Guest List Frustration

We had to institute a ‘closeness rule’ when looking at the list, which basically boiled down to- have we or would we do 1:1 time? Do we know 10 things about them? Who will we lose time with if we say hi to them? Are they worth it?


We cut our 200 person list in half. My mother was not happy. We figure with covid and the fact that some people don’t come anyways we’re at 70 or so. That’s much more palatable. They’ll actually get time with us. The cut people will understand more than we give them credit for.

Your wedding is not a family reunion, especially if it is common to meet up anyway. Get on the same page with fiance and then be a united front to his family. Only invite those you are closest to that you cannot imagine the day without. Everyone else else gets together another time

This is my FH, though we eventually did settle on just aunts, uncles, and first cousins (though now with covid we can't have any). Cutting down our guest list was VERY hard for my FH. He has an extremely close family that sees each other a lot. They also have a group chat and they talk almost everyday. Yeah maybe an individual cousin or uncle doesn't text him all the time, but he grew up doing everything with these people, and leaving some off the list would have caused huge hurt and huge problems with the family--it was not an option to pick and choose.


I, on the other hand, barely ever see my cousins and certainly don't chat with them in my free time. We just don't have that relationship.

So I don't think you should judge him for how he feels about and relates to his family. Instead I would suggest you guys do the circle guest list method--start with the innermost circle of parents and siblings, then grandparents, then aunts and uncles, then first cousins, then close friends, then extras. Or whatever order you want. Just keep it consistent. Then you can downsize or upside in fair groups as covid restrictions allow without drama.
This is how we did it. We got to our immediate family and wedding parties circles. If numbers allow, we may add the aunt and uncle circles. This has been devastating for FH because he always imagined his cousins being there, but he wants to get married so we can move in together, so he's resigned to the fact that we will just have to have a BBQ celebration later.

Oh wow, that is quite obnoxious on his end. Does your state have current limitations on how many guests you can have? I would have a serious discussion with him.

View Quoted Comment I really love this closeness rule idea! I don’t think he would ever hang out 1:1 with 85% of these people. Maybe I’m wrong...but we’ve been together 7 years and I’ve still only talked to or met some of these people 1-2 times so maybe not! I think I have his mom on my side agreeing to cut down the list. It’s just FH that won’t budge. But I think this stance will be really helpful to put things in perspective for him, thank you!!

View Quoted Comment “ Your wedding is not a family reunion” my thoughts exactly! Unfortunately I think that is how FH is viewing this. He loves playing host. His family loves huge parties. So that’s what he wants for this. It’s just crazy to me.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for this idea! I am trying very hard to be reasonable and remember that this is his day too, I want him to be able to celebrate with people he loves. I think I’m just so frustrated because I’m mostly planning this all myself. It does not feel fair for me to put in all the work for him to have double the guest list that I do.

View Quoted Comment Yes, currently do have restrictions. But our wedding is six months away, and there is a lot of talk about things changing by this summer here. He is convinced restrictions will be lifted.

I'd talk to him about it again. When we first made our guest list we had 200 people so we made the rule if we haven't spoken to you or seen you in a year or more you got cut from the list. I agree with others that you should make a rule in order to cut down the list of people.

This was my problem initially. My family is big my mom is one of 12 siblings so her side Was about 50 people and my dads side was about 20. My fiancé only has a total of 23. We cut the list due to covid and it honestly allowed me to do the thing I was initially scared of because I didn’t want a big wedding to begin with just a wedding with the people closest to me and just being related doesn’t make you close to someone. So we used a closeness rule of does this person know my fiancé? Have we all spent time together, fiancé included? Do they check in on us? And with the first question alone my mother’s either side got cut because none know my fiancé or his name. I’m not even sure if they know what he looks like. So we now have a guest list of 46. My fiancé’s list never changed because I’ve met everyone on his side, have spent time with them/visited etc. so I have 23 people from my side invited and they are all people who know my fiancé and have spent time with us. So when we look at our list it feels like people close to us instead of a reunion or people you felt obligated to invite. We just wanted our wedding to be and feel meaningful in all aspects including the guest lists. I will do live-streaming for the ones we could not invite. But try to get on this same page with your fiancé. Remind him of this pandemic we are still in. I constantly tell my family I’m not adding more people so I can spend the first 3 weeks of married life freaking out not knowing if my wedding put anyone in the hospital. I refused to drop all this money just to feel miserable afterwards. So I have a safety protocol and plan in place which in my opinion is easier to get across and enforce with a smaller gathering. If your fiancé can not part with the list then either push back the wedding or ask him what is most important. This is a question I had to ask to finally be okay with all of the changes. Once I figured out what I couldn’t compromise on (dream dress, dad walking me down the aisle, beautiful venue) I created my wedding with restrictions in place. If this list is what is most important to your fiancé you may have to push back the wedding to a time when it is more safer to host such a large event. Hope it all works out.

