that a PP mentioned, but anything past aunts/uncles I say you have to look at more as friends you'd like to invite rather than as family. So if your FH is particularly close to a couple of cousins they can get invited without having to invite all the cousins. However, if he wants all but a couple of them it's probably best to just invite all of them at that point.
It's a tough situation, but unfortunately it has to be a realistic conversation of budget and what you guys can afford. How many of these people would he be willing to take out to dinner and pay for them to eat and drink whatever they wanted?
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Devoted June 2020
Victoria · on March 12, 2021 at 1:53 PM
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That’s a great idea, to remind them that they are free to host family parties at any other time. Maybe something Taylor can offer to FH too- ‘we can talk about next/some year having a bigger and casual event’.
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Devoted June 2020
Victoria · on March 12, 2021 at 1:54 PM
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Totally sending you positive vibes!! Good luck!!
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Dedicated October 2021
Michelle · on March 12, 2021 at 2:17 PM
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We are having a small wedding (fewer than 40 guests). We made a hard and fast rule of parents, grandparents, and siblings only for family (so no aunts, uncles, or cousins could get offended). I told my aunts and uncles that I’d rather celebrate with them one on one at dinner versus having too many people to try and visit with at the wedding. My fiancé also did not want to have to decide between his friends who live in the area, so he is only inviting friends who live out of town. We are having a very casual open house for friends and family we didn’t invite. It’s way cheaper and we can actually get a chance to speak with them. Remind your fiancé of the cost of paying for all of those extra people, especially when you won’t have time to talk to them at the wedding itself. Good luck!
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Devoted May 2022
Tory · on March 12, 2021 at 2:42 PM
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Exactly! I think he’s slowly starting to cut off some of these friends that he never sees anymore, but I think guys just are very attached to former memories so they struggle to let go of those friendships and feel like they still should invite them regardless of their current relationship 😂
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Dedicated September 2023
Meghan · on March 12, 2021 at 4:07 PM
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My fiance is so similar! He feels the need to invite anyone he's ever had a single positive interaction with. A recent example: "If I invite High School Friend #24, then I should invite High School Friend #25. #25 was kicked out of the group junior year because the guys thought she was a s1ut (massive eye rolls on my part here). I felt bad for her because they were so mean, so I invited her to hang out quite a bit, but once she got back into the friend group, she didn't talk to me anymore, and we haven't talked since... I should still invite her." I mean, it's sweet that he wants to be nice and feels attached to old friends, but c'mon!
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Savvy June 2022
Louise · on August 12, 2021 at 2:21 PM
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I totally agree with this. I have a quite large family and so does my FH, so I've always known we will have a big wedding. We are trying to make cuts, because our budget isn't big enough to invite everyone we wish. But I am really struggling with it because I am close with my family and I live out of state. So yes, I don't se them often anymore but they were a huge part of my childhood and I would love to be able to reunite with them at the wedding. FH has the same thoughts, so we are really struggling with cutting people. Is it bad to invite everyone and hope a good amount say no? JK I know its bad, but I wish I could do this. I am sending out my save the dates soon, so I hope some people will already have conflicts and let me know.
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