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Beginner June 2020

Guest list dilemma

Tricia, on December 1, 2019 at 10:51 PM

Posted in Planning 31

Hi ladies,
Hopefully you guys can help me not feel as bad. We are having a small wedding 50 ppl to be exact. I told my bridesmaids off the bat that nobody gets a plus one. There are a couple of bridesmaids tho who are married and the groom and I are both friends with them so they are on our list. So here’s the thing, I told my moh that her husband wasn’t invited and I even spoke to her about it cause I didn’t want there to be animosity because the other bridesmaids husbands are going. However, the groom and I are friends with them. So anyway, when I spoke to her she said that that’s fine and that it’s my wedding, however, now I’m hearing from one of my bridesmaids that she’s upset that he’s not invited. My moh’s husband can be extremely awkward and when she’s around him she tends to have to take care of him emotion wise which can send her into her own emotional spiral. So I’m trying to just allow her to have a night of peace and fun and not have to worry about anything. Has this happened to anyone? Like I’m pretty firm in my decision to not have him there, but also if she wasn’t ok with it why not tell me to begin with? I can’t tell her I know cause then I would be throwing my other bridesmaid under the bus. I’m just getting ready to just dump all my bridesmaids. I’ll take all suggestions and what to say to her to help her understand that I want her there but only her.

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31 Comments

Devoted April 2020
Rhianna · on December 2, 2019 at 12:32 AM
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I would absolutely invite my bridal party's spouses. However, if you're capped at 50 due to budget or max capacity, explain that to her and when you receive declines for rsvps, add her husband to the guest list and any other bridal party significant others that weren't invited.

I would find it very strange if I or my fiance were invited to a wedding/event without the other.
Champion December 2017
earias · on December 2, 2019 at 1:42 AM
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Exactly this.
Champion November 2016
LB · on December 2, 2019 at 8:21 AM
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I wouldnt be a MOH let alone attend a wedding that my HUSBAND (not plus one) wasnt invited to.
You're asking people to celebrate your relationship without even acknowledging theirs.
Master September 2019
Sarah · on December 2, 2019 at 8:25 AM
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I agree with this. I wouldn’t participate in or attend a wedding that my husband wasn’t invited to.
Master January 2015
null · on December 2, 2019 at 8:27 AM
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Agree with this 100%. If she's really your best friend, I don't see why you wouldn't want to invite her husband. As PP's have said, spouses are not plus ones. They should have been accommodated in your original guest count from the beginning.
I wouldn't be your MOH or attend the wedding if you had an issue with inviting my spouse, I would say your friend is being the much bigger person by not telling you how rude this is and supporting you regardless. You might want to return the favor and do the same for her.
Master 0000
Judith · on December 2, 2019 at 8:50 AM
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A spouse or fiancé is never an optional plus one. You do not invite one half of a couple, and not the other. They are a social unit. Invite her and her husband. Or neither of them. That is very basic manners for all social occasions. A plus one, optional, is for dates, people not in committed relationships. Those, you decide. It you do not have seats for acmtual partners of your wedding party, then cut the size of your wedding party. Or cut another guest, so this MOH husband can come. As her husband, she chose him. You do not have the right to refuse people whose social skills you do not like, or whom you do not know, if they are part of 1 social unit, a couple. Invite the one you want, and make no judgement on the other. A package deal you may not appreciate now. But a few years from now you would be pretty angry if at parties, dinners, things with many couples, hosts invited your husband, and said you had to stay home, because they hardly knew you. You will soon appreciate the rule
Expert November 2019
Keri · on December 2, 2019 at 11:34 AM
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Unfortunately there is no way to go around this. As PP have said, significant others and husbands should be invited as they are not plus ones. I know people are hesitant to stand up for themselves, but I can't think of any circumstance where I would be okay with not being allowed to bring my husband. Whether you are okay with it or not, it isn't okay. Why would someone celebrate your marriage if you aren't acknowledging theirs? I don't say that to be rude, but for you to really reevaluate your decision.
Expert May 2016
needmorewine · on December 2, 2019 at 11:46 AM
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Agreed.

IMO, this is one of the worst etiquette offenses a host can commit and there is no excuse that will make it ok.
Beginner June 2020
Tricia · on December 2, 2019 at 12:18 PM
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I have re-evaluated my decision. I appreciate all of your opinions, and wish you all the best in your lives with your significant others. I will no longer be answering to this forum as I haven’t explained the entire situation and don’t intend to, I just described the bare bones of it. It is exhausting hearing people say mean things to you when they don’t know the entire situation. I’m not a wedding type of person and I don’t really get that involved in the wedding details so I didn’t really know that much about it. I also haven’t been to any weddings so I did not know that there was a money dance, let alone your spouse and you are a unit and not considered separate guests. Being in a world with so many people’s opinions can be overwhelming, and I hope that you all can understand that behind this keyboard I am a person who is learning wedding things just like you. Again I appreciate all the feedback bad and not so bad, because it helps me to see things from another perspective.
Expert February 2020
Tanyia · on December 2, 2019 at 1:21 PM
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I did a similar thing but my requirement is that - if you aren't engaged or married, no plus one. I wouldn't exclude a spouse or FH, just as I wouldn't want mine to be excluded.

I also did "no children", which myyyyyy goodness - the uproar was bigger to the no kids. I really don't care. It's our money, period.

Super July 2017
Sagan · on December 2, 2019 at 1:31 PM
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If I stood up as MOH in someone’s wedding and they told me I couldn’t bring my husband, I would drop out and never speak to you again. I do not understand how you don’t think your presumably best friend should have her husband at your wedding. You should feel bad.