View Quoted Comment I completely get that as I'm in the same situation. My perspective though is that they will be my family too (and now I see some of them more than I see my own cousins haha)


But also, don't be afraid to draw the line somewhere. I did draw the line at 2nd cousins/great aunts/etc. It was just too much and was crowding out our friends. FH and I were on the same team on getting to a good guest list that made us happy, so he accepted this line without complaint.

Lol wow, this sounds just like my fiancé when we first started making the guest list over a year ago! He had people that he hasn’t seen in over 10 years. We’ve been together for about 10 years now and I told him that if I have never met these people, then we probably shouldn’t have them at our wedding. Needless to say we kept them on the list and then we did out all of the pricing! Once he saw the pricing he then realized that he no longer wanted those people lol! Sometimes you just have to let them figure it out on their own that they do not need all these randos at your wedding.

View Quoted Comment Totally agree with the closeness rule, tjis is what we're doing.. Especially when one of you or, even more, when the 2 of you have a large family.
Mine is insanely large( my mom has ... 11 siblings who have 24 children overall and my dad has 6 siblings, 13 children overall ) , my bride has a "medium-sized family" but inviting all people from both extended families,immediate families,my step-parents+ step-sibl,friends, coworkers we see outside work, some parent's friends (only those we see on a regular basis) + a bunch of " plus one" would mean a 250+ count, maybe 300 (I wouldn't be surprised).
No way !!! Not even without covid restrictions.All 4 parents are hunappy but hey! we couldn't care less . Just replied " if you want a family reunion, then plan one that you' coulf host in your house/backyard but it's not gonna happen at our wedding.

I'm not sure why your man want to invite people he has never seen in years or he sees 1-2 a year, those who don't know anything about his life and your couple.
These are people he will never (or hardly) see after the wedding. Did he tell you why, besides the " he considers them close family"?
Close family about people he sees 1 a year?May I ask: Is he kidding you? I would feel highly insulted my fiancee ever told me.something like this I would feel like " Do you think I'm that stupid"?

We are having 50 people and doing a live web feed for everyone else.

However , I almost forgot (I promise this is the last reply 😃 telling someone is close family when you see them once-twice a year is only okay when the person is from your immediate family or someone who watched/babysitted you for a couple years.

To me, the fact he initially "forgot" those people is telling. My FH had started talking about people he "forgot", but they weren't people he forgot, they were people he only "remembered" to want to invite after he talked to his mother. I don't know if this could apply in your case, but maybe keep that in mind, could be due to meddling relatives. I really like the closeness rule someone posted about! Good way to go about it.

I see my extended far less than H sees his, but that doesn't mean we're any less close. I'd be really upset if he demanded I slash my guest list because he doesn't think we're "close" enough. Clearly your FI is not comfortable cutting the list. Sides don't have to be even (if he gets 100, you don't need to invite 100 just to even it out). I definitely think it's reasonable to have a conversation about this, especially with respect to COVID and possible restrictions. However, demanding he cut a list or judging his closeness with his family is not going to help.

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I was going to say something along those lines as well. Same with people saying it's not a family reunion, that's their opinion for their wedding it's not fact. This is not just your wedding it is his too and maybe this is how weddings are for his family. I come from a huge close family and just because I live out of state now and only see people every so often doesn't make us less close. You both need to be on the same page with what you want your wedding to look like, i.e. who you invite, number of people you can afford to have, budget priorities, and what you're both willing to compromise on and what you feel you can't compromise on. I'm not sure what the restrictions in your area currently look like but for MA they loosened significantly and I'm hopeful big weddings will be okay in the Fall. That said it is a good idea to have a back up plan for capacity restrictions. And you can probably count on more "No" RSVPs than average in terms of guest count for people that still won't be comfortable even if restrictions are lifted.

View Quoted Comment Yikes, best wishes!