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Expert November 2020

Guest food allergies and reception

Shirley, on February 25, 2021 at 10:59 PM Posted in Wedding Reception 3 30

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Need advice! I'm planning my celebration, and I am currently planning to serve fish and also a salad with nuts. I have a cousin with a life-threatening allergy to both. My sister flagged it as an issue that I even have this stuff on the menu, but I said that we already have safe meals for her worked out with the caterer. But my sister said she won't even want to be around fish and nuts.

It is true that for all of my childhood, we didnt have fish or nuts at big family events. I guess I didn't really think about it. My immediate family are huge seafood people and love candied nuts.
I haven't asked my cousin yet because I don't know how to approach this. I don't think I should have to take something off of my menu because she doesn't want to be around it, that seems a bit much. But I also don't want to hurt feelings or cause drama. And of course I want her to be safe at the event if she comes. I'm afraid to ask her and she'll say "yeah take it off the menu or I won't come" and I won't know how to respond.
Any advice?

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30 Comments

Latest activity by Madelaine, on March 25, 2022 at 11:13 AM

Super December 2020
Anais · on February 25, 2021 at 11:06 PM
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Talk to your cousin. Some people have severe allergies, especially to nuts, that do get triggered being in the same room as the allergen.
My roommate in college was allergic to peanuts so we couldn’t have anything with peanuts in our room. Even when she flew on a plane she had to ask the flight attendants not to serve peanuts.
Ask your cousin how bad her allergies are as you were planning to have fish and nuts for other guests.
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on February 25, 2021 at 11:24 PM
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Every food allergy is different. Some only have to be consumed to trigger a reaction and others say they can't even be in the same room with zero contact. Find out which is the case (just ask point blank instead of skirting around it) and ask your caterer what they can do to accommodate it.
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Expert November 2021
Sara · on February 25, 2021 at 11:38 PM
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I'm currently figuring this out as well TBD.....
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on February 25, 2021 at 11:39 PM
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It’s not simply that she “doesn’t want to be around it,” it’s that she could literally die. If you’re not able to make a minor accommodation as to not put your guests life at risk, maybe consider eloping?
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on February 25, 2021 at 11:42 PM
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I agree with previous posters. Ask her directly about her food allergies. If she says that being in the same room as the allergens can trigger a reaction, then you have to decide which is more important to you: her coming or you having the food you want. I also have a shellfish allergy, and I have gotten sick at restaurants on several occasions because of cross contamination, even though I reported my allergy to the waitress/waiter. So, I would also check with your caterer to ensure they are truly following food safety precautions. For my wedding, despite several family members loving shellfish, I insisted on no shellfish in any dish because I didn't want to accidentally get sick, so I definitely understand the apprehension of being around your allergen, even if just the proximity doesn't trigger a reaction.
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Expert November 2020
Shirley · on February 26, 2021 at 6:19 AM
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I think this is a bit much. I phrased it that way because that's how I heard it 2nd hand (not from her). I know plenty of people with food allergies who don't eat the food but will sit next to people eating it.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on February 26, 2021 at 7:31 AM
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Not everyone had the same severity of allergies though. I used to work with a girl who was deathly allergic to peppers. She couldn't even be in the same area of peppers. Someone at work cooked something with peppers and she had to go to the hospital because her throat started to close up. I think you need to talk to your cousin to find out if just being in the same room will cause this type of reaction because again everyone's reaction is different. If it were me, I would rather remove the items from my menu then not have my family member in attendance at my wedding.
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on February 26, 2021 at 7:46 AM
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You do what you feel is right. It sounds like the nuts and fish are important to you, and that’s fine. Life comes with choices and some choices come with consequences.
It sounds like your family events have never had these items, so at some point your side of the family decided that it was important to them to accommodate her allergy. You don’t have to make that same choice.
But please own that choice - allow your cousin to gracefully not attend by letting her know in advance. And have a response ready when your family questions you. This is not about your cousin choosing not to attend, this is about your choice to have nuts and fish.
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on February 26, 2021 at 7:53 AM
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Definitely talk to her- your imagining what her response might be & you can’t make a decision based off that. Tell her what your menu plans are &, wanting to make sure that’s she’s safe, need her input.
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VIP August 2021
Katie · on February 26, 2021 at 7:53 AM
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I agree with everyone. Not every allergy is the same. Some people get allergic reactions only from eating it, some people can't even touch the food and some can't even be in the same space as it.

I'd definitely talk to her about it and see and go from there. I get you don't want to take something off the menu when you have other options for this person. But this could be a matter of her comfort and life. You just never know.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on February 26, 2021 at 7:58 AM
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Cross-contamination is a real threat to allergies. Even if she’s not eating it, what if something falls off another plate onto hers? What if her allergy only requires her touching something and she does so by accident? Everyone is allowed to choose what they want for their own wedding, but choices also have consequences and the consequence here might be this cousin (and potentially other family members if they take issue with your choice) not attending your wedding.
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Lisa · on February 26, 2021 at 8:02 AM
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Her response was spot in based on the information you provided; you are wanting to serve food you like knowing in advance that your cousin has a “ life threatening” reaction to it and that your family has gone out of their way of to not serve because of her allergy.
Decide what is more important and if it’s your menu, let your cousin know.
It is as simple as that.
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Expert November 2020
Shirley · on February 26, 2021 at 8:03 AM
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This is very helpful. I do love her, though we aren't particularly close, but the seafood dish is culturally important to the other side of the family and to me (I love nuts but I could do without). I'm fully okay eith making a choice, letting her know, and then owning it if the choice ends up being to keep the seafood. I would totally understand if she didn't attend because of it, just like I understand people who aren't going to events right now because of covid.
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Expert November 2020
Shirley · on February 26, 2021 at 8:04 AM
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Lol okay. Not eloping.
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Expert November 2020
Shirley · on February 26, 2021 at 8:06 AM
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Made the decision, I won't be taking foods off the menu. If people don't feel safe coming, that's okay with me. Thanks for the help.
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Liz · on February 26, 2021 at 8:09 AM
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I agree with what others have said about talking to your cousin to understand the severity of her allergy. If it is so sever that she really can’t be around them, then you’ll likely have to decide if having fish and nuts at your wedding is more important than having your cousin at your wedding. Plus I’d recommend you think about what other people’s reactions would be to the decision and which you’d prefer to deal with.
If it were me, I’d much rather explain that we didn’t have seafood due to a family member’s life threatening allergy, than explain that a family member was absent because we wouldn’t accommodate her life threatening allergy.
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Lisa · on February 26, 2021 at 8:11 AM
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“Lol” ??? I truly don’t see anything funny about this.
Decide what’s more important without all the extra reasons behind it. You keep adding reasons. Stop. You want something that is being questioned for a very good reason.
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Dedicated May 2021
Brigitte · on February 26, 2021 at 8:16 AM
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I love seafood and nuts, so I totally get where you're coming from. Asking her directly seems like the best bet. If she's had this allergy her whole life, I'm guessing she has gone to events or restaurants where she doesn't know if there will be something there that triggers her allergy, and she makes decisions on her own. Honestly, if the allergy was so severe where she can't be in the same room, she would probably reach out to you to ask if those foods would be present before she rsvps. I wouldn't stress about it too much. If she still wants to attend, maybe everyone at her table could get options without seafood or nuts.
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Expert November 2020
Shirley · on February 26, 2021 at 8:23 AM
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Oh I agree, I totally think that's a possibility. I meant that her telling me to elope was a bit much (I'm already married also)
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