Groomsman dilemma...family problem

I would stand your ground, it’s your decision and not hers. In my experience when you give into someone then they think that means they can throw a fit until they get their way.

I feel like its your wedding and what you and your FH wants should take precedence over anyone's desire, parents or otherwise. Relationship is what determines how involved you choose to be with people. I'm not one for doing things to keep up appearances, I keep it real so that I can sleep peacefully at night.

Is your mother paying for your wedding? If not, why are you allowing her to speak to you about your wedding choices? It is your wedding and unless she is paying for it, she really shouldn't be getting a say in anything that you and your FH don't want to have and that includes your decor, bridal party and guest list.

If she is paying for it, then she does get a say and you can either pay for your own wedding and do things how you want or let her plan your wedding and she get everything she wants.

You are right, you cannot please everyone but at the end of the day, the only two opinions that matter are yours and your grooms. Personally, I would stop sharing any details of your wedding and plan it how you want to. Good luck!!

I believe that it’s your day and you shouldn’t let anyone talk you in to doing things you don’t want. You will likely regret it if you start appeasing everyone else.

Honestly, I would say no. I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding, I wasn't close with my sister in law at all and am not super super close with my brother. I always felt like I was asked because she felt like it was the right thing to do, not because she wanted me to be a bridesmaid. I don't know that for sure but I never felt part of the group, I wasn't even in pictures with the rest of the girls because she was fighting with my brother so her mom and I left for the ceremony early to go talk him down because even my mom wasn't having luck calming him. She and the rest of the girls stopped a couple places along the way to the ceremony to take pictures. I wasn't really included in anything and always felt like an outsider. For my wedding, we aren't inviting kids, including my brother's 4 kids 5 years old and under. My mom was so mad I wasn't including them but we are having a super small wedding and they are a CIRCUS and it takes multiple people to control them. My sister in law isn't coming to the wedding because of child care issues but my brother will be there. He's not a groomsman but I think he's ok with it.

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This right here. If you continue to let her dictate your wedding she is not going to stop. She will be mad but she will need to move on.

Stop sharing with mom. (“I want what I want in my wedding and if you can’t be nice about it, or if you keep making me feel bad about my decisions, I can’t continue to discuss details with you” approach)


Stand your ground. This is not her call. Heck, many would argue it’s not even your call if it’s your FH’s groomsmen. It’s also not a big deal— as in, no one will think it’s weird if he’s not there or if he is.
I LOVE my brother. But there’s some distance in our relationship as we live far apart, and consequently he and my husband have even less of a relationship. Everyone speaks and gets along happily. But they’re not that close , so...he wasn’t in the wedding. It didn’t bother anyway. I’m sure my brother was thrilled not to have to get a specific outfit and be forced into more photos, especially with a bunch of relative strangers (all of H’s groomsmen) and instead could enjoy the wedding with his family and relatives with none of the work. BECAUSE we’re close, I wanted him to be a little involved, so I did have him walk in the processional, along with his partner and their daughter — she was the flower girl and her parents were her escorts (she couldn’t walk yet ), so I found a less involved/obligation heavy way to include them.
Likewise, I was not in my SIL’s wedding party when she married my brother. I love her and we get along great, but I’m not her nearest and dearest. Nothing wrong with that at all. I loved attending their wedding as a guest, and I still felt important as family ! She DID include me in the invite to her bachelorette but I didn’t go, partly because of cost and distance, but partly bc frankly I felt it would’ve been weird and uncomfortable to hang out with a group that was mostly strangers. Again no hard feelings on either side. I appreciated the invite very much but was also happy not to go z

Update: she is planning on offering 2-5k to pay for part of the wedding,, (because she just wants to) but we could easily tell her no and pay for it ourselves. I may end up telling her that we do not want her contributions and you're all right I should stop sharing information with her because itll end in fights.

Your brother doesn’t HAVE to be in the wedding just because he’s your brother. My brother will not be in mine. He has never met my FH, and the wedding will be the first time. We also don’t particularly get along, and I see no reason to have him on my side. I gave him a plus 1 and that’s about all the “perks” he’s going to get.

Do what you want
Honestly don’t ask either to show but I understand family must
I would elope and then just have party for family

Cancel the wedding and elope. You already gave into a huge request to stay local and have a big shindig. She has absolutely no right to ask for anything more, and it sounds like nothing you say is going to change this. Do what makes you happy and stand your ground.

I wouldn't take the money since it's probably opening the door to even more conflict. She sounds like the type who will want to dictate the details of how her money is spent on your wedding and hold it over your head.