Guest gripe about black tie weddings

The Oscars are black tie. The average "black tie" wedding is not because many people want to sound fancier than the event they are hosting actually is and will argue with anyone who advises them otherwise. Unless the venue has a dress code requirement for entry, you should not be listing attire on the invite. The default attire for a wedding is semi-formal or Sunday best, and most people abide by that without being told.


Wear a nice dress you already own. Don't keep renting dresses. The same goes for men's attire.

I hear you. Our wedding was black tie. And I meant it. You didn’t have to wear a long gown, and I definitely didn’t expect people to go out and buy an outfit for our wedding. But what I was NOT going to tolerate were denim (not even black) khakis, sundresses, flip flops, tennis shoes (I don’t care how much they cost) baseball/skull caps, t-shirts, jerseys, sagging pants, cargo pants or club clothes. I had several female guests who were notorious for showing up skintight short dresses, daisy dukes, low cut tops/dresses. And guys who thought just because they paid $300 for a pair of jeans, that makes them formal. I sent out a mass email to our guest, and yes, I know it’s not appropriate, giving them a list of what they could wear, because the list of what they could not wear was way too long. They only ones who had a problem with it were the ones who dress like that regularly. But I DID NOT care. We spent A LOT of money for our photographer and videographer, and I’ll be damned if I have to look at excessive cleavage (butt and/or breast), side boob, tennis shoes, the crack of someone’s but because her dress is sheer or his pants are sagging, etc.

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I totally agree with this-- I don't want jeans, clubbing attire, sneakers, at my wedding. This actually seems to be unspoken in my circle (even at backyard weddings with a "summer smart casual" dress code, everyone wore dresses, low heels, khakis, etc). But if that's a concern for you, I TOTALLY get telling your guests to show up looking good.

So I think you're saying you told people black tie to get the message across that the event was formal, not really expecting them to wear tuxes and gowns?

Not exactly. Some people either don't know and pretend not to know what formal wear means. I did the extra step and told them black-tie AND gave a list (in an email) of items they can wear. Jeans and tennis were not on the list.

This makes me nuts too. So many people think dress up means black tie. I gave up long ago. Especially when the invitation often is wrong too. For a true formal event, black tie or white tie, they should be a plain background white or ivory, often an embossed edging or gold, silver or black one. With engraved printing or something that looks like it. But these days balloons and flowers burst in color out of cheapprint paper, saying black tie, and either the invitation was a mistake, or the dress is also not black tie. Or they really mean black tie, because tuxes and gowns make for neat pictures. A co-worker of hubby's comes from a wealthy family, bride not. I asked hubby to inquire about the wedding. Was it a formal ballroom or classy building , what kind of dinner service. RSVP had no meal choice. But that can mean you order from a limited menu when you arrive, still plated or served, whether cooked to order, or served by staff from a buffet or stations. He just said, formal is formal. I looked up the address. It was a nature conservancy. Website showed a mowed area with flowered arbors. And picnic tables in a pine Grove, advertised for company picnics and family days, evening bands and dancing on the lawn, bring insect repellent and sweaters , says venue. And food trucks work with the venue. I wore a cocktail dress , hubby a vest and shirt, with a jacket for the ceremony. The bride was heard over and over loudly telling people that ( about a third of guests) some people are just too rude to know that on her day, people should know to do everything the bride wants. While in a receiving line exiting the garden party in the picnic area with lawn dancing. . At 6 pm, going under an arbor to find the picnic Grove. Women being told no heels due to tree roots. More than half left. Ball gowns and tuxes with food truck barbecue? No. The bride and family kept saying, but she wanted cool pictures, tu es and gowns at a picnic. And the groom's mom, in flares and a lawn or tea party dressy dress , kept saying the bride learned all her manners from TV. ( Rude in itself.) Most of the people not dressed up had a great dinner and Dancing. The bride's own family were the only ones in tuxes and gowns left. What a waste of over 100 dinners.

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Do you know where people find the rules for hosting black tie events? When I tried to find them on google only "how to dress for a black tie event" comes up, not how to host one. I knew from my mother, but I have no idea where this information is easily accessed for people hosting events

I agree that it's unfair for people to have women show up in gowns and men in shiny shoes to a woodsy event. This is really part of the issue--people not considering the guests

View Quoted Comment I learned from etiquette books given to me by my parents. And my parents are sticklers about it because they do work and have family in multiple countries. And travel representing agencies or charities. And parents entertain such people, so some formal dinner parties for 20- 40 at home, regularly growing up. And I worked a few fancy Inns and venues, as well as catering.
Getting a good etiquette book that is not question and answers, but is set up like a cookbook , lets you look at chapters. How to give a formal dinner. Differences in Set up and service. Libraries and second hand book stores or E bay have them at low cost.
Here is an online guide just on dinner set up that I sent my niece whom I think wants dressy and formal service, but not black tie. It shows how fussy black tie ishttps://www.gentlemansgazette.com/dinner-etiquette-formal-dining/
Men in tuxes, traditional colors black, midnight blue. Grey for day cutaways. Colored tuxes are less formal than black tie, in the black tie optional or dressy suit category, not strict black tie. How s may be sheaths or ballgowns, for guests, no trains except for a bride. Evening gloves optional , some bare ess as in a strapless gown with a little decoletté, but no plunging necklines, cut outs, slits, glitter or sequins on the dress itself ( beading, crystal beads or glass beads, and seed pearls fine.) . Nightclub wear may be very dressy, but it is not stately and formal enough to go with black tie. Moderate heels, or flats, but no boots or platforms or spikes with black tie. Statement jewelry may be worn at black tie.Many people may never go to a state dinner, embassy function or charity ball, opera opening, or wedding truly formal enough for black tie. Groom's may wear tuxes, and bride's wear a formal gown, with all guests wearing the same level of formality or one stepdown. Most not truly black tie venue, service, events like weddings are evening dress formal. That is a step below black tie required.

Honestly, I always thought black tie weddings shouldn't be a thing unless it's in a venue that matches the formality or you're receiving a multi-course dinner.

For our dress code we made some suggestions. Yes, it was at a golf course, but it was an evening wedding so we hinted that semi-formal dress would be fine. Most of guys arrived in nice suits and the ladies came wearing structured dresses. We did have one of my friend's husbands wear his go-to plaid shirt and khaki pants but he took off his hat so that was a win for me haha.

View Quoted Comment If you specify black tie, that means every woman Must be in a floor length gown. Black tie is a level or formality, that suitable for a real ball with live band or orchestra ( or two) , multi course meals served to you by waitstaff and every male guest in a formal tuxedo of traditional black, darkest grey or midnight blue, for evening wear, and every woman in a long fancy gown. The Oscars or a theatre opening or a Royal or Embassy ball. If you are thinking anything else, do not call it black tie. The couple or whole wedding party may dress in black tie, black or dark blue or grey tuxedos, women in floor length, and the guests wear standard evening formal ( floor length on women, dressy suits on men) . That is not black tie. And cocktail or semi-formal, shorter cocktail or street length dresses of very dressy styles and materials may be worn, or Palazzo pants in evening fabrics, or long. Just, very dressy, this level, seems to be what people mostly actually mean when they mistakenly ask for black tie. For formal table setup, linens and nice China and glass, but either plated meals or buffet, live music or recorded with a DJ ( no DJ at black tie ever). That is the actual most common thing here.